This is the same question that Donald Trump’s cleaning maid Eleanor Houschiwtz continually asks herself. Eleanor said that on multiple occasions she has overheard Donald Trump talking to someone in the bathroom. Donald Trump even made aloud comments like “No, I can’t say that”, “What are you doing to my image” and “Frosted Flakes taste grrrrrrrreat” but when Eleanor Houschiwtz entered the bathroom, only Donald Trump was in there.
As she apologized for barging in on him, she turned to close the door and said she heard a snicker but this was no ordinary snicker. Eleanor said it sounded like a snicker only a hairpiece could make. Eleanor quickly turned around and swears she saw Donald Trump’s hair scurry back and forth. Upon hearing her testimony, we decided not to comb over this unique information and get to the roots of the truth.
Our investigation has led us to believe that Donald Trump’s hair is indeed a hairpiece but not just any ordinary hairpiece. This hairpiece came from a mystical voodoo priest in the far outreaches of the Amazon. The voodoo priest got it from a Shaman that passed away. It is believed that this particular hairpiece was cursed centuries ago by a vagrant farmer in northern Europe, and it attaches itself to the scalp forever embedding itself in to the roots of your remaining hair follicles until the day you die.
The hairpiece is known to cause the new owner to say homosexual, sexist, racist, misogynistic and douche bag things. Even creating grand illusions of what they can accomplish or who they think they are. At times, it can even belittle people, demean them, make you like too much money, have a reality show known for a stupid catchphrase or question the birth certificate of a black president. The cursed hairpiece even forces each owner to create a board game that no one will ever play for reasons unknown.
This information is astonishing and completely eye opening but it does answer so many questions as to why one man would act a certain way. Most of us believed that it was in Donald Trump’s human nature to treat people the way that he has but the real truth is that underneath that hairpiece is a sad man crying out who only got himself into this mess because of a receding hairline and a onetime bad decision. I think we’ve all been there but not all of us are in the scrutiny of the public eye.
Just imagine being forced to say and do the things you do by a cursed hairpiece and then go home and watch yourself on TV. It would be heartbreaking and disheartening knowing you have go out and see family, co-workers and friends with what you just said or did.
If there’s one thing we can learn from the misfortunes of Donald Trump is that we should be happy with who we are and to never buy a hairpiece that comes with a warning label.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.