No, that’s not a typo. Sigmund Freud came up with this….who is Sigmund Freud?
Sigmund Freud is known as the father of psychology and like any father, he left behind some mind bending twisted stuff for his psychology children to sort through emotionally.
Sigmund Freud concocted some weird theories over the years but this one to me, tops them all.
Sigmund Freud developed the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development that children go through from birth to adult.
Apparently, children are psycho’s (debatable) and sexual. Hmmm, yes, because as an adult, I’m always thinking about sex with children.
Can someone tell me again, why we even still learn about him in school? Maybe this is the sole reason other nations beat us academically?
But anyways, the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development are Oral, Anal, Phallic, Latent & Genital.
If you need help remembering them use this handy guide below.
Oral -----> word of mouth; spoken rather than written or relating to the mouth.
Anal -----> of, relating to, or located near the anus or overly neat, careful, or precise
Phallic ---> of, relating to, or resembling a phallus or erect penis.
Latent ---> of a quality or state) existing but not yet developed or manifest; hidden; concealed.
Genital --> of or relating to the human or animal reproductive organs.
If this was too confusing, let me break it down even easier for you to remember.
Oral ----> To put a mans genital or toothbrush in your mouth.
Anal ----> What to avoid in prison.
Phallic --> Worthy of worship.
Latent ---> Peek-A-Boo.
Genital --> Hurts when someone kicks them.
Now let’s break down each of the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development.
Stage 1: Oral (0-2 years old)
All your desires are oriented towards your lips and mouth.
Ok, seems normal so far. Nothing sexual. I’m on board with this.
Stage 2: Anal (2-4 years old)
You enter the sadistic anal phase.
OK, I’m off board.
Yes, because when I was 2-4 years old I was really sadistically anal about everything. I’d put things up my ass, things would fall out my ass, and then I started getting really anal about what kind of shit goes in my ass.
Come on, the sadistic anal phase, like who would even use the word anal to describe the earliness of a child?
“There’s nothing wrong with your child Stacy, he’s just sadistically anal”.
Stage 3: Phallic (4-7 years old)
Sensitivity now becomes concentrated in the genitals and masturbation (in both sexes) becomes a new source of pleasure. The child becomes aware of anatomical sex differences, which sets in motion the conflict between erotic attraction, resentment, rivalry, jealousy and fear.
Really Freud? Really?
I’m pretty sure if this was true Don Henley would have covered this topic in “Boys of Summer”.
Hell, at those ages, I was too busy watching Ducktales but apparently in Freud’s eyes, I should have been watching Fucktales.
Come on, what parent has had this conversation.
Friend: My child just started playing an instrument.
Parent: Mine too!!! What is yours playing?
Friend: The piano. Yours?
Parent: Skin flute.
Stage 4: Latent (7-12 years old)
No further psychosexual development takes place during this stage (latent means hidden). The libido is dormant. Most sexual impulses are repressed during the latent stage and sexual energy is exercised towards schoolwork, hobbies and friendships.
Person: Excuse me, is that a rock in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Me: No, that’s an eraser, number 2 pencil, calculator, pencil sharpener, pen, ink quill, calendar organizer, hi-liter, scissors & a measuring compass.
I don’t know about you but during this phase I started to develop a sexual desire for women (age 11).
Like who at the ages of 7-12 have had their fill with sexual desire and now wants to conquer world peace?
These must be the most gifted and mature children the world has ever seen that Freud studied and since then none have existed.
Then again, it does help your credibility as a researcher to study once in a lifetime children. No one would question your findings because you weren’t there to witness these selfless, non-sex driven, world peace children.
Stage 5: Genital (13-adulthood)
Your development over the latency period has allowed you to enter the final genital phase. You regain desire of the opposite sex and must fulfill your instinct to procreate and ensure the survival of the human species.
Father: What’s wrong son?
Me: (sobbing) It’s just so much pressure.
Father: School can be rough at times.
Me: (still sobbing) No, I’m only 13 and everyone expects me to ensure the survival of the human species. How am I supposed to do that when I can’t even do calculus?
Father: These kids are growing up too fast.
Correct me if I’m wrong but did we all just become monks for 5 years and now it’s ok to go out and screw something?
Man, I wish I knew about this phase when I was younger.
Mom: You can’t have sex.
Me: Mom, I’m in the genital phase I need to procreate, why can’t you ever understand what I’m going through, Freud does.
Although, Freud forgot one major part in this phase that is a consequence of sexual activity.
Hmm, I guess there’s no time for that topic when you’re just fucking around.
And there you have it, the “5” stages of Psychosexual Development.
In addition, just to prove how crazy Freud was, here’s another quick example of his great line of work.
Freud had a great idea and that was to use cocaine as an antidepressant drug. He even wrote a paper on how good it was and how he prescribed it to his friend Ernst to help him overcome a morphine addiction he had acquired while treating a disease of the nervous system.
Wow, what a good friend.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.