Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Pittsburgh native comedian “Jerry Wrighthour” finally got the moment every comedian can’t wait to get out of their mouths and that’s a great dick joke. Jerry Wrighthour has spent years of trying to figure out a unique way to tell a hilarious original dick joke but he kept coming up short when compared to his fellow comedian friends.
“My dick joke is about 8 minutes long” said comedian Jordan Deters.
“My dick joke is an average 6 minutes long” said comedian Dave Bribsy.
But the reigning champ of dick jokes belongs to Joey Chase.
“His is so long, no one can touch it…it’s the most unique thing I’ve ever seen” said comedian Ryan Stouter.
Joey Chase has a 12 minute dick joke which is the equivalent to one ruler or a dinner plate chock full of dick jokes ready to be consumed by a mouth or in this case, inside an ear.
But for Jerry Wrighthour, none of this mattered because he set a goal for himself and didn’t care what others had to say. Some people told him that his dick jokes were too soft but Jerry knew his were hard and just needed to stroke some of the wordings to get it going.
Last night, at a local pub for an open mic night, Jerry planned on doing 5 minutes of dick jokes he was sure that would be successful but he was only able to muster up 30 seconds worth.
“I blew it early, I’ll have to swallow this one and get back at it again” said Jerry Wrighthour.
Jerry did leave some people satisfied as some patrons came over to him after the open mic show and congratulated him on that great dick joke he told. That’s when Jerry realized he did it, he nailed a great dick joke. Sure, not all of them were winners but that first one worked and it was the one to measure up against as he continues to make more dick jokes.
“I know I can stretch it out longer now if I shave off the fluff and extend the main shaft of the dick joke that worked into a fully blossomed bit” said Jerry Wrighthour. Hopefully, Jerry can do this with a hot crowd and not a cold one that won’t be as receptive to his future dick jokes because Jerry knows, it can be longer.
And if you’re still reading this, I believe mine is about this long from top to bottom. If you don’t believe me, just know I own a truck and maybe that will explain it.
Each year, thousands of American citizens go to war against each other to get materialistic things they don’t need, right after they are thankful for everything they already have only hours earlier on thanksgiving. That day is called Black Friday.
Black Friday is a day of simple rules; you wait in line, get the amazing sale and return home a warrior to your family.
However, on this day last year, those rules were challenged by a Native American man who felt wronged by the system.
“I put up my teepee, camped out and waited for mother Best Buy to open. I made friends with a white man and I showed him how to reboot his phone so he could show his other white friends how to do the same. Then morning came and the white man invaded my space by leaping in front of my spot in line” said Alawa Paqua.
Alawa Paqua felt shamed because he knows all too well about the white man’s past with his people. “They always seem nice at first but then they cut in line year after year. How am I supposed to go back to my family and tell them I let a white man take the 5th spot for a free 55 Inch Samsung LED TV”.
Tired of being wronged by the white man, Alawa Paqua decided to cut in line to the rightful spot of land that he deserved. That’s when all the other people in line started to get rowdy.
“They have a reserved spot for people like him and it’s now in the back of the line” said one patron waiting outside.
“I’m from out of the country” said one black man as he witnessed the incident taking place.
Alawa Paqua knew he was out numbered and needed to call in reinforcements. An hour later, a clan of Native Americans with war paint on drove up and cut right up to the front of the line.
“History has taught us that our people were here before you and that’s why we need to get a great deal on electronic devices” said Goga Mawalu. However, the white customers in this line felt otherwise and devised an atrocious act for when Best Buy would open.
Much like the white man did to the buffalo, they did to the flat screen TV’s on this day. “They massacred all of them for no other reason than to not allow me to watch a Redskins football game on a 55 inch LED TV” said Alawa Paqua.
One Native American turned his head and a lone tear came out as he held a doorbusters coupon book in his hand.
So for this Black Friday, if you see a Native American in line, give him your spot, it’s the least you could do as reparations for their people.
Atheist Boy Dies From Too Much Christmas Joy From A Starbucks Cup Because They Contain Magical Elf Dust
Andrew Landings, 15, died on Monday afternoon when his mother got him his favorite Starbucks drink for making the honor roll and winning the most participation trophy awards in his study hall.
His mother, Alice Landings, knew something was wrong when the Starbucks cashier handed her a red coffee cup.
“The man who handed it to me had a twinkle in his eye, his dimples were merry, his cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry” said Alice Landings.
Alice felt an uneasy feeling around the man as if she should put out warm milk and cookies for him. Alice even felt as if she should be happy and spread Christmas cheer but as a practicing atheist, she’s not allowed to be happy.
Alice told our reporters that she has a hunch that God isn’t real and instilled that belief in her children. But maybe a little bit of faith might have saved her from what was coming next or just simply not buying a stupid red Starbucks cup.
Anyways, once Alice Landings got back into her car, she gave the red Starbucks cup to her son and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
Andrew Landings took a sip from this red cup and he immediately became engulfed in strange knowledge of elf culture. He knew how to make snowballs, eat cookies without getting a stomachache and avoid toll roads.
Andrew became increasingly over joyous and started humming Christmas songs and looking up deals from competitors for holiday lights on his phone and then Andrew’s head exploded. In its place was a giant Candy Cane.
When the coroner came onto the scene, he knew immediately what was wrong.
“I’ve seen magical elf dust ruin people’s lives many times over…as a coroner, you get used to these kinds of things” said the Allentown, PA coroner.
The coroner did help the grieving mother (Alice Landings) by asking her if it was OK if he ate the Candy Cane.
As the police started investigating each Starbucks employee, they heard a clatter and raised their guns to see what was the matter.
“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen” called the Police Chief, who ordered them to investigate where the clatter came from.
They didn’t find the culprit that created the clatter but instead they found an employee corkboard that has 3 female staff members pictures on it marked as “Ho, Ho, Ho”.
The police were at another dead end and they knew who the culprit was but have been unable to catch him for years.
He only comes out of hiding during this time of the year to prey on atheists and his name rhymes with “Commercialism”, said Deputy Ron Clayton.
“He’s a white guy that climbs up and down people’s chimneys, to me, he’s a pervert and an atheist killer” said Police Chief Don Onstayer.
The police told Alice Landings that the only way they could catch her son’s killer is if she started to believe in Santa Claus.
And on that night, Alice Landings regained her Christmas spirit.
This time of the year is very busy for me and it's hard for me to write new stuff. I'm currently prepping for 2 shows and I had to completely tear down my back porch and build a new one. Plus hours at my day job increase during this time of the year and then there's holiday shopping, family coming by for visits and putting up my massive christmas decoration displays. I could easily put some cheap old material up from the past that has never seen the light of day but I don't want to put up cheap jokes or horrible articles. I will try to get some new material up for everyone every 2 weeks. I think that is reasonable. But once January hits, its back to every week something being posted up on here.
Sorry for the inconvenience to all my readers out there. I know I've grown in leaps and bounds from all of you visiting my page on weekly basis since I re-did this site back in May and sharing all my articles. I cannot thank you enough for doing that, I am truly grateful.
Well, I was not expecting the success of my Halloween One Liners that I posted up last week. I honestly did that to buy time to write a new fake journal article but since it was such a huge hit, I came up with 27 more Halloween jokes.
Yep, THAT’S 40 HALLOWEEN JOKES TOTAL.
I could basically take my time and say these all on stage for my own Halloween Comedy Special if I wanted to.
You can view the original 13 Halloween jokes from last week here http://thetowncrier.weebly.com/blog/halloween-party-jokes
Hopefully, some of these make you laugh and honestly, you probably won’t find many Halloween centered jokes online, except for here. Enjoy.
1. I went to see a psychic and she asked why I was here….I guess not all of them can be real.
2. I was so afraid of the dark when I was a kid because of what my parents told me….they even said they were scared of it to…..but it turns out….my neighbor was actually a cool guy.
3. For Trick or Treat night, I’m going to write “Life” on my T-shirt and hand out lemons.
4. I keep telling my roommate that there’s a demon in our house that’s trying to possess my body when I sleep….he said, “Surprise….I’m gay”.
5. I got a creepy call from a stranger saying in a muffled voice, “I know what you did last summer”….I traced the call and it turns out….Verizon is still pissed I dropped their services.
6. If you’re not supposed to eat humans, then why are they made of meat? – Cannibal
7. I heard a noise come from the basement and I was told that it’s my mind playing tricks on me and I said, “No dad…I can hear mom screaming”.
8. You know you take life too seriously when you need a buddy system for bobbing for apples.
9. Bad things happen to people who play the Ouija board….but in general, bad things happen to stupid people.
10. I think it’s funny that one house on a block is haunted out of all the other houses….I guess even in the afterlife, even ghosts have to abide by property lines.
11. I’m a lucky guy, my wife has the body of a teenager….that she keeps in the fridge.
12. Why does Michael Myers breathe so heavy under his mask? Is he constantly having an allergy attack?
13. I think the last person Freddy Krueger would want to go after in a dream is a pyromaniac.
14. If you have sex with a vampire…..wouldn’t that be considered necrophilia?
15. It’s hard being a ghost and having friends because you don’t get to see them all the time.
16. I think the real reason “Candyman” comes to haunt you after you say his name (3) times is to show you his hook hand and warn you about the physical costs of diabetes.
17. In the first “Saw” movie, a guy cuts his own leg off and crawls away saying he’s going to get help….he probably forgot about logic.
18. It might be hard to tell who would win best skeleton costume at a fashion show.
19. All the rooms in my house are haunted except for the living room.
20. 3:15 is the devil’s hour…but is that pacific or eastern time?
21. Favorite Church of Satan song…”Satan, why you always creepin around in the dark?”
22. I don’t think we should condemn the Church of Satan people, their only 2 steps away from being a regular war causing real religion. They just need to turn their cross right side up and believe in God.
23. I don’t know why anyone takes the time to look for ghosts when there are stores that have spirits.
24. I don’t know why they call “Mummies”, “Mummies”, when they look more like masking taped humans.
25. A friend of mine went into a supposedly haunted tunnel, flashed his lights 3 times, then turned them off and waited for a sign….I’ll always remember his courage.
26. The saying, “The company you keep”, should really be only used for serial killers.
27. What “Jaws” did for sharks, “The Walking Dead” did for every 2nd amendment redneck.
Well, there you have it, I hope you enjoyed them and use these jokes at your Halloween parties. But I will need them back after Halloween season is over….well, at least the good ones.
Halloween is approaching and everyone will soon be attending parties. If you want to impress people with your comedic timing or show just how odd you really are, use some of these jokes at your get together's.
1. I got so sick of trick or treaters during Halloween that I turned the lights out….in hindsight, no one should have given me a job as a lighthouse keeper.
2. I like to go trick or treating as a werewolf who hasn’t transformed yet.
3. A midget can go as the sci-fi creature “predator” and tell everyone that he’s a child predator.
4. I got a book on haunted cemeteries but I got confused by all the plots.
5. Jason Voorhes is a true momma’s boy….dude, killed a lot of people for his mama.
6. I hate Chucky, how can a little doll hurt you, kick it, hit it with a pillow, return it to K-mart.
7. Why does the Scream guy look like he’s about to go down on someone?
8. I feel that pinhead from hellraiser would be a good candidate to talk to construction workers about on the job accidents.
9. If zombies were real, there would be such a thing as “zombie shaming”….basically, it would be you putting a note around a zombie that says, “Ate my neighbor”.
10. The scariest Halloween costume would be male pattern baldness.
11. When he goes soft, just toss him out and get another one…..for the record, I was talking about pumpkins.
12. Trick Or Treat night is the best time to give out those bibles that were forced upon you by that stranger.
13. Remember “no” means “no” but if someone is dressed up pretending to be someone else, technically, aren’t they pretending to say “no”?
There you have it, go use these for your fun Halloween parties and after that, I’m going to need these back…well, not all of them, just the good ones.
A lot of men don’t know it but they just went through their monthly man period. Not a lot of men are aware that this can happen to them but it’s about as common as just being a man. We don’t bleed out like women do and if you happen to bleed out of your male privates, please see a doctor, this is not a monthly man period, something is seriously wrong with you.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Well, how do I know if I have a man period?”
HOLD UP, HOLY CRAP, WE ARE GETTING TO THAT, WOULD YOU JUST GIVE US A SECOND TO GATHER OUR THOUGHTS…..
Ok, sorry about that, but let’s brush up on what man periods are really called. Man periods are called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) and it’s caused by the testosterone levels being dropped in the male. This can cause him to be angry, irritable, depressed or anxious.
So what are the signs that a man is going through his man period? And how can you treat it?
First off, let’s show you what the signs are.
1. A man wearing shades and whimpering during braveheart.
2. A man eating part of a chimichanga and saving it for later.
3. A man passing up the opportunity to use his free redbox rental coupon.
4. A man not laughing at a Chuck Norris joke.
5. A man finding no comfort with a Macho Man Randy Savage impersonation.
6. A man passes by the beef jerky section at the grocery store.
7. A man takes a 5 minute dump.
8. A man looks at a piece of lumber wood and thinks heavily about returning it to it’s mother.
9. A man actually dresses himself in appropriate matching attire.
10. A man looks at a woman and sees her as an equal.
11. A man claims he’s going to start changing his life around.
12. A man acts normal when getting a cold instead of hovering in a corner by himself detached from the world with a cough and sniffles.
Here’s how you can help treat a man suffering from his man period.
1. Laugh at him and tell him he’s on his man period.
There you have it, now you know exactly how to diagnose and treat man periods. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel like Uncle Feminine is coming to town.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.