Pittsburgh native comedian “Jerry Wrighthour” finally got the moment every comedian can’t wait to get out of their mouths and that’s a great dick joke. Jerry Wrighthour has spent years of trying to figure out a unique way to tell a hilarious original dick joke but he kept coming up short when compared to his fellow comedian friends.
“My dick joke is about 8 minutes long” said comedian Jordan Deters.
“My dick joke is an average 6 minutes long” said comedian Dave Bribsy.
But the reigning champ of dick jokes belongs to Joey Chase.
“His is so long, no one can touch it…it’s the most unique thing I’ve ever seen” said comedian Ryan Stouter.
Joey Chase has a 12 minute dick joke which is the equivalent to one ruler or a dinner plate chock full of dick jokes ready to be consumed by a mouth or in this case, inside an ear.
But for Jerry Wrighthour, none of this mattered because he set a goal for himself and didn’t care what others had to say. Some people told him that his dick jokes were too soft but Jerry knew his were hard and just needed to stroke some of the wordings to get it going.
Last night, at a local pub for an open mic night, Jerry planned on doing 5 minutes of dick jokes he was sure that would be successful but he was only able to muster up 30 seconds worth.
“I blew it early, I’ll have to swallow this one and get back at it again” said Jerry Wrighthour.
Jerry did leave some people satisfied as some patrons came over to him after the open mic show and congratulated him on that great dick joke he told. That’s when Jerry realized he did it, he nailed a great dick joke. Sure, not all of them were winners but that first one worked and it was the one to measure up against as he continues to make more dick jokes.
“I know I can stretch it out longer now if I shave off the fluff and extend the main shaft of the dick joke that worked into a fully blossomed bit” said Jerry Wrighthour. Hopefully, Jerry can do this with a hot crowd and not a cold one that won’t be as receptive to his future dick jokes because Jerry knows, it can be longer.
And if you’re still reading this, I believe mine is about this long from top to bottom. If you don’t believe me, just know I own a truck and maybe that will explain it.
Each year, thousands of American citizens go to war against each other to get materialistic things they don’t need, right after they are thankful for everything they already have only hours earlier on thanksgiving. That day is called Black Friday.
Black Friday is a day of simple rules; you wait in line, get the amazing sale and return home a warrior to your family.
However, on this day last year, those rules were challenged by a Native American man who felt wronged by the system.
“I put up my teepee, camped out and waited for mother Best Buy to open. I made friends with a white man and I showed him how to reboot his phone so he could show his other white friends how to do the same. Then morning came and the white man invaded my space by leaping in front of my spot in line” said Alawa Paqua.
Alawa Paqua felt shamed because he knows all too well about the white man’s past with his people. “They always seem nice at first but then they cut in line year after year. How am I supposed to go back to my family and tell them I let a white man take the 5th spot for a free 55 Inch Samsung LED TV”.
Tired of being wronged by the white man, Alawa Paqua decided to cut in line to the rightful spot of land that he deserved. That’s when all the other people in line started to get rowdy.
“They have a reserved spot for people like him and it’s now in the back of the line” said one patron waiting outside.
“I’m from out of the country” said one black man as he witnessed the incident taking place.
Alawa Paqua knew he was out numbered and needed to call in reinforcements. An hour later, a clan of Native Americans with war paint on drove up and cut right up to the front of the line.
“History has taught us that our people were here before you and that’s why we need to get a great deal on electronic devices” said Goga Mawalu. However, the white customers in this line felt otherwise and devised an atrocious act for when Best Buy would open.
Much like the white man did to the buffalo, they did to the flat screen TV’s on this day. “They massacred all of them for no other reason than to not allow me to watch a Redskins football game on a 55 inch LED TV” said Alawa Paqua.
One Native American turned his head and a lone tear came out as he held a doorbusters coupon book in his hand.
So for this Black Friday, if you see a Native American in line, give him your spot, it’s the least you could do as reparations for their people.
Atheist Boy Dies From Too Much Christmas Joy From A Starbucks Cup Because They Contain Magical Elf Dust
Andrew Landings, 15, died on Monday afternoon when his mother got him his favorite Starbucks drink for making the honor roll and winning the most participation trophy awards in his study hall.
His mother, Alice Landings, knew something was wrong when the Starbucks cashier handed her a red coffee cup.
“The man who handed it to me had a twinkle in his eye, his dimples were merry, his cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry” said Alice Landings.
Alice felt an uneasy feeling around the man as if she should put out warm milk and cookies for him. Alice even felt as if she should be happy and spread Christmas cheer but as a practicing atheist, she’s not allowed to be happy.
Alice told our reporters that she has a hunch that God isn’t real and instilled that belief in her children. But maybe a little bit of faith might have saved her from what was coming next or just simply not buying a stupid red Starbucks cup.
Anyways, once Alice Landings got back into her car, she gave the red Starbucks cup to her son and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
Andrew Landings took a sip from this red cup and he immediately became engulfed in strange knowledge of elf culture. He knew how to make snowballs, eat cookies without getting a stomachache and avoid toll roads.
Andrew became increasingly over joyous and started humming Christmas songs and looking up deals from competitors for holiday lights on his phone and then Andrew’s head exploded. In its place was a giant Candy Cane.
When the coroner came onto the scene, he knew immediately what was wrong.
“I’ve seen magical elf dust ruin people’s lives many times over…as a coroner, you get used to these kinds of things” said the Allentown, PA coroner.
The coroner did help the grieving mother (Alice Landings) by asking her if it was OK if he ate the Candy Cane.
As the police started investigating each Starbucks employee, they heard a clatter and raised their guns to see what was the matter.
“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen” called the Police Chief, who ordered them to investigate where the clatter came from.
They didn’t find the culprit that created the clatter but instead they found an employee corkboard that has 3 female staff members pictures on it marked as “Ho, Ho, Ho”.
The police were at another dead end and they knew who the culprit was but have been unable to catch him for years.
He only comes out of hiding during this time of the year to prey on atheists and his name rhymes with “Commercialism”, said Deputy Ron Clayton.
“He’s a white guy that climbs up and down people’s chimneys, to me, he’s a pervert and an atheist killer” said Police Chief Don Onstayer.
The police told Alice Landings that the only way they could catch her son’s killer is if she started to believe in Santa Claus.
And on that night, Alice Landings regained her Christmas spirit.
A lot of men don’t know it but they just went through their monthly man period. Not a lot of men are aware that this can happen to them but it’s about as common as just being a man. We don’t bleed out like women do and if you happen to bleed out of your male privates, please see a doctor, this is not a monthly man period, something is seriously wrong with you.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Well, how do I know if I have a man period?”
HOLD UP, HOLY CRAP, WE ARE GETTING TO THAT, WOULD YOU JUST GIVE US A SECOND TO GATHER OUR THOUGHTS…..
Ok, sorry about that, but let’s brush up on what man periods are really called. Man periods are called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) and it’s caused by the testosterone levels being dropped in the male. This can cause him to be angry, irritable, depressed or anxious.
So what are the signs that a man is going through his man period? And how can you treat it?
First off, let’s show you what the signs are.
1. A man wearing shades and whimpering during braveheart.
2. A man eating part of a chimichanga and saving it for later.
3. A man passing up the opportunity to use his free redbox rental coupon.
4. A man not laughing at a Chuck Norris joke.
5. A man finding no comfort with a Macho Man Randy Savage impersonation.
6. A man passes by the beef jerky section at the grocery store.
7. A man takes a 5 minute dump.
8. A man looks at a piece of lumber wood and thinks heavily about returning it to it’s mother.
9. A man actually dresses himself in appropriate matching attire.
10. A man looks at a woman and sees her as an equal.
11. A man claims he’s going to start changing his life around.
12. A man acts normal when getting a cold instead of hovering in a corner by himself detached from the world with a cough and sniffles.
Here’s how you can help treat a man suffering from his man period.
1. Laugh at him and tell him he’s on his man period.
There you have it, now you know exactly how to diagnose and treat man periods. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel like Uncle Feminine is coming to town.
Here’s a list of things you should never say to a police officer for fun no matter what the situation is.
1. Never say this when walking up to a police officer
“ Can you hold this knife for me, it’s only been used once? God rest his soul.”
2. Never say this when an officer walks up to you.
“Well great, now that you’re here, this deal isn’t happening at all now.”
3. Never say this to an officer during a DUI check when they tell you to walk a line.
“Can I snort it instead?”
4. Never say this to an officer when being pulled over for speeding.
“I’m glad you’re only pulling me over for a speeding violation, I thought it was because of what I have in my trunk.”
5. Never say this when an officer wants to know what you have on your person.
“Slavery’s over, I don’t own a person.”
6. Never say this when an officer say’s “Hello” to you.
“Ohhhhhhh crap, he’s onto me (start running away).”
7. Never say this when an officer tells you the park is closed.
“I’m not harming anyone officer, I’m just finding the perfect spot to pick up a child tomorrow aaaaand I got it, have a great night.”
8. Never say this to an officer when going through the metal detector at the local courthouse.
“I thought about brining my unlicensed AK-47 in as a scare tactic if things don’t go in my favor but then I took my meds and realized, that’s such a silly idea….I’ll just call in a fake bomb threat like any normal citizen would do.”
9. Never say this to an officer when giving a detailed report of what you saw at a crime scene.
“I’m telling you, it’s a guy that looks like me but isn’t me.”
10. Never say this to an officer when they ask you about your whereabouts.
“I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt but thanks for noticing.”
The Altoona KKK Team and the Bedford KKK Team were set to square off in a friendly game of football this past Saturday when an issue came up. “We can’t both wear white sheets, how will we know which team is which?” said Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid of the Bedford KKK branch.
Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid has been with the menial KKK group since he was a kid, he enjoys blind hatred and he doesn’t have any wizardry powers. “If I did have wizardry powers, there’d be no race wars” said Tim Stolid.
When informed about how his comment could be interpreted as peace between the races, Tim Stolid retracted his statement and said, “There’d be no race wars, if I did have wizardry powers”.
However, the issue of what to do about how they will recognize whose who on each side of the football game still persisted.
That’s when John Puerile of the Altoona KKK branch decided they should have away and home team colors. The home team would be white and the away team’s colors would be black.
This is where things fell apart, everyone became in such a ruckus that anyone would ever suggest wearing black.
“It’s completely offensive to what our beliefs are” said Bob Inane of the Altoona KKK branch.
To which we asked, “What beliefs?”.
Bob Inane said he’d have to go and ask his Grand Master Wizard what they were.
Steve Doltish of the Bedford KKK branch said, “I don’t even drink chocolate milk because it comes from a biracial cow”.
As the minutes ticked by, one person suggested they use the old method of white sheets vs skins but then someone reminded them that they’d look like sweaty Mexicans and that approach was canned.
Ideas went rapid for a good while with how to address this issue and that’s when someone pointed out that the football is brown colored. You could hear a burnt cross drop to the ground with how quiet everyone got.
“It was like that time someone asked me if I dreamed and I said “Yeah” and they told me that I now have something in common with Martin Luther King, Jr, then they told me that my poop was brown…..that last one rattled my brain for weeks but now this issue of the football being brown colored….how do we solve this issue?” said Devin Dim of the Altoona KKK branch.
At that moment, Andrew Obtuse of the Bedford KKK branch picked up the football and said, “It’s only a football”. That’s when the entire Altoona KKK branch shouted, “Race Traitor!!!!” and charged at the entire Bedford KKK branch.
Fists were flying, bones were breaking and egos were bruised as mother nature started to pour rain atop everyone, causing the ground to get muddy and wet. As the fight continued in the pouring rain, every member of the KKK branches were covered in mud. That’s when one of the Bedford KKK members noticed they all looked black. The fight immediately stopped and tears of sadness overcame everyone.
“I could never have fathomed in a million years that blackness was under our feet this whole time, how could Jesus do this to us”, cried Tobey Rash of the Altoona KKK branch.
That’s when Andrew Obtuse realized that Jesus was a Jew and that explained everything. Both sides cried out in pain and felt foolish for not seeing what’s been in front of them this whole time.
Minutes later, both KKK branches went home but not in their cars because the tires were black and not in their shoes because the soles were black but on their feet.
One can only hope that they’d be lost to time on that journey back because that’s where their ideals belong.
Kim Davis was sent to jail for 5 days but why she really went there is the real shocker.
Ever since Gay Marriage was passed in August of 2015, Kim Davis has been curious about another nail polished hand brushing against her bearded clam or even having her pastrami flaps licked clean.
“I wondered what all the hub bub was about with same sex relationships, like do I bring the adapter or does she? Or who goes out on a run for batteries when the adapter dies?”, said Kim Davis.
However, as a hardcore Christian, she didn’t want to penetrate through God’s will of what the institution of marriage is supposed to be about but thought that God does forgive and it would be a funny highlight reel moment when she goes to heaven as God and her discuss that random night of promiscuity.
So with that being said, Kim Davis set up a secret account on AshleyMadison.com under the alias “Scissor Sisters Unite”. However, no one replied back to her requests for a one night “Muff Dive” session.
“Then it hit me in the poody tat as I was watching a documentary about prison sex. I thought, that’s the way to go”, said Kim Davis. There was one problem though, Kim Davis didn’t know exactly what crime she would commit in order to go to jail. Lots of ideas entered her head like, “Collecting rain water during a drought”, “Overdue library books”, or “Changing a mannequin’s clothes at a retail store”.
Instead, Kim Davis went with the old classic, “help destroy another person’s life that has no affect on your life or the way you lead it but you feel it does because you get the creeps about the topic that you don’t understand but act as if you do and thus the only option is to rally other Christian supporters with feeble minds to hate another group of individuals based on the simple basis that pee pee’s and wookies should never touch anyone of the same gender”…in other words, stop accepting gay marriage licenses.
This is exactly what Kim Davis did the next day at work until she was thrown in jail for defying a U.S. Federal Court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
“As I was being hauled off to jail, my twatlantic ocean started buzzing with excitement as I got closer to the female ward section”, said Kim Davis.
Immediately as she got there, Kim Davis started sending out vibes that her beef curtains were looking for a pounding. Unfortunately, as the days went by, Kim Davis watched all the women have sex with each other and no one had sex with her.
“I felt depressed as if I was singled out as a close minded Christian”, said Kim Davis. Kim Davis even went as far as to getting completely naked, putting bars of soap up her republic of labia and shooting them out one by one as they skipped across the shower floors. “This did nothing for the ladies and it caused me to have a urinary tract infection”, said Kim Davis.
Only a few days later, she was notified by her legal council that September 9th was going to be her last day in jail. Kim Davis felt deeply saddened because she never got that lesbian experience she was looking for and when she felt like her finger warmer was backed up against a wall of self-defeat, Kim Davis got the biggest surprise ever.
“I was reading the bible when I was shanked repeatedly by a crucifix in the stink rink by another female inmate”, said Kim Davis. It was during this moment that Kim Davis felt a rush of orgasmic waves like no other, even to the point where she queefed. “I thanked the female inmate as the guards threw her to the ground”, said Kim Davis.
Upon having this moment, Kim Davis was ready to leave jail and secure her spot forever in the public eye as a woman whose mind is as bright as a darkened room with neon arrows leading towards a sign saying “Doesn’t Affect Your Life, Just Do Your Job You Twat”. But then she see’s a neon “X” mark flashing over a sign saying “Bigotry This Way”. And unlike Robert Frost, she didn’t choose “The Road Less Traveled”.
In this section, we will teach you how to talk like a rich elitist when eating out at fancy restaurants like “Eat’N Park” or “Denny’s” with your friends.
In fact, they’ll be so impressed with your rich elitist sentences, they’ll think, wow, he talks like an out of touch American.
We won’t go too overboard though, we don’t want to give your friends the impression that you can only exclusively eat at fancy big name restaurants like “Olive Garden”.
So for this lesson, let’s start off with some basic rich elitist sentences and I’ll break them down for you one by one.
Rich Elitist Sentence 1
“Nancy, did you know I’m going to impregnate my gondola tomorrow?”
Translation: “Nancy, did you know I’m going to submerge my boat tomorrow?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 2
I don’t know about you but I’m poised to rip into this delectable repast
Translation: “I don’t know about you but I’m going to rip into this delicious meal”
Rich Elitist Sentence 3
“Fred, did I tell you that my manservant lassoed his yoke in the vim put-put that I keep outside by the lagoon?”
Translation: “Fred, did I tell you that my butler caught his zipper in the steam engine that I keep outside by the pool?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 4
“Fledgling buck, can I get the poltroon lambaste aboriginal American with a dash of alloy on the skirting?”
Translation: “Young boy, can I get the chicken roasted Indian with a dash of soup on the side?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 5
“Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman gesticulated that he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a titmouse startled him and he pricked a digit?”
Translation: “Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman made gestures while he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a bird startled him and he pricked his finger?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 6
“Andrew got scared by a croaker frisking across my navel”
Translation: “Andrew got scared by a frog leaping across my navel”
Rich Elitist Sentence 7
“A peacock dribbled pungent onto my udder”
Translation: “A peacock spit acid onto my nipple”
Rich Elitist Sentence 8
“Did you fathom that windjammer paraded his pussy in a nursery down on main street?
Translation: “Did you know that a sailor showed his cat in a garden down on main street?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 9
“I construe that a mouthpiece furnished a serpent by a hatchback with a note that construed, “My impecunious stool pigeon bugbear your bowels”
Translation: “I read that a lawyer hung a snake by a car with a note that read, “My poor rat hates your guts”.
Rich Elitist Sentence 10
“That is very humdinger, would you imbibe on my coccyx later tonight?”
Translation: “That is very funny, would you suck on my tailbone later tonight?”
There you have it. Now start memorizing these rich elitist sentences and start impressing your friends to the point that you can easily herd the crowd of true friends who still want to be around you.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.