First off, this piece is about an egotistical, mind controlling, douche bag boss that I had awhile back. Now I'm sure we've all had those bosses and because I and everyone else hated him. I created an success list in the voice of my boss and how he acts. You can take this list and take out my bosses name for yours. Also, if you post this at work, I'm not responsible for you collecting unemployment.
Bob Cuttlie's Handbook of Success
It’s hard to believe that right now in your hands is the secret to success. I want you to remember this moment as the one that changed your life forever. This is not my opus for my own egocentric amusement but a mere glimpse into the grandeur things in life. Pick up a chair, grab some coffee and sit down because I’m about to blow your mind.
Thank you for joining me to have me share my thoughts on success. As all of you know, I have become the supreme alpha male amongst all of society and to that I thank each and every one of you. Before I begin with my easy steps to success, let me tell you about a little boy who pounded salt in the Netherlands of Topeka
I think we can all agree that most of us came into this world by the cementing of fermenting women and ejaculating men. However, for me, it was a different story, my parents were norse gods from the planet of nuntuk and because of the civil war on our planet, we flew to earth on nothing but a dream and some aspercreme. Nah, I’m kidding, we all need to have a sense of humor because without it more children in Africa would die
Now I can’t reveal to you in which order these steps go, a true ideologist never gives away his secrets but with will power and this concealed cheat sheet safely stowed away in a dinosaur at the Smithsonian museum, you too can bathe in my success as well your own
Step 1: Look yourself in the mirror and say “God, are you there” and when you get no reply you’ll know that I’m the only one looking out for you
Step 2: Pound salt: Life can be frustrating but a good old pound salt session will relieve your stress and afterwards while looking at your bloody knuckles, you’ll realize one of two things. A, you have no life insurance and should’ve skipped this step or B, your mind will feel like a bald eagle glazing over a squirrel like it wants to rape it and by this notion only will you be able to fully comprehend my next step
Step 3: You are not Bob Cuttlie so skip to step 4 but if you are Bob Cuttlie then only you know this secret step, consult with your frontal lobe to prepare massive thinking session.
Step 4: Speak to people in a condescending way that makes them feel appreciated but yet moved by your appreciation for them and by doing this step you have slowly put the knife in someone’s back, so congratulations, go have a beer and drive home drunk
Step 5: Glad to see that you made it, most people die from step 4 but since you’re here let’s prepare for your next goal. Flirt with every woman that you see but continue to tell yourself that you are a happily married man so that way there is no guilt trip and just in case you’re single, grab a shotgun, put a shell in it and pull the trigger
Step 6: I’ll admit, step 5 was not a lesson to success but a mere life lesson one should think about. So to make up for step 5, I will add two things into step 6 that are important for success.
Always buy a protection agreement, I know I would, you see I have kids and there god ugly
Therefore I think, (be careful what you think, the world is not ready for this), I propose that each and every one of you go out and ride the coat tails of an Egyptian philanthropist, he can easily persuade you to be a hedonistic calculus
Step 7: Always make everyone submit to your empty threats of propaganda and on occasion that you do have to carry out those threats, always do it with wide eyes, a smile and talk about how your not the bad guy and you’d wished this all would’ve worked out in the end
Step 8: No one is your friend use everyone as a stepping stone but be polite and promise them a game of Chinese checkers.
Step 9: Never tuck a shirt in, it's a sign of weakness and infidelity. If Osama Bin Laden tucked his shirt in, you think he'd be where he is at today, no, then neither shall you or I.
Step 10: Trust, there is no such thing, only fools and pawns in a game of life. So for this step you must find two people who will do your bidding. Reward them with high fives and sugar coated apples. Expect them to find out everything and report back to you in a prompt manner with passwords such as password and I forget the password. As a side note, you must slowly process everything, so to get that done, excuse yourself every time information is given to you with, “I’ll get back to you on that”.
Step 11: Someone once told me that Donkey Kong was real and still to this day the investigation goes on when I’m not bathing in my success.
Step 12: Always be the one to talk even in small groups of one on one. Make up stories for scars that never exist but make them crazy enough that they are repulsed but at the same time respectful towards you.
Step 13: Blackmail is the most important factor because let’s face it without it their would be no Kelsey Grammer.
Step 14: Now that I've written the book on Jesus Perfection, I shall wait my turn toward enlightenment.
Now that you know my step by step process to the secret of success, I demand that you throw this handbook out and forget it all. This is the secret to success and you bought into it and with each book sold I’m one step closer to a gazillion dollars.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.