Human beings are so afraid of death and on some level were selfish pricks about it. For example, have you ever seen a funeral procession drive by and think....thank god it’s no one I know?
Another way we’re selfish pricks about death is that we like to keep loved ones on life support for weeks. Why? Because they had so much more time.....he’s 96, what great thing could he have missed out on besides 2 girls one cup.
The only people not afraid of death are mass suicide people. They meet their maker in an 8oz glass of kool-aid.
You know, I’ve always wondered what it would take to get a group of people to commit suicide together? Did they get rid of casual Fridays at work or are they just all married men and this was the only way out?
Also, has there ever been a person who has had second thoughts as everyone’s drinking from the cup at the same time? Like the person just tips the cup back to make it appear as if he’s drinking it and everyone around him dies and later he tells the police for why he’s the only survivor, “we agreed to a count system, no one counted down, I said Ezekiel are we counting down and he said yes, they all mentally counted, I don’t do mental count downs, I only do out loud count downs”.
I will say that if you wanna ruin the day for a farmer, a mass load of people dead in his corn fields is one way to do it.
But back to death, another reason people are afraid of death is because they want to accomplish their dreams. Saddam and Bin Laden didn’t get theirs, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
I've even heard people say stupid reasons for why they don’t want to die over the years like “I better not die before my yoga class, my back really needs it”….trust me, you’re back will feel better than ever once you die.
But death is something we don't like to talk about in society and it was hard for me grasp onto when I was younger.
My first dose of death was when my grandfather passed away and even before he died, I always thought he was dead because he couldn’t hear, couldn’t taste, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t walk and just slept....pretty much text book for the word “Dead”.
When he did die, I was so young, I didn’t understand, you don’t get it when everyone’s telling you a loved one has moved onto a better place and then you see this place. It’s not so great. People can only visit you one at a time, there’s no room for them to move around in and the drapes on the closing wall is horrendous. I remember thinking, grandpa even looked pale, so I rubbed instant tanning lotion on him....he ended up looking like a dead carrot instead.
When you see dead people at funeral’s, their always mildly smiling as if to say “Eh, thing’s could be better”. Smiling let’s you know everything’s alright, if that’s the case, then give me a jackolantern smile when I die....it’ll probably freak everyone out but at least you’ll know I’m alright.
Hell, why should we stop at humans, let’s get road kill while we’re at it, "look dad a chipmunk", "oh, he’s alright, look, he’s smiling".
The funny thing is that African tribes don’t put a smile on their dead, they just lay them down on a pile of sticks and burn it. Now that’s more eco friendly, burn the dead and you save forest land, then you don’t have to waste a wooden box that could have been used for the next Stephen King novel.
Besides the actual circumstance of death, the only other creepy factor is the funeral parlor, man are they just creepy. Actually, someone once told me that funeral parlor’s would be less creepy if dead people weren’t there.....yeah, it’d be called a house.
And what’s with funeral music. Funeral music is the worst kind of music ever. If someone didn't know what funeral music was, just tell them to take all the heartaches and lowest points of their life and smash them down into an MP3....you have funeral music.
They do say that music can affect your mood so it’d be weird if someone had funeral music on their IPod while driving.....this is a nice song and now I’ve suddenly have the urge to wonder how much carbon monoxide my car puts out…oh look, a garage.
I think it’d be even weirder if someone used funeral music as a pump up for working out....."what you listening to?"....."that new rap artist “flippyflopz”, you?"....."stevens and sons mortuary".
I’d really lose it if a funeral song became a hot 100 hit…I know you’re dying for it, here’s stevens and sons mortuary hit “Identify me, embalm me, see you in heaven”, with special vocals from god.
I do wish there was some sort of smell that would let you know whether or not a loved one went to heaven or hell...."(sniff) you smell that"..."yeah, grandpa smells crispy, we know where he went".
Honestly, we already pre-concieve everyones going to hell by lowering their body into the ground or else we’d shoot their lifeless corpse into space to be with the heavens.
Of course, this is all if you believe unless you’re an.....”atheist"...."Ughh, just put a twig over my dead body and a flower will grow”....cheer up, my god, I swear they started the emo movement.....stop being depressed, take your Zoloft and pray to your plants.....if you’re so sure there’s nothing beyond this realm, then live our your life....."what’s wrong?"....."I’m atheist"...."so you have proof god doesn’t exist?"...."no.....it’s just a hunch".
Regardless, whether you believe or not, I hope I accomplish great things before I die. I don’t want my life story to read, "he worked at adult world for 11 years....he was the best battery to accessory salesman".
The point of all this is......don't take drugs while sleep deprived and watch a documentary about the death, dying and the after life.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.