We all know the point of view of a miscarriage from a woman's perspective. It's difficult, hard to deal with and they fully never get over it. Meanwhile, a husband is there to help them in this difficult time and a man will never truly know what it was like to deal with such a loss from inside the body. However, that does not mean the man in your relationship is stone cold to the topic. We feel, we hurt, we get sad and we cry with miscarriages. It's just usually when you're not around because man hunt food, man make fire, man grrrrr, man fart, man poops for an ungodly amount of time. That's the emotion that's perceived but we feel the pain of the loss just as much as you do emotionally.
My point of this is to tell the story of my wife's miscarriage and how it affected me, in hopes that men can start to open up about this topic. Why now you may be asking yourself? Because it happened right before Father's Day 3 years ago. I also feel more able and open to talk about it now as well. So here's my story from my manly point of view.....
In May 2013, my wife took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was excited and told my friends that she took the test and she's positive to which my friends replied, "For AIDS?". I guess I left out the words, "pregnancy" in my excitement.
We told our families as well and they were so excited, especially my mom when I told her she can't retire yet because she needs to keep working to buy my child expensive gifts that I can't afford. Hey, it's not really forced slavery if the person wants to do it, right?
During all of this, I was excited on the surface but I was upset on the inside. I never really wanted kids but I was open to the idea of it. Well, that idea is now a reality and now I'm on the game show inside my head called "Get Your Life In Order Within 9 Months".
I started looking at myself in all the ways I could improve to be a better husband and a soon to be better father because I don't want my child to need therapy because of something I did, I want them to want therapy because of something I didn't do.
Finally, I started to grasp this reality of fatherhood and became genuinely excited and couldn't wait for our first visit to the doctor's office.
After years of trying, here is the big day to see this person on a sonogram and I'll never forget that day. The skies were the brightest shade of blue I've ever seen, the birds chirped on and on and the sun was so vibrant shining on us. It was like we entered into a Disney movie in toon town (Roger Rabbit reference for all those poor poor millennials that don't understand that reference).
As we were going to the appointment, I felt like I was on cloud 9, like my energy could have cured the crisis in the middle east or at the very least, paid someones rent.
Instead, when we got there, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, so they do an ultra sound and say nothing at all to us during this. Just silence and to put this into perspective for someone who may not understand. It's like watching a football game on mute and you're blind. Everyone around you is groaning but you don't know what's going on. Is that a penalty? Is that not a penalty? Did we lose? Jesus, someone just tell me what's going on.
Once the ultra sound is done. They put us into a room where there's a statue of a fallen angel. Now I'm not good at foreshadowing but I think any person with a brain can solve this one.
The worst part, they had us sit in this room for over an hour and a half all worried and scared. Then the doctor comes in and tells us they forgot about us and their closed. Then he says before leaving, "Oh hey by the way, your baby is dead, you can pay for your visit up front".
I know what you're thinking right now.....Holy Crap.....I forgot to DVR that show last night.
The thing that sucked was that we needed to get groceries at Wal-Mart and that's not a place you wanna go after hearing news like this but we're out of everything. So when we get there, I wanted to abduct so many children but for all the right reasons. I wanted to clothe them, bathe them, feed them, love them, give them a bright hopeful future, you know, the thing's they don't have now. You've seen those families at Wal-Mart, everyone's in motorized carts, collecting SSI, even the dog.
I will say that I hated it when people told us they were having another baby or they weren't trying and it just happened one drunk night. When people told me this stuff, my mind kept thinking, "we should stand away from these stairs right now" or "tell them its ok for them to clean cat litter, especially during the 1st trimester".
I would never do anything to hurt an unborn or born child just to make that clear.
You're upset, jealous, envious and these are the dark thoughts that come up.
The wife and I grieved and during this process, I find out that my married guy friends don't talk about this issue, even if a miscarriage happened to them as well. It's brushed under the rug because guys need to think about tits, beer, pizza, buffalo wings and repeat. There's no time for crying when "Game of Thrones" is on.
This is wrong and should stop now. Guys need to stop being so macho about their feelings. Stop waiting for everyone to leave the house so you can deeply cry in the corner of your basement with tools in your hand like a serial killer.
There's so much support for women that go through this but for guys, there is only the wife and that's if you open up to her. Its ok to cry and it's ok to express the hurt with others and there really should be support groups for men that go through this as well.
Hell, I was depressed for a long time after this, always wondering what if, like how would life be different, would I be a good father, would I ever know what the definition of "sleep" is ever again?
Thankfully, I opened up to my wife and our relationship became stronger than ever but still, men need to open up to each other about this and allow this topic to be discussed and expressed over some beers and a fine porno video.
It may be hard to laugh but laughter is so crucial to coping and getting through a tragedy. I encourage all men to open up, learn to laugh, seek professional help if they need it and to keep trying for another child with your significant other because good things will happen.
I know this because through all the struggle and all the tears, eventually something grand will happen like it did for my family. My wife became a bodybuilder (pregnant) for the 2nd time.
Those 9 months were some of the best times of my life but I will say that my wife did get crazy during this time period. Like I remember my wife yelling at me for no reason one time and I couldn’t tell if she said because “Of Hormones” or because “A Whore Moans”. I'm not sure how the latter would affect her but I'm an open guy.
Like all women, she was easily emotional during this time and at one point she was so upset and crying and I asked her why. She said because she’s not sure she’ll be a good mother and I told her, I know you will because good mothers question whether or not they’ll be good mothers, then she paused and asked me if I wonder if I’ll be a good dad, I told her I don’t wonder about those things.
As you can see, I found my sense of humor again and you can tell that by this photo below.
But the wife and I do have a great marriage and I wouldn't have made it through this without her. Miscarriages are a tough subject to talk about and my goal or point with this is to show others hope and strength. Hope to see that if you continue to push on and keep trying, you may one day be rewarded and strength to find the courage to open up and not let this fester inside you.
I will say that I can’t wait for my son to grow up and one day see a resemblance of myself in him. I think it’s funny how friends at my age are freaking out because they are turning into their dad, which is not a bad thing unless you’re dad is Sandusky.
However, I want to make it very clear, the pain still hurts but it does get easier with time. I'll never forget the sadness but with my new joy in my life. I can put it all to rest with being a father and enjoy this Father's Day as a proud parent of my little buddy "Jackson Scott Kinser"
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.