I wrote this sketch as part of my submission packet for this season. The premise is simple, Donald Trump is a puppet as his possessed evil hair is the one whose controlling him.
Vatican – Pope Francis has received word today that Jesus is set to come back to earth but not by a shinning bright light coming out of the open sky. Instead, he will be floating down to earth on a cloud of kittens. Apparently, this is due to the fact that no one will listen or care about you unless you have a kitten in your hand.
“I’m the son of God, you’d think that’d be enough for my children but no….they just want to see cute little kittens….those kittens didn’t sacrifice their life for your forgiveness…I did but you do have free will, so whatever” quoted Pope Francis of his conversation with Jesus.
If this is indeed true, then Jesus will finally break his Guinness World Record streak of “Procrastination” for when someone say’s their coming back.
“If Jesus is really coming back, then the last supper wasn’t the last supper, it was just that one awkward Thanksgiving” said one person in the street.
Atheists are still holding their doubt but a recent poll shows that most of them will convert if confronted by Jesus. “I have a hunch that none of this is real and it’s backed up by no scientific proof and is based merely on faith, just like religion” said Brendan Myers a proud atheist working at the lumber mill.
Even Satanist worshippers have chimed in on social media with their reactions.
“Wal-Mart will remain open and in fact are having “2nd Coming” discounted sales from now until Jesus’ arrival”, said Carl Douglas McMillon (Wal-Mart CEO).
In related news, a study conducted by Harvard shows that most of society has not read the Bible but Cliff Notes sales for the Bible have increased dramatically. If you’re one of many who have not read the Bible, get your Cliff Notes Bible copy today.
Iowa – Congress, NASA, NATO and other high ranking individuals around the world got together yesterday and have deemed that the moon is offensive. Demolition of the moon is scheduled to happen sometime this summer. This comes from a response from sensitive college students with ongoing acme issues that have been called “Crater Face”. They felt that if the moon would go away, no one would be able to use the craters of the moon to describe their embarrassing acme issues.
Many have questioned as to why the biggest leaders of the world would agree to the demolition of the moon.
“We were just trying to save face” said one Attorney General.
“Listen, these kids today go through so much stuff like failed selfies to constantly being bombarded by cute kitten videos to having people just give them what they want all the time….they just need a safe space because words can hurt. God forbid they ever read a dictionary, they would just crumble if they knew what kinds of words were in there” said Vladimir Puttin.
However, the people that will be most affected by the demolition of the moon are werewolves.
“If you take away the moon, you take away my identity, I thought political correctness was against taking away others identities through harm to others?” said Don Lyken (assumed werewolf).
In response to this, one of the sensitive college students made a comment.
“What? Theirs werewolves?” said Lauren Colley (super sensitive student).
No more will werewolves be able to transform from human to wolf nor will they be able to howl at the moon. Instead, they will stay in human form and pretend to howl out at moon pictures online like a rabid dog of their former selves.
The only other dire consequences from demolishing the moon is that the churning of the oceans and circulation of nutrients ceases, water based life struggle to survive and millions of species go extinct. Earth will change rotation and wobble causing our seasons to go into turmoil and the earth will now swing around the sun in a wild, unstable and fluctuating orbit.
“But at least everyone will be safer now” said Jake McCuthery (extremely sensitive student).
Please share this story with any of your sensitive politically correct friends or family.
Each year, thousands of American citizens go to war against each other to get materialistic things they don’t need, right after they are thankful for everything they already have only hours earlier on thanksgiving. That day is called Black Friday.
Black Friday is a day of simple rules; you wait in line, get the amazing sale and return home a warrior to your family.
However, on this day last year, those rules were challenged by a Native American man who felt wronged by the system.
“I put up my teepee, camped out and waited for mother Best Buy to open. I made friends with a white man and I showed him how to reboot his phone so he could show his other white friends how to do the same. Then morning came and the white man invaded my space by leaping in front of my spot in line” said Alawa Paqua.
Alawa Paqua felt shamed because he knows all too well about the white man’s past with his people. “They always seem nice at first but then they cut in line year after year. How am I supposed to go back to my family and tell them I let a white man take the 5th spot for a free 55 Inch Samsung LED TV”.
Tired of being wronged by the white man, Alawa Paqua decided to cut in line to the rightful spot of land that he deserved. That’s when all the other people in line started to get rowdy.
“They have a reserved spot for people like him and it’s now in the back of the line” said one patron waiting outside.
“I’m from out of the country” said one black man as he witnessed the incident taking place.
Alawa Paqua knew he was out numbered and needed to call in reinforcements. An hour later, a clan of Native Americans with war paint on drove up and cut right up to the front of the line.
“History has taught us that our people were here before you and that’s why we need to get a great deal on electronic devices” said Goga Mawalu. However, the white customers in this line felt otherwise and devised an atrocious act for when Best Buy would open.
Much like the white man did to the buffalo, they did to the flat screen TV’s on this day. “They massacred all of them for no other reason than to not allow me to watch a Redskins football game on a 55 inch LED TV” said Alawa Paqua.
One Native American turned his head and a lone tear came out as he held a doorbusters coupon book in his hand.
So for this Black Friday, if you see a Native American in line, give him your spot, it’s the least you could do as reparations for their people.
Atheist Boy Dies From Too Much Christmas Joy From A Starbucks Cup Because They Contain Magical Elf Dust
Andrew Landings, 15, died on Monday afternoon when his mother got him his favorite Starbucks drink for making the honor roll and winning the most participation trophy awards in his study hall.
His mother, Alice Landings, knew something was wrong when the Starbucks cashier handed her a red coffee cup.
“The man who handed it to me had a twinkle in his eye, his dimples were merry, his cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry” said Alice Landings.
Alice felt an uneasy feeling around the man as if she should put out warm milk and cookies for him. Alice even felt as if she should be happy and spread Christmas cheer but as a practicing atheist, she’s not allowed to be happy.
Alice told our reporters that she has a hunch that God isn’t real and instilled that belief in her children. But maybe a little bit of faith might have saved her from what was coming next or just simply not buying a stupid red Starbucks cup.
Anyways, once Alice Landings got back into her car, she gave the red Starbucks cup to her son and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
Andrew Landings took a sip from this red cup and he immediately became engulfed in strange knowledge of elf culture. He knew how to make snowballs, eat cookies without getting a stomachache and avoid toll roads.
Andrew became increasingly over joyous and started humming Christmas songs and looking up deals from competitors for holiday lights on his phone and then Andrew’s head exploded. In its place was a giant Candy Cane.
When the coroner came onto the scene, he knew immediately what was wrong.
“I’ve seen magical elf dust ruin people’s lives many times over…as a coroner, you get used to these kinds of things” said the Allentown, PA coroner.
The coroner did help the grieving mother (Alice Landings) by asking her if it was OK if he ate the Candy Cane.
As the police started investigating each Starbucks employee, they heard a clatter and raised their guns to see what was the matter.
“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen” called the Police Chief, who ordered them to investigate where the clatter came from.
They didn’t find the culprit that created the clatter but instead they found an employee corkboard that has 3 female staff members pictures on it marked as “Ho, Ho, Ho”.
The police were at another dead end and they knew who the culprit was but have been unable to catch him for years.
He only comes out of hiding during this time of the year to prey on atheists and his name rhymes with “Commercialism”, said Deputy Ron Clayton.
“He’s a white guy that climbs up and down people’s chimneys, to me, he’s a pervert and an atheist killer” said Police Chief Don Onstayer.
The police told Alice Landings that the only way they could catch her son’s killer is if she started to believe in Santa Claus.
And on that night, Alice Landings regained her Christmas spirit.
The Altoona KKK Team and the Bedford KKK Team were set to square off in a friendly game of football this past Saturday when an issue came up. “We can’t both wear white sheets, how will we know which team is which?” said Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid of the Bedford KKK branch.
Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid has been with the menial KKK group since he was a kid, he enjoys blind hatred and he doesn’t have any wizardry powers. “If I did have wizardry powers, there’d be no race wars” said Tim Stolid.
When informed about how his comment could be interpreted as peace between the races, Tim Stolid retracted his statement and said, “There’d be no race wars, if I did have wizardry powers”.
However, the issue of what to do about how they will recognize whose who on each side of the football game still persisted.
That’s when John Puerile of the Altoona KKK branch decided they should have away and home team colors. The home team would be white and the away team’s colors would be black.
This is where things fell apart, everyone became in such a ruckus that anyone would ever suggest wearing black.
“It’s completely offensive to what our beliefs are” said Bob Inane of the Altoona KKK branch.
To which we asked, “What beliefs?”.
Bob Inane said he’d have to go and ask his Grand Master Wizard what they were.
Steve Doltish of the Bedford KKK branch said, “I don’t even drink chocolate milk because it comes from a biracial cow”.
As the minutes ticked by, one person suggested they use the old method of white sheets vs skins but then someone reminded them that they’d look like sweaty Mexicans and that approach was canned.
Ideas went rapid for a good while with how to address this issue and that’s when someone pointed out that the football is brown colored. You could hear a burnt cross drop to the ground with how quiet everyone got.
“It was like that time someone asked me if I dreamed and I said “Yeah” and they told me that I now have something in common with Martin Luther King, Jr, then they told me that my poop was brown…..that last one rattled my brain for weeks but now this issue of the football being brown colored….how do we solve this issue?” said Devin Dim of the Altoona KKK branch.
At that moment, Andrew Obtuse of the Bedford KKK branch picked up the football and said, “It’s only a football”. That’s when the entire Altoona KKK branch shouted, “Race Traitor!!!!” and charged at the entire Bedford KKK branch.
Fists were flying, bones were breaking and egos were bruised as mother nature started to pour rain atop everyone, causing the ground to get muddy and wet. As the fight continued in the pouring rain, every member of the KKK branches were covered in mud. That’s when one of the Bedford KKK members noticed they all looked black. The fight immediately stopped and tears of sadness overcame everyone.
“I could never have fathomed in a million years that blackness was under our feet this whole time, how could Jesus do this to us”, cried Tobey Rash of the Altoona KKK branch.
That’s when Andrew Obtuse realized that Jesus was a Jew and that explained everything. Both sides cried out in pain and felt foolish for not seeing what’s been in front of them this whole time.
Minutes later, both KKK branches went home but not in their cars because the tires were black and not in their shoes because the soles were black but on their feet.
One can only hope that they’d be lost to time on that journey back because that’s where their ideals belong.
Kim Davis was sent to jail for 5 days but why she really went there is the real shocker.
Ever since Gay Marriage was passed in August of 2015, Kim Davis has been curious about another nail polished hand brushing against her bearded clam or even having her pastrami flaps licked clean.
“I wondered what all the hub bub was about with same sex relationships, like do I bring the adapter or does she? Or who goes out on a run for batteries when the adapter dies?”, said Kim Davis.
However, as a hardcore Christian, she didn’t want to penetrate through God’s will of what the institution of marriage is supposed to be about but thought that God does forgive and it would be a funny highlight reel moment when she goes to heaven as God and her discuss that random night of promiscuity.
So with that being said, Kim Davis set up a secret account on AshleyMadison.com under the alias “Scissor Sisters Unite”. However, no one replied back to her requests for a one night “Muff Dive” session.
“Then it hit me in the poody tat as I was watching a documentary about prison sex. I thought, that’s the way to go”, said Kim Davis. There was one problem though, Kim Davis didn’t know exactly what crime she would commit in order to go to jail. Lots of ideas entered her head like, “Collecting rain water during a drought”, “Overdue library books”, or “Changing a mannequin’s clothes at a retail store”.
Instead, Kim Davis went with the old classic, “help destroy another person’s life that has no affect on your life or the way you lead it but you feel it does because you get the creeps about the topic that you don’t understand but act as if you do and thus the only option is to rally other Christian supporters with feeble minds to hate another group of individuals based on the simple basis that pee pee’s and wookies should never touch anyone of the same gender”…in other words, stop accepting gay marriage licenses.
This is exactly what Kim Davis did the next day at work until she was thrown in jail for defying a U.S. Federal Court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
“As I was being hauled off to jail, my twatlantic ocean started buzzing with excitement as I got closer to the female ward section”, said Kim Davis.
Immediately as she got there, Kim Davis started sending out vibes that her beef curtains were looking for a pounding. Unfortunately, as the days went by, Kim Davis watched all the women have sex with each other and no one had sex with her.
“I felt depressed as if I was singled out as a close minded Christian”, said Kim Davis. Kim Davis even went as far as to getting completely naked, putting bars of soap up her republic of labia and shooting them out one by one as they skipped across the shower floors. “This did nothing for the ladies and it caused me to have a urinary tract infection”, said Kim Davis.
Only a few days later, she was notified by her legal council that September 9th was going to be her last day in jail. Kim Davis felt deeply saddened because she never got that lesbian experience she was looking for and when she felt like her finger warmer was backed up against a wall of self-defeat, Kim Davis got the biggest surprise ever.
“I was reading the bible when I was shanked repeatedly by a crucifix in the stink rink by another female inmate”, said Kim Davis. It was during this moment that Kim Davis felt a rush of orgasmic waves like no other, even to the point where she queefed. “I thanked the female inmate as the guards threw her to the ground”, said Kim Davis.
Upon having this moment, Kim Davis was ready to leave jail and secure her spot forever in the public eye as a woman whose mind is as bright as a darkened room with neon arrows leading towards a sign saying “Doesn’t Affect Your Life, Just Do Your Job You Twat”. But then she see’s a neon “X” mark flashing over a sign saying “Bigotry This Way”. And unlike Robert Frost, she didn’t choose “The Road Less Traveled”.
In this section, we will teach you how to talk like a rich elitist when eating out at fancy restaurants like “Eat’N Park” or “Denny’s” with your friends.
In fact, they’ll be so impressed with your rich elitist sentences, they’ll think, wow, he talks like an out of touch American.
We won’t go too overboard though, we don’t want to give your friends the impression that you can only exclusively eat at fancy big name restaurants like “Olive Garden”.
So for this lesson, let’s start off with some basic rich elitist sentences and I’ll break them down for you one by one.
Rich Elitist Sentence 1
“Nancy, did you know I’m going to impregnate my gondola tomorrow?”
Translation: “Nancy, did you know I’m going to submerge my boat tomorrow?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 2
I don’t know about you but I’m poised to rip into this delectable repast
Translation: “I don’t know about you but I’m going to rip into this delicious meal”
Rich Elitist Sentence 3
“Fred, did I tell you that my manservant lassoed his yoke in the vim put-put that I keep outside by the lagoon?”
Translation: “Fred, did I tell you that my butler caught his zipper in the steam engine that I keep outside by the pool?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 4
“Fledgling buck, can I get the poltroon lambaste aboriginal American with a dash of alloy on the skirting?”
Translation: “Young boy, can I get the chicken roasted Indian with a dash of soup on the side?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 5
“Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman gesticulated that he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a titmouse startled him and he pricked a digit?”
Translation: “Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman made gestures while he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a bird startled him and he pricked his finger?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 6
“Andrew got scared by a croaker frisking across my navel”
Translation: “Andrew got scared by a frog leaping across my navel”
Rich Elitist Sentence 7
“A peacock dribbled pungent onto my udder”
Translation: “A peacock spit acid onto my nipple”
Rich Elitist Sentence 8
“Did you fathom that windjammer paraded his pussy in a nursery down on main street?
Translation: “Did you know that a sailor showed his cat in a garden down on main street?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 9
“I construe that a mouthpiece furnished a serpent by a hatchback with a note that construed, “My impecunious stool pigeon bugbear your bowels”
Translation: “I read that a lawyer hung a snake by a car with a note that read, “My poor rat hates your guts”.
Rich Elitist Sentence 10
“That is very humdinger, would you imbibe on my coccyx later tonight?”
Translation: “That is very funny, would you suck on my tailbone later tonight?”
There you have it. Now start memorizing these rich elitist sentences and start impressing your friends to the point that you can easily herd the crowd of true friends who still want to be around you.
This is the same question that Donald Trump’s cleaning maid Eleanor Houschiwtz continually asks herself. Eleanor said that on multiple occasions she has overheard Donald Trump talking to someone in the bathroom. Donald Trump even made aloud comments like “No, I can’t say that”, “What are you doing to my image” and “Frosted Flakes taste grrrrrrrreat” but when Eleanor Houschiwtz entered the bathroom, only Donald Trump was in there.
As she apologized for barging in on him, she turned to close the door and said she heard a snicker but this was no ordinary snicker. Eleanor said it sounded like a snicker only a hairpiece could make. Eleanor quickly turned around and swears she saw Donald Trump’s hair scurry back and forth. Upon hearing her testimony, we decided not to comb over this unique information and get to the roots of the truth.
Our investigation has led us to believe that Donald Trump’s hair is indeed a hairpiece but not just any ordinary hairpiece. This hairpiece came from a mystical voodoo priest in the far outreaches of the Amazon. The voodoo priest got it from a Shaman that passed away. It is believed that this particular hairpiece was cursed centuries ago by a vagrant farmer in northern Europe, and it attaches itself to the scalp forever embedding itself in to the roots of your remaining hair follicles until the day you die.
The hairpiece is known to cause the new owner to say homosexual, sexist, racist, misogynistic and douche bag things. Even creating grand illusions of what they can accomplish or who they think they are. At times, it can even belittle people, demean them, make you like too much money, have a reality show known for a stupid catchphrase or question the birth certificate of a black president. The cursed hairpiece even forces each owner to create a board game that no one will ever play for reasons unknown.
This information is astonishing and completely eye opening but it does answer so many questions as to why one man would act a certain way. Most of us believed that it was in Donald Trump’s human nature to treat people the way that he has but the real truth is that underneath that hairpiece is a sad man crying out who only got himself into this mess because of a receding hairline and a onetime bad decision. I think we’ve all been there but not all of us are in the scrutiny of the public eye.
Just imagine being forced to say and do the things you do by a cursed hairpiece and then go home and watch yourself on TV. It would be heartbreaking and disheartening knowing you have go out and see family, co-workers and friends with what you just said or did.
If there’s one thing we can learn from the misfortunes of Donald Trump is that we should be happy with who we are and to never buy a hairpiece that comes with a warning label.
Here we are in 2015 and these laws still exist. Some of them may sound crazy but they are real laws. Have fun reading these.
1. Police are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog (Ohio).....I wonder why this is never used as often as it should be?
2.Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama).....this sounds dangerous but exciting at the same time.
3. Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue (Pennsylvania).....I can't tell you how many times I've done this.
4. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington)......a full proof plan to catch criminals off guard, I hope it works out for them.
5. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling (Pennsylvania).....this had to have been made up by a man, anyone else think so?
6. It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church (Alabama).....oh boy, what a trouble maker you are, I bet you're going to hell.
7. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Virginia).....I bet this was a law by auto insurances as a way to lower the rates if you add your wife to the policy.
8. It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel (Pennsylvania).....I'd be more worried about the cycles syncing up and this house being one big giant estrogen storm.
9. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington).....I bet this law gets broken all the time.
10. It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.(Texas).....don't you touch my mother and stop calling her a cow.
11. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed (Texas)....another full proof plan to stop crime.
12. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time (Alabama).....is that an ice cream cone in your back pocket or are you just gay?
13. It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine (Arizona)......sooo, real cocaine is OK?
14. A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month (Arkansas).....this sounds more like a Pennsylvania law.
15. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool (California).....this just makes so much sense.
16. Throwing missiles at cars is illegal (Colorado).....yes, because that's exactly how they work.
17. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday (Conneticut).....more of a reason you need to have that love cushion on the side.
18. It is considered an offense to shower naked (Florida).....is there any other way?
19. One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth (Illinois)……this obviously happened so often that it had to be turned into a law which is disturbing.
20. Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds (Idaho)…..it’s a law only to save the lives of many men from being a victim of “I’m overweight because of all that chocolate” abuse.
21. The value of Pi is 3 (Indiana)…..isn’t it 3.14? No, not here, it’s just “3”.
22. The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire (Iowa)…..Gee, we’re sorry your house burnt down mister but we had to practice before coming, it’s the law and all.
23. Dogs may not molest cars (Kentucy)…..good luck enforcing this one, ugghh, it’s Kentucky for crying out loud.
24. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol (Louisiana)…..if robbing a bank wasn't enough, now you're going and getting someone all wet. They should rot in prison for that last piece.
25. It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies (Maryland)….people have obviously tried this for why it’s a law, which makes it even more scarier.
26. It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house (Michigan)….Your honor, I was trying to steal the flatscreen TV but there carpet had a raised indent and I fell with the TV landing on my leg, breaking it. I was forced to eat their food and wait for an ambulance to come to someone else’s house like a caged animal.
27. Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely (Missourri)…..this seems backwards?
28. Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated (Montana)…..umm, how can you tell if a squirrel is worried?
29. Persons with gonorrhea may not marry (Nebraska)…..ohh come on, that’s an easy cop out.
30. It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs (West Virginia)…..honestly, this makes sense with the state this law is from.
31. Birds have the right of way on all highways (Utah)…..I can see this getting confusing.
32. If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them (South Dakota)......don't worry about this one, we took their land and reserved a space for them on it, they shouldn't be bothering you anytime soon.
33. A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine (South Carolina)…..yeah, cause you know, that’s only an adult thing to do.
34. Idiots may not vote (New Mexico)……uhh, like the person that came up with this law?
There you have it. Some of the dumbest laws that are still enacted in the United States. Go out and have fun committing some of these.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.