Vatican – Pope Francis has received word today that Jesus is set to come back to earth but not by a shinning bright light coming out of the open sky. Instead, he will be floating down to earth on a cloud of kittens. Apparently, this is due to the fact that no one will listen or care about you unless you have a kitten in your hand.
“I’m the son of God, you’d think that’d be enough for my children but no….they just want to see cute little kittens….those kittens didn’t sacrifice their life for your forgiveness…I did but you do have free will, so whatever” quoted Pope Francis of his conversation with Jesus.
If this is indeed true, then Jesus will finally break his Guinness World Record streak of “Procrastination” for when someone say’s their coming back.
“If Jesus is really coming back, then the last supper wasn’t the last supper, it was just that one awkward Thanksgiving” said one person in the street.
Atheists are still holding their doubt but a recent poll shows that most of them will convert if confronted by Jesus. “I have a hunch that none of this is real and it’s backed up by no scientific proof and is based merely on faith, just like religion” said Brendan Myers a proud atheist working at the lumber mill.
Even Satanist worshippers have chimed in on social media with their reactions.
“Wal-Mart will remain open and in fact are having “2nd Coming” discounted sales from now until Jesus’ arrival”, said Carl Douglas McMillon (Wal-Mart CEO).
In related news, a study conducted by Harvard shows that most of society has not read the Bible but Cliff Notes sales for the Bible have increased dramatically. If you’re one of many who have not read the Bible, get your Cliff Notes Bible copy today.
Are you down in the slumps? Does your faith need to be stronger? Or are you just looking for something to do on your lunch break?
The Bible has it all and is a great talking piece to anyone of any religion at any age.
Now we all know these classic Bible quotes
Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Corinthians 13:4 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepard.
But here are some lesser known Bible verses that can motivate you just as well
1. Ezekiel 23:20: She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
(Wow, where was this woman during my teen years & by chance, maybe she just likes bestiality?)
2. Exodus 23:19 – Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother’s milk.
(This just makes so much sense; wonder if that tidbit is in a Paula Deen cookbook?)
3. Leviticus 25:44 – You may purchase slaves among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase their children. You may treat them as your property.
(Another example of white people taking things too literally, I think we all know what I’m talking about here….pet owning. Not all animals should be in a zoo or in your house.)
4. Ezekiel 4:15 – “very well” God said, “I will let you bake your bread over cow dung instead of human excrement”.
(Subway – Eat Fresh)
5. Deuteronomy 22:28-29 – If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
(This sounds like reverse dating and just pure punishment for the guy to be with one woman the rest of his life….monogamy at its worst.)
6. Leviticus 15:19-20 – When woman has discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening.
(This reads like pure witchcraft voodoo to me, no wonder why the Salem Witch trials happened, just disgusting, put a cork in it ladies.)
7. Psalm 137:9 – Happy is the man who takes and dashes your infants against the rock.
(That happy guy is called a murderer, I’m sure this was just a simple case of someone not using Microsoft spell checker back in 200 B.C.)
8. Peter 3:7 – Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and with respect, treat them as the weaker partner.
(I can guarantee you that this always works in a marriage and the woman lives a long life happier for it.)
9. Deuteronomy 23:1 - No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
(But what about a testy tuck?)
10. Genesis 15:9 - The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”
(I guess the Lord was trying to create a rock band or the worst variety act you’ve ever seen on Noah’s boat.)
There you have it, the unknown bible quotes from the bible that you should start preaching to everyone who throws bible verses at you.
It will start with a good conversation and end in the Middle East.
Human beings are so afraid of death and on some level were selfish pricks about it. For example, have you ever seen a funeral procession drive by and think....thank god it’s no one I know?
Another way we’re selfish pricks about death is that we like to keep loved ones on life support for weeks. Why? Because they had so much more time.....he’s 96, what great thing could he have missed out on besides 2 girls one cup.
The only people not afraid of death are mass suicide people. They meet their maker in an 8oz glass of kool-aid.
You know, I’ve always wondered what it would take to get a group of people to commit suicide together? Did they get rid of casual Fridays at work or are they just all married men and this was the only way out?
Also, has there ever been a person who has had second thoughts as everyone’s drinking from the cup at the same time? Like the person just tips the cup back to make it appear as if he’s drinking it and everyone around him dies and later he tells the police for why he’s the only survivor, “we agreed to a count system, no one counted down, I said Ezekiel are we counting down and he said yes, they all mentally counted, I don’t do mental count downs, I only do out loud count downs”.
I will say that if you wanna ruin the day for a farmer, a mass load of people dead in his corn fields is one way to do it.
But back to death, another reason people are afraid of death is because they want to accomplish their dreams. Saddam and Bin Laden didn’t get theirs, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
I've even heard people say stupid reasons for why they don’t want to die over the years like “I better not die before my yoga class, my back really needs it”….trust me, you’re back will feel better than ever once you die.
But death is something we don't like to talk about in society and it was hard for me grasp onto when I was younger.
My first dose of death was when my grandfather passed away and even before he died, I always thought he was dead because he couldn’t hear, couldn’t taste, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t walk and just slept....pretty much text book for the word “Dead”.
When he did die, I was so young, I didn’t understand, you don’t get it when everyone’s telling you a loved one has moved onto a better place and then you see this place. It’s not so great. People can only visit you one at a time, there’s no room for them to move around in and the drapes on the closing wall is horrendous. I remember thinking, grandpa even looked pale, so I rubbed instant tanning lotion on him....he ended up looking like a dead carrot instead.
When you see dead people at funeral’s, their always mildly smiling as if to say “Eh, thing’s could be better”. Smiling let’s you know everything’s alright, if that’s the case, then give me a jackolantern smile when I die....it’ll probably freak everyone out but at least you’ll know I’m alright.
Hell, why should we stop at humans, let’s get road kill while we’re at it, "look dad a chipmunk", "oh, he’s alright, look, he’s smiling".
The funny thing is that African tribes don’t put a smile on their dead, they just lay them down on a pile of sticks and burn it. Now that’s more eco friendly, burn the dead and you save forest land, then you don’t have to waste a wooden box that could have been used for the next Stephen King novel.
Besides the actual circumstance of death, the only other creepy factor is the funeral parlor, man are they just creepy. Actually, someone once told me that funeral parlor’s would be less creepy if dead people weren’t there.....yeah, it’d be called a house.
And what’s with funeral music. Funeral music is the worst kind of music ever. If someone didn't know what funeral music was, just tell them to take all the heartaches and lowest points of their life and smash them down into an MP3....you have funeral music.
They do say that music can affect your mood so it’d be weird if someone had funeral music on their IPod while driving.....this is a nice song and now I’ve suddenly have the urge to wonder how much carbon monoxide my car puts out…oh look, a garage.
I think it’d be even weirder if someone used funeral music as a pump up for working out....."what you listening to?"....."that new rap artist “flippyflopz”, you?"....."stevens and sons mortuary".
I’d really lose it if a funeral song became a hot 100 hit…I know you’re dying for it, here’s stevens and sons mortuary hit “Identify me, embalm me, see you in heaven”, with special vocals from god.
I do wish there was some sort of smell that would let you know whether or not a loved one went to heaven or hell...."(sniff) you smell that"..."yeah, grandpa smells crispy, we know where he went".
Honestly, we already pre-concieve everyones going to hell by lowering their body into the ground or else we’d shoot their lifeless corpse into space to be with the heavens.
Of course, this is all if you believe unless you’re an.....”atheist"...."Ughh, just put a twig over my dead body and a flower will grow”....cheer up, my god, I swear they started the emo movement.....stop being depressed, take your Zoloft and pray to your plants.....if you’re so sure there’s nothing beyond this realm, then live our your life....."what’s wrong?"....."I’m atheist"...."so you have proof god doesn’t exist?"...."no.....it’s just a hunch".
Regardless, whether you believe or not, I hope I accomplish great things before I die. I don’t want my life story to read, "he worked at adult world for 11 years....he was the best battery to accessory salesman".
The point of all this is......don't take drugs while sleep deprived and watch a documentary about the death, dying and the after life.
Some people out there think being in a gang is a tough macho thing and there's no other option to live your life.....you couldn't be more wrong (Where's Waldo Quote).
Instead of causing real violence and hatred and forever perpetuating this nonsense, pick up a modern role-playing game and start turf wars on there.
It's safer and you don't have to go to jail and sit beside a guy named "bubba" who eyes you up each time you drop your pants to make a rocky mountain mud slide.
Don't think there's a common denominator between role-playing and real life gangs?
To prove you wrong, let me break some stuff down for you.
Did you know there are a lot of similarities between Bloods & Crips and World of Warcraft?
Crips colors are blue, Bloods are red
In World of Warcraft….Alliance is blue, Hordes are red.
In World of Warcraft, the Alliance and Horde are killing each other to be the king of online role-playing.
Crips & Bloods are killing each other to see whose king of a block.
Crips & Bloods are always claiming their from the CPT.
World of Warcraft players are always claiming their from an ISP.
In World of Warcraft, don’t get caught in the wrong territory or else there’s consequences to pay.
In Bloods & Crips, don’t get caught in the wrong territory or else....do I even need to finish that sentence?
World of Warcraft has dealers that can get you what you want.
Bloods & Crips also have dealers that can get you what you want, the only difference here is, there's no "X" button to hit to make a purchase.
In World of Warcraft, people will talk about your epic exploits around campfire tales and will fear you.
In Bloods & Crips, people will talk about you chopping a body up and will not want to go near you.
The creation of Bloods & Crips was partly due to the killings of MLK and Malcom X by the hands of white people.
World of Warcraft is created by.....mostly white people.
In the end, gangs are nothing more than realistic role playing games.
So if you wanna be a gangster, pick up "Grand Theft Auto" and trash talk an 8 year old boy who knows how to run a gang more effectively than you do.
Speaking of religion, the other day I was so bored that I looked up stuff about the church of Satan and the satanic bible and came to a conclusion. The satanic bible is not at all what anyone would expect considering the title. Wikipedia had a brief description of all the chapters in the bible and they are all about loving, respecting, and honoring each other for our differences no matter what and trying to get along with everyone in society. So let me ask you, would you have guessed something like that would have come from the "Satanic Bible"? This just makes me want to attend a mass for the church of Satan out of curiosity now. I bet this is how it will go......
The highest priest will do whatever he does and preach whatever he preaches along with us saying "Hail Satan" during certain sections that we should insert that line. We would all go up and drink kool-aid representing the blood of the fallen one but are told these are his tears because he cried so hard when god threw him out for making some minor suggestions. We would then sing songs with titles such as "Satan's Got Your Back Especially When Your Down On Life", "Satan Always The Trickster", and the most popular hit "Satan Why You Always Creeping Around In The Dark".
The priest would then bless us with his magical wand filled with spit all while I couldn't help notice they have Jesus on the cross upside down. I guess someone didn't tell him he put it up wrong, if only he had one of those laser pointers to put it up correctly that you can buy at Sears.
Anyways, after all that we would gather around and talk about the last episode of Grey's Anatomy as we would eat food provided by the “He smiles, he grins, satans not such a bad guy” youth foundation. I wonder where they found those lost souls.
After a while I noticed everyone keeps checking their watches. Eventually, when the moon is just right and the cows moan while pissing to the left, we know it’s a sign to proceed to go underground into a room lit with dominoes shaped into a pentagram and he says to me with inspiring words “Don’t bump them”. We gather around as a copy of Idiots guide to Satan worshiping is passed out. We then chant (Vanilla Ice's: Ice Ice Baby) as we play duck duck goose. Then whoever is the goose must get into the middle of the domino shaped pentagram and pray to the poster of David Hasselhoff. After that is done, then we all head out to the Cold Stone Creamery to get some ice cream.
You see the, Church of Satan is a fun loving culture that means no harm to anyone. Its tabooed by demons and goblins and the fiery pits of hell. When it comes down to it, all they want to do is just love one another and get ice cream.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.