I wrote this sketch as part of my submission packet for this season. The premise is simple, Donald Trump is a puppet as his possessed evil hair is the one whose controlling him.
Iowa – Congress, NASA, NATO and other high ranking individuals around the world got together yesterday and have deemed that the moon is offensive. Demolition of the moon is scheduled to happen sometime this summer. This comes from a response from sensitive college students with ongoing acme issues that have been called “Crater Face”. They felt that if the moon would go away, no one would be able to use the craters of the moon to describe their embarrassing acme issues.
Many have questioned as to why the biggest leaders of the world would agree to the demolition of the moon.
“We were just trying to save face” said one Attorney General.
“Listen, these kids today go through so much stuff like failed selfies to constantly being bombarded by cute kitten videos to having people just give them what they want all the time….they just need a safe space because words can hurt. God forbid they ever read a dictionary, they would just crumble if they knew what kinds of words were in there” said Vladimir Puttin.
However, the people that will be most affected by the demolition of the moon are werewolves.
“If you take away the moon, you take away my identity, I thought political correctness was against taking away others identities through harm to others?” said Don Lyken (assumed werewolf).
In response to this, one of the sensitive college students made a comment.
“What? Theirs werewolves?” said Lauren Colley (super sensitive student).
No more will werewolves be able to transform from human to wolf nor will they be able to howl at the moon. Instead, they will stay in human form and pretend to howl out at moon pictures online like a rabid dog of their former selves.
The only other dire consequences from demolishing the moon is that the churning of the oceans and circulation of nutrients ceases, water based life struggle to survive and millions of species go extinct. Earth will change rotation and wobble causing our seasons to go into turmoil and the earth will now swing around the sun in a wild, unstable and fluctuating orbit.
“But at least everyone will be safer now” said Jake McCuthery (extremely sensitive student).
Please share this story with any of your sensitive politically correct friends or family.
Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Each year, thousands of American citizens go to war against each other to get materialistic things they don’t need, right after they are thankful for everything they already have only hours earlier on thanksgiving. That day is called Black Friday.
Black Friday is a day of simple rules; you wait in line, get the amazing sale and return home a warrior to your family.
However, on this day last year, those rules were challenged by a Native American man who felt wronged by the system.
“I put up my teepee, camped out and waited for mother Best Buy to open. I made friends with a white man and I showed him how to reboot his phone so he could show his other white friends how to do the same. Then morning came and the white man invaded my space by leaping in front of my spot in line” said Alawa Paqua.
Alawa Paqua felt shamed because he knows all too well about the white man’s past with his people. “They always seem nice at first but then they cut in line year after year. How am I supposed to go back to my family and tell them I let a white man take the 5th spot for a free 55 Inch Samsung LED TV”.
Tired of being wronged by the white man, Alawa Paqua decided to cut in line to the rightful spot of land that he deserved. That’s when all the other people in line started to get rowdy.
“They have a reserved spot for people like him and it’s now in the back of the line” said one patron waiting outside.
“I’m from out of the country” said one black man as he witnessed the incident taking place.
Alawa Paqua knew he was out numbered and needed to call in reinforcements. An hour later, a clan of Native Americans with war paint on drove up and cut right up to the front of the line.
“History has taught us that our people were here before you and that’s why we need to get a great deal on electronic devices” said Goga Mawalu. However, the white customers in this line felt otherwise and devised an atrocious act for when Best Buy would open.
Much like the white man did to the buffalo, they did to the flat screen TV’s on this day. “They massacred all of them for no other reason than to not allow me to watch a Redskins football game on a 55 inch LED TV” said Alawa Paqua.
One Native American turned his head and a lone tear came out as he held a doorbusters coupon book in his hand.
So for this Black Friday, if you see a Native American in line, give him your spot, it’s the least you could do as reparations for their people.
Kim Davis was sent to jail for 5 days but why she really went there is the real shocker.
Ever since Gay Marriage was passed in August of 2015, Kim Davis has been curious about another nail polished hand brushing against her bearded clam or even having her pastrami flaps licked clean.
“I wondered what all the hub bub was about with same sex relationships, like do I bring the adapter or does she? Or who goes out on a run for batteries when the adapter dies?”, said Kim Davis.
However, as a hardcore Christian, she didn’t want to penetrate through God’s will of what the institution of marriage is supposed to be about but thought that God does forgive and it would be a funny highlight reel moment when she goes to heaven as God and her discuss that random night of promiscuity.
So with that being said, Kim Davis set up a secret account on AshleyMadison.com under the alias “Scissor Sisters Unite”. However, no one replied back to her requests for a one night “Muff Dive” session.
“Then it hit me in the poody tat as I was watching a documentary about prison sex. I thought, that’s the way to go”, said Kim Davis. There was one problem though, Kim Davis didn’t know exactly what crime she would commit in order to go to jail. Lots of ideas entered her head like, “Collecting rain water during a drought”, “Overdue library books”, or “Changing a mannequin’s clothes at a retail store”.
Instead, Kim Davis went with the old classic, “help destroy another person’s life that has no affect on your life or the way you lead it but you feel it does because you get the creeps about the topic that you don’t understand but act as if you do and thus the only option is to rally other Christian supporters with feeble minds to hate another group of individuals based on the simple basis that pee pee’s and wookies should never touch anyone of the same gender”…in other words, stop accepting gay marriage licenses.
This is exactly what Kim Davis did the next day at work until she was thrown in jail for defying a U.S. Federal Court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
“As I was being hauled off to jail, my twatlantic ocean started buzzing with excitement as I got closer to the female ward section”, said Kim Davis.
Immediately as she got there, Kim Davis started sending out vibes that her beef curtains were looking for a pounding. Unfortunately, as the days went by, Kim Davis watched all the women have sex with each other and no one had sex with her.
“I felt depressed as if I was singled out as a close minded Christian”, said Kim Davis. Kim Davis even went as far as to getting completely naked, putting bars of soap up her republic of labia and shooting them out one by one as they skipped across the shower floors. “This did nothing for the ladies and it caused me to have a urinary tract infection”, said Kim Davis.
Only a few days later, she was notified by her legal council that September 9th was going to be her last day in jail. Kim Davis felt deeply saddened because she never got that lesbian experience she was looking for and when she felt like her finger warmer was backed up against a wall of self-defeat, Kim Davis got the biggest surprise ever.
“I was reading the bible when I was shanked repeatedly by a crucifix in the stink rink by another female inmate”, said Kim Davis. It was during this moment that Kim Davis felt a rush of orgasmic waves like no other, even to the point where she queefed. “I thanked the female inmate as the guards threw her to the ground”, said Kim Davis.
Upon having this moment, Kim Davis was ready to leave jail and secure her spot forever in the public eye as a woman whose mind is as bright as a darkened room with neon arrows leading towards a sign saying “Doesn’t Affect Your Life, Just Do Your Job You Twat”. But then she see’s a neon “X” mark flashing over a sign saying “Bigotry This Way”. And unlike Robert Frost, she didn’t choose “The Road Less Traveled”.
In this section, we will teach you how to talk like a rich elitist when eating out at fancy restaurants like “Eat’N Park” or “Denny’s” with your friends.
In fact, they’ll be so impressed with your rich elitist sentences, they’ll think, wow, he talks like an out of touch American.
We won’t go too overboard though, we don’t want to give your friends the impression that you can only exclusively eat at fancy big name restaurants like “Olive Garden”.
So for this lesson, let’s start off with some basic rich elitist sentences and I’ll break them down for you one by one.
Rich Elitist Sentence 1
“Nancy, did you know I’m going to impregnate my gondola tomorrow?”
Translation: “Nancy, did you know I’m going to submerge my boat tomorrow?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 2
I don’t know about you but I’m poised to rip into this delectable repast
Translation: “I don’t know about you but I’m going to rip into this delicious meal”
Rich Elitist Sentence 3
“Fred, did I tell you that my manservant lassoed his yoke in the vim put-put that I keep outside by the lagoon?”
Translation: “Fred, did I tell you that my butler caught his zipper in the steam engine that I keep outside by the pool?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 4
“Fledgling buck, can I get the poltroon lambaste aboriginal American with a dash of alloy on the skirting?”
Translation: “Young boy, can I get the chicken roasted Indian with a dash of soup on the side?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 5
“Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman gesticulated that he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a titmouse startled him and he pricked a digit?”
Translation: “Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman made gestures while he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a bird startled him and he pricked his finger?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 6
“Andrew got scared by a croaker frisking across my navel”
Translation: “Andrew got scared by a frog leaping across my navel”
Rich Elitist Sentence 7
“A peacock dribbled pungent onto my udder”
Translation: “A peacock spit acid onto my nipple”
Rich Elitist Sentence 8
“Did you fathom that windjammer paraded his pussy in a nursery down on main street?
Translation: “Did you know that a sailor showed his cat in a garden down on main street?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 9
“I construe that a mouthpiece furnished a serpent by a hatchback with a note that construed, “My impecunious stool pigeon bugbear your bowels”
Translation: “I read that a lawyer hung a snake by a car with a note that read, “My poor rat hates your guts”.
Rich Elitist Sentence 10
“That is very humdinger, would you imbibe on my coccyx later tonight?”
Translation: “That is very funny, would you suck on my tailbone later tonight?”
There you have it. Now start memorizing these rich elitist sentences and start impressing your friends to the point that you can easily herd the crowd of true friends who still want to be around you.
This is the same question that Donald Trump’s cleaning maid Eleanor Houschiwtz continually asks herself. Eleanor said that on multiple occasions she has overheard Donald Trump talking to someone in the bathroom. Donald Trump even made aloud comments like “No, I can’t say that”, “What are you doing to my image” and “Frosted Flakes taste grrrrrrrreat” but when Eleanor Houschiwtz entered the bathroom, only Donald Trump was in there.
As she apologized for barging in on him, she turned to close the door and said she heard a snicker but this was no ordinary snicker. Eleanor said it sounded like a snicker only a hairpiece could make. Eleanor quickly turned around and swears she saw Donald Trump’s hair scurry back and forth. Upon hearing her testimony, we decided not to comb over this unique information and get to the roots of the truth.
Our investigation has led us to believe that Donald Trump’s hair is indeed a hairpiece but not just any ordinary hairpiece. This hairpiece came from a mystical voodoo priest in the far outreaches of the Amazon. The voodoo priest got it from a Shaman that passed away. It is believed that this particular hairpiece was cursed centuries ago by a vagrant farmer in northern Europe, and it attaches itself to the scalp forever embedding itself in to the roots of your remaining hair follicles until the day you die.
The hairpiece is known to cause the new owner to say homosexual, sexist, racist, misogynistic and douche bag things. Even creating grand illusions of what they can accomplish or who they think they are. At times, it can even belittle people, demean them, make you like too much money, have a reality show known for a stupid catchphrase or question the birth certificate of a black president. The cursed hairpiece even forces each owner to create a board game that no one will ever play for reasons unknown.
This information is astonishing and completely eye opening but it does answer so many questions as to why one man would act a certain way. Most of us believed that it was in Donald Trump’s human nature to treat people the way that he has but the real truth is that underneath that hairpiece is a sad man crying out who only got himself into this mess because of a receding hairline and a onetime bad decision. I think we’ve all been there but not all of us are in the scrutiny of the public eye.
Just imagine being forced to say and do the things you do by a cursed hairpiece and then go home and watch yourself on TV. It would be heartbreaking and disheartening knowing you have go out and see family, co-workers and friends with what you just said or did.
If there’s one thing we can learn from the misfortunes of Donald Trump is that we should be happy with who we are and to never buy a hairpiece that comes with a warning label.
Are you down in the slumps? Does your faith need to be stronger? Or are you just looking for something to do on your lunch break?
The Bible has it all and is a great talking piece to anyone of any religion at any age.
Now we all know these classic Bible quotes
Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Corinthians 13:4 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepard.
But here are some lesser known Bible verses that can motivate you just as well
1. Ezekiel 23:20: She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
(Wow, where was this woman during my teen years & by chance, maybe she just likes bestiality?)
2. Exodus 23:19 – Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother’s milk.
(This just makes so much sense; wonder if that tidbit is in a Paula Deen cookbook?)
3. Leviticus 25:44 – You may purchase slaves among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase their children. You may treat them as your property.
(Another example of white people taking things too literally, I think we all know what I’m talking about here….pet owning. Not all animals should be in a zoo or in your house.)
4. Ezekiel 4:15 – “very well” God said, “I will let you bake your bread over cow dung instead of human excrement”.
(Subway – Eat Fresh)
5. Deuteronomy 22:28-29 – If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
(This sounds like reverse dating and just pure punishment for the guy to be with one woman the rest of his life….monogamy at its worst.)
6. Leviticus 15:19-20 – When woman has discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening.
(This reads like pure witchcraft voodoo to me, no wonder why the Salem Witch trials happened, just disgusting, put a cork in it ladies.)
7. Psalm 137:9 – Happy is the man who takes and dashes your infants against the rock.
(That happy guy is called a murderer, I’m sure this was just a simple case of someone not using Microsoft spell checker back in 200 B.C.)
8. Peter 3:7 – Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and with respect, treat them as the weaker partner.
(I can guarantee you that this always works in a marriage and the woman lives a long life happier for it.)
9. Deuteronomy 23:1 - No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
(But what about a testy tuck?)
10. Genesis 15:9 - The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”
(I guess the Lord was trying to create a rock band or the worst variety act you’ve ever seen on Noah’s boat.)
There you have it, the unknown bible quotes from the bible that you should start preaching to everyone who throws bible verses at you.
It will start with a good conversation and end in the Middle East.
Some people out there think being in a gang is a tough macho thing and there's no other option to live your life.....you couldn't be more wrong (Where's Waldo Quote).
Instead of causing real violence and hatred and forever perpetuating this nonsense, pick up a modern role-playing game and start turf wars on there.
It's safer and you don't have to go to jail and sit beside a guy named "bubba" who eyes you up each time you drop your pants to make a rocky mountain mud slide.
Don't think there's a common denominator between role-playing and real life gangs?
To prove you wrong, let me break some stuff down for you.
Did you know there are a lot of similarities between Bloods & Crips and World of Warcraft?
Crips colors are blue, Bloods are red
In World of Warcraft….Alliance is blue, Hordes are red.
In World of Warcraft, the Alliance and Horde are killing each other to be the king of online role-playing.
Crips & Bloods are killing each other to see whose king of a block.
Crips & Bloods are always claiming their from the CPT.
World of Warcraft players are always claiming their from an ISP.
In World of Warcraft, don’t get caught in the wrong territory or else there’s consequences to pay.
In Bloods & Crips, don’t get caught in the wrong territory or else....do I even need to finish that sentence?
World of Warcraft has dealers that can get you what you want.
Bloods & Crips also have dealers that can get you what you want, the only difference here is, there's no "X" button to hit to make a purchase.
In World of Warcraft, people will talk about your epic exploits around campfire tales and will fear you.
In Bloods & Crips, people will talk about you chopping a body up and will not want to go near you.
The creation of Bloods & Crips was partly due to the killings of MLK and Malcom X by the hands of white people.
World of Warcraft is created by.....mostly white people.
In the end, gangs are nothing more than realistic role playing games.
So if you wanna be a gangster, pick up "Grand Theft Auto" and trash talk an 8 year old boy who knows how to run a gang more effectively than you do.
Speaking of religion, the other day I was so bored that I looked up stuff about the church of Satan and the satanic bible and came to a conclusion. The satanic bible is not at all what anyone would expect considering the title. Wikipedia had a brief description of all the chapters in the bible and they are all about loving, respecting, and honoring each other for our differences no matter what and trying to get along with everyone in society. So let me ask you, would you have guessed something like that would have come from the "Satanic Bible"? This just makes me want to attend a mass for the church of Satan out of curiosity now. I bet this is how it will go......
The highest priest will do whatever he does and preach whatever he preaches along with us saying "Hail Satan" during certain sections that we should insert that line. We would all go up and drink kool-aid representing the blood of the fallen one but are told these are his tears because he cried so hard when god threw him out for making some minor suggestions. We would then sing songs with titles such as "Satan's Got Your Back Especially When Your Down On Life", "Satan Always The Trickster", and the most popular hit "Satan Why You Always Creeping Around In The Dark".
The priest would then bless us with his magical wand filled with spit all while I couldn't help notice they have Jesus on the cross upside down. I guess someone didn't tell him he put it up wrong, if only he had one of those laser pointers to put it up correctly that you can buy at Sears.
Anyways, after all that we would gather around and talk about the last episode of Grey's Anatomy as we would eat food provided by the “He smiles, he grins, satans not such a bad guy” youth foundation. I wonder where they found those lost souls.
After a while I noticed everyone keeps checking their watches. Eventually, when the moon is just right and the cows moan while pissing to the left, we know it’s a sign to proceed to go underground into a room lit with dominoes shaped into a pentagram and he says to me with inspiring words “Don’t bump them”. We gather around as a copy of Idiots guide to Satan worshiping is passed out. We then chant (Vanilla Ice's: Ice Ice Baby) as we play duck duck goose. Then whoever is the goose must get into the middle of the domino shaped pentagram and pray to the poster of David Hasselhoff. After that is done, then we all head out to the Cold Stone Creamery to get some ice cream.
You see the, Church of Satan is a fun loving culture that means no harm to anyone. Its tabooed by demons and goblins and the fiery pits of hell. When it comes down to it, all they want to do is just love one another and get ice cream.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.