Vatican – Pope Francis has received word today that Jesus is set to come back to earth but not by a shinning bright light coming out of the open sky. Instead, he will be floating down to earth on a cloud of kittens. Apparently, this is due to the fact that no one will listen or care about you unless you have a kitten in your hand.
“I’m the son of God, you’d think that’d be enough for my children but no….they just want to see cute little kittens….those kittens didn’t sacrifice their life for your forgiveness…I did but you do have free will, so whatever” quoted Pope Francis of his conversation with Jesus.
If this is indeed true, then Jesus will finally break his Guinness World Record streak of “Procrastination” for when someone say’s their coming back.
“If Jesus is really coming back, then the last supper wasn’t the last supper, it was just that one awkward Thanksgiving” said one person in the street.
Atheists are still holding their doubt but a recent poll shows that most of them will convert if confronted by Jesus. “I have a hunch that none of this is real and it’s backed up by no scientific proof and is based merely on faith, just like religion” said Brendan Myers a proud atheist working at the lumber mill.
Even Satanist worshippers have chimed in on social media with their reactions.
“Wal-Mart will remain open and in fact are having “2nd Coming” discounted sales from now until Jesus’ arrival”, said Carl Douglas McMillon (Wal-Mart CEO).
In related news, a study conducted by Harvard shows that most of society has not read the Bible but Cliff Notes sales for the Bible have increased dramatically. If you’re one of many who have not read the Bible, get your Cliff Notes Bible copy today.
Iowa – Congress, NASA, NATO and other high ranking individuals around the world got together yesterday and have deemed that the moon is offensive. Demolition of the moon is scheduled to happen sometime this summer. This comes from a response from sensitive college students with ongoing acme issues that have been called “Crater Face”. They felt that if the moon would go away, no one would be able to use the craters of the moon to describe their embarrassing acme issues.
Many have questioned as to why the biggest leaders of the world would agree to the demolition of the moon.
“We were just trying to save face” said one Attorney General.
“Listen, these kids today go through so much stuff like failed selfies to constantly being bombarded by cute kitten videos to having people just give them what they want all the time….they just need a safe space because words can hurt. God forbid they ever read a dictionary, they would just crumble if they knew what kinds of words were in there” said Vladimir Puttin.
However, the people that will be most affected by the demolition of the moon are werewolves.
“If you take away the moon, you take away my identity, I thought political correctness was against taking away others identities through harm to others?” said Don Lyken (assumed werewolf).
In response to this, one of the sensitive college students made a comment.
“What? Theirs werewolves?” said Lauren Colley (super sensitive student).
No more will werewolves be able to transform from human to wolf nor will they be able to howl at the moon. Instead, they will stay in human form and pretend to howl out at moon pictures online like a rabid dog of their former selves.
The only other dire consequences from demolishing the moon is that the churning of the oceans and circulation of nutrients ceases, water based life struggle to survive and millions of species go extinct. Earth will change rotation and wobble causing our seasons to go into turmoil and the earth will now swing around the sun in a wild, unstable and fluctuating orbit.
“But at least everyone will be safer now” said Jake McCuthery (extremely sensitive student).
Please share this story with any of your sensitive politically correct friends or family.
Philadelphia, PA – Phillip Deckland (17) has transformed his body from overweight teenager into a Hollywood beach body by using the new dieting fad called “Crushing Puss”. This new fad is mostly for teenagers that see attractive women but because of their oversize weight, the attractive women don’t see them. This causes them to discover that it’s because of the athletic men in the school that are taking away all the attractive women with their circular pocket patch rumbles on their stomach and their almost mentally challenged demeanor masked by an athletic performance so no one will know attitude.
Upon realizing this, Phillip Deckland dropped from 325 pounds to 185 pounds, honor student to academically impaired and began using “No one understands me because I have a perfect body and a tiny mind full of riddles” mystique about himself that high school girls find attractive and to a lesser extent, some adult women.
Since then, his family has seen a decline in his participation with their family movie nights. Grace Deckland (mother) sat down with her son to discuss if it’s something they did wrong but her son (Phillip) told her that he’s just too busy anymore crushing pussy.
“I thought my son was out for all hours of the night killing cats and I raised a murderer but only to find out that “Crushing Pussy” means to have sex a lot” – said Grace Deckland.
Bob Deckland (father) is not concerned and is in fact jealous.
“I crushed one puss and I married it, I thought that was how it worked with your sister” – said Bob Deckland.
If you liked this article, we would like to encourage you to read the sequel to this called “College, none of this shit matters”.
Each year, thousands of American citizens go to war against each other to get materialistic things they don’t need, right after they are thankful for everything they already have only hours earlier on thanksgiving. That day is called Black Friday.
Black Friday is a day of simple rules; you wait in line, get the amazing sale and return home a warrior to your family.
However, on this day last year, those rules were challenged by a Native American man who felt wronged by the system.
“I put up my teepee, camped out and waited for mother Best Buy to open. I made friends with a white man and I showed him how to reboot his phone so he could show his other white friends how to do the same. Then morning came and the white man invaded my space by leaping in front of my spot in line” said Alawa Paqua.
Alawa Paqua felt shamed because he knows all too well about the white man’s past with his people. “They always seem nice at first but then they cut in line year after year. How am I supposed to go back to my family and tell them I let a white man take the 5th spot for a free 55 Inch Samsung LED TV”.
Tired of being wronged by the white man, Alawa Paqua decided to cut in line to the rightful spot of land that he deserved. That’s when all the other people in line started to get rowdy.
“They have a reserved spot for people like him and it’s now in the back of the line” said one patron waiting outside.
“I’m from out of the country” said one black man as he witnessed the incident taking place.
Alawa Paqua knew he was out numbered and needed to call in reinforcements. An hour later, a clan of Native Americans with war paint on drove up and cut right up to the front of the line.
“History has taught us that our people were here before you and that’s why we need to get a great deal on electronic devices” said Goga Mawalu. However, the white customers in this line felt otherwise and devised an atrocious act for when Best Buy would open.
Much like the white man did to the buffalo, they did to the flat screen TV’s on this day. “They massacred all of them for no other reason than to not allow me to watch a Redskins football game on a 55 inch LED TV” said Alawa Paqua.
One Native American turned his head and a lone tear came out as he held a doorbusters coupon book in his hand.
So for this Black Friday, if you see a Native American in line, give him your spot, it’s the least you could do as reparations for their people.
I know what you're thinking.....this is really edgy material (drum snare sound).
Anyways.....Ah, the tooth fairy. I remember her well in my youth. She always left me a note under my pillow beside my tooth saying "to cash these in when dad wins the powerball".
It's hard when you learn the truth about this kind of stuff, you know? It sucks to learn that your parents conspired against you with the tooth fairy.
That's why I never want to lie to my children, so in our household. The tooth fairy is dead.
I will say that the tooth fairy is the most suspicious of the imaginary bunch.
We know Santa goes back to the north pole where he makes elves work 364 days a year......they need to get a union up there. And we're oddly OK with him harboring these mystical brainwashed elves as slaves to make toys for the homosapien.
We also know the Easter Bunny teaches children about Jesus Christ's craving for chocolate eggs....which we all know is the real reason he rose from the dead.
But the tooth fairy, we know nothing beyond her taking our teeth.
What is she doing with our teeth? Making bracelets out of them?......."Here wear this if you support tooth decay".
I just find it strange that there could be some mythical creature out there in a dark cabin surrounded by other people's teeth.....like we never ask what the tooth fairy's doing after she gets the tooth.
For all we know, our teeth could be crushed down to a powder like substance that makes magical carpets fly and now we all support terrorism.
That's right, since Osama Bin Laden has been dead, they've been using magical carpets to fly into buildings but with little success.
It's just annoying now because someone has to sit beside that window with the silver lining cracked glass.
I don't know, I could be wrong about this but I do know that during the middle ages in England, children were instructed to burn their baby teeth so they wouldn't spend eternity looking for them in the afterlife.....oh yes because God can do everything but give you your baby teeth, his only weakness and why do you need baby teeth in heaven when you have adult teeth?
So you can see (sorry blind people), this is why we don't do the tooth fairy in our household, instead we make it more realistic.
You lose a tooth, we congratulate you and then you go back to work. It's akin to the same meaningfulness when your boss does it to you when you turn in those reports.
This way, our child has no expectations but if your family wants to still continue the tradition, you can make it realistic by doing this.
Child loses tooth, imaginary tooth fairy comes and gives the child imaginary money.
Human beings are so afraid of death and on some level were selfish pricks about it. For example, have you ever seen a funeral procession drive by and think....thank god it’s no one I know?
Another way we’re selfish pricks about death is that we like to keep loved ones on life support for weeks. Why? Because they had so much more time.....he’s 96, what great thing could he have missed out on besides 2 girls one cup.
The only people not afraid of death are mass suicide people. They meet their maker in an 8oz glass of kool-aid.
You know, I’ve always wondered what it would take to get a group of people to commit suicide together? Did they get rid of casual Fridays at work or are they just all married men and this was the only way out?
Also, has there ever been a person who has had second thoughts as everyone’s drinking from the cup at the same time? Like the person just tips the cup back to make it appear as if he’s drinking it and everyone around him dies and later he tells the police for why he’s the only survivor, “we agreed to a count system, no one counted down, I said Ezekiel are we counting down and he said yes, they all mentally counted, I don’t do mental count downs, I only do out loud count downs”.
I will say that if you wanna ruin the day for a farmer, a mass load of people dead in his corn fields is one way to do it.
But back to death, another reason people are afraid of death is because they want to accomplish their dreams. Saddam and Bin Laden didn’t get theirs, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
I've even heard people say stupid reasons for why they don’t want to die over the years like “I better not die before my yoga class, my back really needs it”….trust me, you’re back will feel better than ever once you die.
But death is something we don't like to talk about in society and it was hard for me grasp onto when I was younger.
My first dose of death was when my grandfather passed away and even before he died, I always thought he was dead because he couldn’t hear, couldn’t taste, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t walk and just slept....pretty much text book for the word “Dead”.
When he did die, I was so young, I didn’t understand, you don’t get it when everyone’s telling you a loved one has moved onto a better place and then you see this place. It’s not so great. People can only visit you one at a time, there’s no room for them to move around in and the drapes on the closing wall is horrendous. I remember thinking, grandpa even looked pale, so I rubbed instant tanning lotion on him....he ended up looking like a dead carrot instead.
When you see dead people at funeral’s, their always mildly smiling as if to say “Eh, thing’s could be better”. Smiling let’s you know everything’s alright, if that’s the case, then give me a jackolantern smile when I die....it’ll probably freak everyone out but at least you’ll know I’m alright.
Hell, why should we stop at humans, let’s get road kill while we’re at it, "look dad a chipmunk", "oh, he’s alright, look, he’s smiling".
The funny thing is that African tribes don’t put a smile on their dead, they just lay them down on a pile of sticks and burn it. Now that’s more eco friendly, burn the dead and you save forest land, then you don’t have to waste a wooden box that could have been used for the next Stephen King novel.
Besides the actual circumstance of death, the only other creepy factor is the funeral parlor, man are they just creepy. Actually, someone once told me that funeral parlor’s would be less creepy if dead people weren’t there.....yeah, it’d be called a house.
And what’s with funeral music. Funeral music is the worst kind of music ever. If someone didn't know what funeral music was, just tell them to take all the heartaches and lowest points of their life and smash them down into an MP3....you have funeral music.
They do say that music can affect your mood so it’d be weird if someone had funeral music on their IPod while driving.....this is a nice song and now I’ve suddenly have the urge to wonder how much carbon monoxide my car puts out…oh look, a garage.
I think it’d be even weirder if someone used funeral music as a pump up for working out....."what you listening to?"....."that new rap artist “flippyflopz”, you?"....."stevens and sons mortuary".
I’d really lose it if a funeral song became a hot 100 hit…I know you’re dying for it, here’s stevens and sons mortuary hit “Identify me, embalm me, see you in heaven”, with special vocals from god.
I do wish there was some sort of smell that would let you know whether or not a loved one went to heaven or hell...."(sniff) you smell that"..."yeah, grandpa smells crispy, we know where he went".
Honestly, we already pre-concieve everyones going to hell by lowering their body into the ground or else we’d shoot their lifeless corpse into space to be with the heavens.
Of course, this is all if you believe unless you’re an.....”atheist"...."Ughh, just put a twig over my dead body and a flower will grow”....cheer up, my god, I swear they started the emo movement.....stop being depressed, take your Zoloft and pray to your plants.....if you’re so sure there’s nothing beyond this realm, then live our your life....."what’s wrong?"....."I’m atheist"...."so you have proof god doesn’t exist?"...."no.....it’s just a hunch".
Regardless, whether you believe or not, I hope I accomplish great things before I die. I don’t want my life story to read, "he worked at adult world for 11 years....he was the best battery to accessory salesman".
The point of all this is......don't take drugs while sleep deprived and watch a documentary about the death, dying and the after life.
In December of 2013, an Oklahoma man named Brad Davis killed his step dad using the age old classic.....an atomic wedgie.
I'll pause to let that sink in.....atomic wedgie.
The one thing I wanna know is, what brand of underwear was the guy using because I rip mine all the time. Even doing simple things like bending over or putting them on. I've even caught myself saying this statement out loud as I've ripped them, "two legs don't go in on one side, come on, you idiot".
Brad Davis did indeed kill a man by using the most well known killing stealth mode one could ever use and that's an atomic wedgie.
Brad Davis killed his step dad because his step dad called his mother some mean names like "her real name", "you sure are amazing" & "thanks for dinner".
Brad Davis (step son) was 33 years old, which begs the question, was this pre-meditated?
I can see hitting the step dad with a baseball bat or another object near by but the atomic wedgie? That guy knew what he was grabbing for.
The step dad probably did this to his step son and embarrassed him when he was young, all while, the step son waited for the right time to get revenge and tarnish the legacy of his step dad.
Think about it, even if his step dad was the guy that cured cancer, after dying from an atomic wedgie, he will now only be known as the guy that died from an atomic wedgie......that's a full proof way to taint a mans legacy.
Some of you may be wondering how did the step son do this with a sober human being? The step dad was so inebriated that he didn't see it coming until he could smell his underwear suffocating his mouth and shit was the last thing he saw.
This story does have a moral lesson.
Parents, at a certain age, you just need to kick your children out of the house or else this could happen to you.
Someday I'm going to realistically have a gazillion dollars with the allowance money my wife gives me as her personal slave and here are the simple things I'd like to do with that money that only a person with a gazillion dollars could do.
1. Buy a gym and get a membership there
2. Purchase a bag of sour patch kids
3. Go for a hike in my suburban backyard
4. Train domesticated dogs
5. Get a job
6. Listen to the birds during a rain storm
7. Feel the breeze of a hot summer day while under water
8. Pretend to care about others
9. Quilt a blanket and try to return the finished product to a random retail outlet
10. Get a clown as a personal bodyguard because you will either be afraid or highly entertained, either way, it saves me time to get away from you
11. Rob my own house and file an insurance claim to get newer updated stuff
12. Buy a planet and send sea monkeys there to cultivate the land
13. Start a forest fire in the desert
14. Buy a horse track and use it to race midgets on top of jockeys
15. Plant a crab apple tree and wait for those delicious apples to blossom
As I take a further look at this list. I guess most of these I can do now with the $5,000 I have in savings like number #1, #10, #12 & #14.
Oh well, it's like they always say, "Money buys happiness".
No, that’s not a typo. Sigmund Freud came up with this….who is Sigmund Freud?
Sigmund Freud is known as the father of psychology and like any father, he left behind some mind bending twisted stuff for his psychology children to sort through emotionally.
Sigmund Freud concocted some weird theories over the years but this one to me, tops them all.
Sigmund Freud developed the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development that children go through from birth to adult.
Apparently, children are psycho’s (debatable) and sexual. Hmmm, yes, because as an adult, I’m always thinking about sex with children.
Can someone tell me again, why we even still learn about him in school? Maybe this is the sole reason other nations beat us academically?
But anyways, the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development are Oral, Anal, Phallic, Latent & Genital.
If you need help remembering them use this handy guide below.
Oral -----> word of mouth; spoken rather than written or relating to the mouth.
Anal -----> of, relating to, or located near the anus or overly neat, careful, or precise
Phallic ---> of, relating to, or resembling a phallus or erect penis.
Latent ---> of a quality or state) existing but not yet developed or manifest; hidden; concealed.
Genital --> of or relating to the human or animal reproductive organs.
If this was too confusing, let me break it down even easier for you to remember.
Oral ----> To put a mans genital or toothbrush in your mouth.
Anal ----> What to avoid in prison.
Phallic --> Worthy of worship.
Latent ---> Peek-A-Boo.
Genital --> Hurts when someone kicks them.
Now let’s break down each of the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development.
Stage 1: Oral (0-2 years old)
All your desires are oriented towards your lips and mouth.
Ok, seems normal so far. Nothing sexual. I’m on board with this.
Stage 2: Anal (2-4 years old)
You enter the sadistic anal phase.
OK, I’m off board.
Yes, because when I was 2-4 years old I was really sadistically anal about everything. I’d put things up my ass, things would fall out my ass, and then I started getting really anal about what kind of shit goes in my ass.
Come on, the sadistic anal phase, like who would even use the word anal to describe the earliness of a child?
“There’s nothing wrong with your child Stacy, he’s just sadistically anal”.
Stage 3: Phallic (4-7 years old)
Sensitivity now becomes concentrated in the genitals and masturbation (in both sexes) becomes a new source of pleasure. The child becomes aware of anatomical sex differences, which sets in motion the conflict between erotic attraction, resentment, rivalry, jealousy and fear.
Really Freud? Really?
I’m pretty sure if this was true Don Henley would have covered this topic in “Boys of Summer”.
Hell, at those ages, I was too busy watching Ducktales but apparently in Freud’s eyes, I should have been watching Fucktales.
Come on, what parent has had this conversation.
Friend: My child just started playing an instrument.
Parent: Mine too!!! What is yours playing?
Friend: The piano. Yours?
Parent: Skin flute.
Stage 4: Latent (7-12 years old)
No further psychosexual development takes place during this stage (latent means hidden). The libido is dormant. Most sexual impulses are repressed during the latent stage and sexual energy is exercised towards schoolwork, hobbies and friendships.
Person: Excuse me, is that a rock in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Me: No, that’s an eraser, number 2 pencil, calculator, pencil sharpener, pen, ink quill, calendar organizer, hi-liter, scissors & a measuring compass.
I don’t know about you but during this phase I started to develop a sexual desire for women (age 11).
Like who at the ages of 7-12 have had their fill with sexual desire and now wants to conquer world peace?
These must be the most gifted and mature children the world has ever seen that Freud studied and since then none have existed.
Then again, it does help your credibility as a researcher to study once in a lifetime children. No one would question your findings because you weren’t there to witness these selfless, non-sex driven, world peace children.
Stage 5: Genital (13-adulthood)
Your development over the latency period has allowed you to enter the final genital phase. You regain desire of the opposite sex and must fulfill your instinct to procreate and ensure the survival of the human species.
Father: What’s wrong son?
Me: (sobbing) It’s just so much pressure.
Father: School can be rough at times.
Me: (still sobbing) No, I’m only 13 and everyone expects me to ensure the survival of the human species. How am I supposed to do that when I can’t even do calculus?
Father: These kids are growing up too fast.
Correct me if I’m wrong but did we all just become monks for 5 years and now it’s ok to go out and screw something?
Man, I wish I knew about this phase when I was younger.
Mom: You can’t have sex.
Me: Mom, I’m in the genital phase I need to procreate, why can’t you ever understand what I’m going through, Freud does.
Although, Freud forgot one major part in this phase that is a consequence of sexual activity.
Hmm, I guess there’s no time for that topic when you’re just fucking around.
And there you have it, the “5” stages of Psychosexual Development.
In addition, just to prove how crazy Freud was, here’s another quick example of his great line of work.
Freud had a great idea and that was to use cocaine as an antidepressant drug. He even wrote a paper on how good it was and how he prescribed it to his friend Ernst to help him overcome a morphine addiction he had acquired while treating a disease of the nervous system.
Wow, what a good friend.
Comedy is such an easy business; I’m surprised that not every youthful person working a dead end job in a big city wants to try it.
I mean, the comedy scene is not over saturated at all with wanna be comedians.
Who wouldn’t want to be a comedian, being a comedian always means there’s a steady paycheck.
And there’s no drama, jealousy, hatred or back stabbing. Only kind words and hugs for each other.
So I decided to make a list of facts you need to know if you’re going to try and do stand up.
How am I remotely qualified to tell you this?
I get this all the time, people will come up to me and say, “You’re comedy sucks” and as rewarding as that may be to hear. One can never let your ego get too inflated with such nice words.
So as you can clearly see, I’m completely qualified to tell you how to do stand up comedy.
Here are my (10) Comedy 101 pieces of information you need to know.
1. The rumors aren't true. Comedy open mics have a nice balanced ratio of comedians to audience members. There's never too many comedians and they are surely not pretending to pay attention to your act just so they can get to theirs quicker.
2. Comedians love another comedian that uses props and panders to the audience. If you've got stuff laying around the house. Use them in your act. It will show your comedy friends that you can't be original without props.....classic comedy gold right there.
3. Ride that high horse and befriend every comedian you meet. This way it ups your chances that when they make it big, they'll remember you.
4. When a fellow comedian congratulates you on a good set. Always respond back with "I can't say the same for yours". This way you acknowledge he's a comedian but at the same time. You're letting him know his hours of work wasn't worth it....classic comedy love.
5. When you get your first heckler. Take his advice seriously. He's been heckling for years. He knows true talent. His advice could just save your comedy career.
6. Every comedian should do a 10 min set when only allotted 5 mins. This shows the open mic host that you never want to come back. A classic comedy move.
7. Watch your friend’s sets and go to a competition and use their best material in your set. Its shows your comedy friends that you really liked there jokes and you want respect.
8. Never memorize your sets and when you bomb on stage. Blame it on the fact that it was because you didn’t memorize your act. This way, you’ll know the root of a failed act but do nothing about it. Also, it’s easier to recover from depression when you know the answer to a failed set versus being prepared and still bombing.
9. Invite all your family and friends to see you when starting out. This will give you a great opportunity for them to realize why sometimes chasing down a dream is a bad idea and that letter of resignation document on their computer is now replaced with thoughts of you for why it’s good to keep your day job.
10. Always perform and just leave. Everyone came to see you anyways. By doing this, you’ll keep them wanting more and you will open up on a scale of 1 to 10 about zero opportunities to be invited onto someone’s paid show.
Take this advice literally.
On a serious note, do not take any of this advice.
Being a stand up comic, writer or improv performer is not something everyone can do or has the patience to work hard at it.
Yes, for some people it comes easy to and other’s it takes a lot of life lessons and tough moments to be a better comic and that’s if you don’t bow out of the comic ring before getting there.
My real advice would be to read a lot of books on the topic, read bio books about comedians you like, familiarize yourself with lots of comedians, watch a lot of TV shows, movies and listen to podcasts that are about comedy or have some comedy influence in them.
Basically, immerse yourself in it and then take the dive to try out stand up.
To anyone reading this that does actually want to try, don’t do it. There are too many of us at the moment. Comics need to start dropping likes flies so I can get noticed.
Side note – I’m not bitter, I’m just sour.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.