I am a huge fan of "The Office" and I decided to help jump start some kind of wave to get people excited and petitioning for a "reunion" episode.
Metallica’s new album (Hardwired…To Self Destruct) which has been in the making for 8 years now, is scheduled to come out on Friday November 18, 2016. In support of the album, Metallica is going on a mini-tour to promote it for the 13th anniversary of the self-critically acclaimed “St. Anger” album. Here are the tour dates listed below.
Children’s Hospital of Michigan November 19, 2016
Larry Gold, President of the Children’s Hospital of Michigan gave a release statement about Metallica’s involvement performing the entire “St. Anger” album at his hospital.
“Haven’t the children suffered enough”, Larry Gold.
Some children are expected to make a miraculous recovery before Metallica arrives to perform the album in its entirety.
Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Pittsburgh native comedian “Jerry Wrighthour” finally got the moment every comedian can’t wait to get out of their mouths and that’s a great dick joke. Jerry Wrighthour has spent years of trying to figure out a unique way to tell a hilarious original dick joke but he kept coming up short when compared to his fellow comedian friends.
“My dick joke is about 8 minutes long” said comedian Jordan Deters.
“My dick joke is an average 6 minutes long” said comedian Dave Bribsy.
But the reigning champ of dick jokes belongs to Joey Chase.
“His is so long, no one can touch it…it’s the most unique thing I’ve ever seen” said comedian Ryan Stouter.
Joey Chase has a 12 minute dick joke which is the equivalent to one ruler or a dinner plate chock full of dick jokes ready to be consumed by a mouth or in this case, inside an ear.
But for Jerry Wrighthour, none of this mattered because he set a goal for himself and didn’t care what others had to say. Some people told him that his dick jokes were too soft but Jerry knew his were hard and just needed to stroke some of the wordings to get it going.
Last night, at a local pub for an open mic night, Jerry planned on doing 5 minutes of dick jokes he was sure that would be successful but he was only able to muster up 30 seconds worth.
“I blew it early, I’ll have to swallow this one and get back at it again” said Jerry Wrighthour.
Jerry did leave some people satisfied as some patrons came over to him after the open mic show and congratulated him on that great dick joke he told. That’s when Jerry realized he did it, he nailed a great dick joke. Sure, not all of them were winners but that first one worked and it was the one to measure up against as he continues to make more dick jokes.
“I know I can stretch it out longer now if I shave off the fluff and extend the main shaft of the dick joke that worked into a fully blossomed bit” said Jerry Wrighthour. Hopefully, Jerry can do this with a hot crowd and not a cold one that won’t be as receptive to his future dick jokes because Jerry knows, it can be longer.
And if you’re still reading this, I believe mine is about this long from top to bottom. If you don’t believe me, just know I own a truck and maybe that will explain it.
Here’s a list of things you should never say to a police officer for fun no matter what the situation is.
1. Never say this when walking up to a police officer
“ Can you hold this knife for me, it’s only been used once? God rest his soul.”
2. Never say this when an officer walks up to you.
“Well great, now that you’re here, this deal isn’t happening at all now.”
3. Never say this to an officer during a DUI check when they tell you to walk a line.
“Can I snort it instead?”
4. Never say this to an officer when being pulled over for speeding.
“I’m glad you’re only pulling me over for a speeding violation, I thought it was because of what I have in my trunk.”
5. Never say this when an officer wants to know what you have on your person.
“Slavery’s over, I don’t own a person.”
6. Never say this when an officer say’s “Hello” to you.
“Ohhhhhhh crap, he’s onto me (start running away).”
7. Never say this when an officer tells you the park is closed.
“I’m not harming anyone officer, I’m just finding the perfect spot to pick up a child tomorrow aaaaand I got it, have a great night.”
8. Never say this to an officer when going through the metal detector at the local courthouse.
“I thought about brining my unlicensed AK-47 in as a scare tactic if things don’t go in my favor but then I took my meds and realized, that’s such a silly idea….I’ll just call in a fake bomb threat like any normal citizen would do.”
9. Never say this to an officer when giving a detailed report of what you saw at a crime scene.
“I’m telling you, it’s a guy that looks like me but isn’t me.”
10. Never say this to an officer when they ask you about your whereabouts.
“I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt but thanks for noticing.”
The Altoona KKK Team and the Bedford KKK Team were set to square off in a friendly game of football this past Saturday when an issue came up. “We can’t both wear white sheets, how will we know which team is which?” said Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid of the Bedford KKK branch.
Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid has been with the menial KKK group since he was a kid, he enjoys blind hatred and he doesn’t have any wizardry powers. “If I did have wizardry powers, there’d be no race wars” said Tim Stolid.
When informed about how his comment could be interpreted as peace between the races, Tim Stolid retracted his statement and said, “There’d be no race wars, if I did have wizardry powers”.
However, the issue of what to do about how they will recognize whose who on each side of the football game still persisted.
That’s when John Puerile of the Altoona KKK branch decided they should have away and home team colors. The home team would be white and the away team’s colors would be black.
This is where things fell apart, everyone became in such a ruckus that anyone would ever suggest wearing black.
“It’s completely offensive to what our beliefs are” said Bob Inane of the Altoona KKK branch.
To which we asked, “What beliefs?”.
Bob Inane said he’d have to go and ask his Grand Master Wizard what they were.
Steve Doltish of the Bedford KKK branch said, “I don’t even drink chocolate milk because it comes from a biracial cow”.
As the minutes ticked by, one person suggested they use the old method of white sheets vs skins but then someone reminded them that they’d look like sweaty Mexicans and that approach was canned.
Ideas went rapid for a good while with how to address this issue and that’s when someone pointed out that the football is brown colored. You could hear a burnt cross drop to the ground with how quiet everyone got.
“It was like that time someone asked me if I dreamed and I said “Yeah” and they told me that I now have something in common with Martin Luther King, Jr, then they told me that my poop was brown…..that last one rattled my brain for weeks but now this issue of the football being brown colored….how do we solve this issue?” said Devin Dim of the Altoona KKK branch.
At that moment, Andrew Obtuse of the Bedford KKK branch picked up the football and said, “It’s only a football”. That’s when the entire Altoona KKK branch shouted, “Race Traitor!!!!” and charged at the entire Bedford KKK branch.
Fists were flying, bones were breaking and egos were bruised as mother nature started to pour rain atop everyone, causing the ground to get muddy and wet. As the fight continued in the pouring rain, every member of the KKK branches were covered in mud. That’s when one of the Bedford KKK members noticed they all looked black. The fight immediately stopped and tears of sadness overcame everyone.
“I could never have fathomed in a million years that blackness was under our feet this whole time, how could Jesus do this to us”, cried Tobey Rash of the Altoona KKK branch.
That’s when Andrew Obtuse realized that Jesus was a Jew and that explained everything. Both sides cried out in pain and felt foolish for not seeing what’s been in front of them this whole time.
Minutes later, both KKK branches went home but not in their cars because the tires were black and not in their shoes because the soles were black but on their feet.
One can only hope that they’d be lost to time on that journey back because that’s where their ideals belong.
Kim Davis was sent to jail for 5 days but why she really went there is the real shocker.
Ever since Gay Marriage was passed in August of 2015, Kim Davis has been curious about another nail polished hand brushing against her bearded clam or even having her pastrami flaps licked clean.
“I wondered what all the hub bub was about with same sex relationships, like do I bring the adapter or does she? Or who goes out on a run for batteries when the adapter dies?”, said Kim Davis.
However, as a hardcore Christian, she didn’t want to penetrate through God’s will of what the institution of marriage is supposed to be about but thought that God does forgive and it would be a funny highlight reel moment when she goes to heaven as God and her discuss that random night of promiscuity.
So with that being said, Kim Davis set up a secret account on AshleyMadison.com under the alias “Scissor Sisters Unite”. However, no one replied back to her requests for a one night “Muff Dive” session.
“Then it hit me in the poody tat as I was watching a documentary about prison sex. I thought, that’s the way to go”, said Kim Davis. There was one problem though, Kim Davis didn’t know exactly what crime she would commit in order to go to jail. Lots of ideas entered her head like, “Collecting rain water during a drought”, “Overdue library books”, or “Changing a mannequin’s clothes at a retail store”.
Instead, Kim Davis went with the old classic, “help destroy another person’s life that has no affect on your life or the way you lead it but you feel it does because you get the creeps about the topic that you don’t understand but act as if you do and thus the only option is to rally other Christian supporters with feeble minds to hate another group of individuals based on the simple basis that pee pee’s and wookies should never touch anyone of the same gender”…in other words, stop accepting gay marriage licenses.
This is exactly what Kim Davis did the next day at work until she was thrown in jail for defying a U.S. Federal Court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
“As I was being hauled off to jail, my twatlantic ocean started buzzing with excitement as I got closer to the female ward section”, said Kim Davis.
Immediately as she got there, Kim Davis started sending out vibes that her beef curtains were looking for a pounding. Unfortunately, as the days went by, Kim Davis watched all the women have sex with each other and no one had sex with her.
“I felt depressed as if I was singled out as a close minded Christian”, said Kim Davis. Kim Davis even went as far as to getting completely naked, putting bars of soap up her republic of labia and shooting them out one by one as they skipped across the shower floors. “This did nothing for the ladies and it caused me to have a urinary tract infection”, said Kim Davis.
Only a few days later, she was notified by her legal council that September 9th was going to be her last day in jail. Kim Davis felt deeply saddened because she never got that lesbian experience she was looking for and when she felt like her finger warmer was backed up against a wall of self-defeat, Kim Davis got the biggest surprise ever.
“I was reading the bible when I was shanked repeatedly by a crucifix in the stink rink by another female inmate”, said Kim Davis. It was during this moment that Kim Davis felt a rush of orgasmic waves like no other, even to the point where she queefed. “I thanked the female inmate as the guards threw her to the ground”, said Kim Davis.
Upon having this moment, Kim Davis was ready to leave jail and secure her spot forever in the public eye as a woman whose mind is as bright as a darkened room with neon arrows leading towards a sign saying “Doesn’t Affect Your Life, Just Do Your Job You Twat”. But then she see’s a neon “X” mark flashing over a sign saying “Bigotry This Way”. And unlike Robert Frost, she didn’t choose “The Road Less Traveled”.
Here we are in 2015 and these laws still exist. Some of them may sound crazy but they are real laws. Have fun reading these.
1. Police are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog (Ohio).....I wonder why this is never used as often as it should be?
2.Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama).....this sounds dangerous but exciting at the same time.
3. Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue (Pennsylvania).....I can't tell you how many times I've done this.
4. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington)......a full proof plan to catch criminals off guard, I hope it works out for them.
5. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling (Pennsylvania).....this had to have been made up by a man, anyone else think so?
6. It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church (Alabama).....oh boy, what a trouble maker you are, I bet you're going to hell.
7. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Virginia).....I bet this was a law by auto insurances as a way to lower the rates if you add your wife to the policy.
8. It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel (Pennsylvania).....I'd be more worried about the cycles syncing up and this house being one big giant estrogen storm.
9. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington).....I bet this law gets broken all the time.
10. It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.(Texas).....don't you touch my mother and stop calling her a cow.
11. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed (Texas)....another full proof plan to stop crime.
12. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time (Alabama).....is that an ice cream cone in your back pocket or are you just gay?
13. It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine (Arizona)......sooo, real cocaine is OK?
14. A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month (Arkansas).....this sounds more like a Pennsylvania law.
15. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool (California).....this just makes so much sense.
16. Throwing missiles at cars is illegal (Colorado).....yes, because that's exactly how they work.
17. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday (Conneticut).....more of a reason you need to have that love cushion on the side.
18. It is considered an offense to shower naked (Florida).....is there any other way?
19. One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth (Illinois)……this obviously happened so often that it had to be turned into a law which is disturbing.
20. Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds (Idaho)…..it’s a law only to save the lives of many men from being a victim of “I’m overweight because of all that chocolate” abuse.
21. The value of Pi is 3 (Indiana)…..isn’t it 3.14? No, not here, it’s just “3”.
22. The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire (Iowa)…..Gee, we’re sorry your house burnt down mister but we had to practice before coming, it’s the law and all.
23. Dogs may not molest cars (Kentucy)…..good luck enforcing this one, ugghh, it’s Kentucky for crying out loud.
24. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol (Louisiana)…..if robbing a bank wasn't enough, now you're going and getting someone all wet. They should rot in prison for that last piece.
25. It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies (Maryland)….people have obviously tried this for why it’s a law, which makes it even more scarier.
26. It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house (Michigan)….Your honor, I was trying to steal the flatscreen TV but there carpet had a raised indent and I fell with the TV landing on my leg, breaking it. I was forced to eat their food and wait for an ambulance to come to someone else’s house like a caged animal.
27. Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely (Missourri)…..this seems backwards?
28. Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated (Montana)…..umm, how can you tell if a squirrel is worried?
29. Persons with gonorrhea may not marry (Nebraska)…..ohh come on, that’s an easy cop out.
30. It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs (West Virginia)…..honestly, this makes sense with the state this law is from.
31. Birds have the right of way on all highways (Utah)…..I can see this getting confusing.
32. If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them (South Dakota)......don't worry about this one, we took their land and reserved a space for them on it, they shouldn't be bothering you anytime soon.
33. A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine (South Carolina)…..yeah, cause you know, that’s only an adult thing to do.
34. Idiots may not vote (New Mexico)……uhh, like the person that came up with this law?
There you have it. Some of the dumbest laws that are still enacted in the United States. Go out and have fun committing some of these.
Human beings are so afraid of death and on some level were selfish pricks about it. For example, have you ever seen a funeral procession drive by and think....thank god it’s no one I know?
Another way we’re selfish pricks about death is that we like to keep loved ones on life support for weeks. Why? Because they had so much more time.....he’s 96, what great thing could he have missed out on besides 2 girls one cup.
The only people not afraid of death are mass suicide people. They meet their maker in an 8oz glass of kool-aid.
You know, I’ve always wondered what it would take to get a group of people to commit suicide together? Did they get rid of casual Fridays at work or are they just all married men and this was the only way out?
Also, has there ever been a person who has had second thoughts as everyone’s drinking from the cup at the same time? Like the person just tips the cup back to make it appear as if he’s drinking it and everyone around him dies and later he tells the police for why he’s the only survivor, “we agreed to a count system, no one counted down, I said Ezekiel are we counting down and he said yes, they all mentally counted, I don’t do mental count downs, I only do out loud count downs”.
I will say that if you wanna ruin the day for a farmer, a mass load of people dead in his corn fields is one way to do it.
But back to death, another reason people are afraid of death is because they want to accomplish their dreams. Saddam and Bin Laden didn’t get theirs, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
I've even heard people say stupid reasons for why they don’t want to die over the years like “I better not die before my yoga class, my back really needs it”….trust me, you’re back will feel better than ever once you die.
But death is something we don't like to talk about in society and it was hard for me grasp onto when I was younger.
My first dose of death was when my grandfather passed away and even before he died, I always thought he was dead because he couldn’t hear, couldn’t taste, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t walk and just slept....pretty much text book for the word “Dead”.
When he did die, I was so young, I didn’t understand, you don’t get it when everyone’s telling you a loved one has moved onto a better place and then you see this place. It’s not so great. People can only visit you one at a time, there’s no room for them to move around in and the drapes on the closing wall is horrendous. I remember thinking, grandpa even looked pale, so I rubbed instant tanning lotion on him....he ended up looking like a dead carrot instead.
When you see dead people at funeral’s, their always mildly smiling as if to say “Eh, thing’s could be better”. Smiling let’s you know everything’s alright, if that’s the case, then give me a jackolantern smile when I die....it’ll probably freak everyone out but at least you’ll know I’m alright.
Hell, why should we stop at humans, let’s get road kill while we’re at it, "look dad a chipmunk", "oh, he’s alright, look, he’s smiling".
The funny thing is that African tribes don’t put a smile on their dead, they just lay them down on a pile of sticks and burn it. Now that’s more eco friendly, burn the dead and you save forest land, then you don’t have to waste a wooden box that could have been used for the next Stephen King novel.
Besides the actual circumstance of death, the only other creepy factor is the funeral parlor, man are they just creepy. Actually, someone once told me that funeral parlor’s would be less creepy if dead people weren’t there.....yeah, it’d be called a house.
And what’s with funeral music. Funeral music is the worst kind of music ever. If someone didn't know what funeral music was, just tell them to take all the heartaches and lowest points of their life and smash them down into an MP3....you have funeral music.
They do say that music can affect your mood so it’d be weird if someone had funeral music on their IPod while driving.....this is a nice song and now I’ve suddenly have the urge to wonder how much carbon monoxide my car puts out…oh look, a garage.
I think it’d be even weirder if someone used funeral music as a pump up for working out....."what you listening to?"....."that new rap artist “flippyflopz”, you?"....."stevens and sons mortuary".
I’d really lose it if a funeral song became a hot 100 hit…I know you’re dying for it, here’s stevens and sons mortuary hit “Identify me, embalm me, see you in heaven”, with special vocals from god.
I do wish there was some sort of smell that would let you know whether or not a loved one went to heaven or hell...."(sniff) you smell that"..."yeah, grandpa smells crispy, we know where he went".
Honestly, we already pre-concieve everyones going to hell by lowering their body into the ground or else we’d shoot their lifeless corpse into space to be with the heavens.
Of course, this is all if you believe unless you’re an.....”atheist"...."Ughh, just put a twig over my dead body and a flower will grow”....cheer up, my god, I swear they started the emo movement.....stop being depressed, take your Zoloft and pray to your plants.....if you’re so sure there’s nothing beyond this realm, then live our your life....."what’s wrong?"....."I’m atheist"...."so you have proof god doesn’t exist?"...."no.....it’s just a hunch".
Regardless, whether you believe or not, I hope I accomplish great things before I die. I don’t want my life story to read, "he worked at adult world for 11 years....he was the best battery to accessory salesman".
The point of all this is......don't take drugs while sleep deprived and watch a documentary about the death, dying and the after life.
In December of 2013, an Oklahoma man named Brad Davis killed his step dad using the age old classic.....an atomic wedgie.
I'll pause to let that sink in.....atomic wedgie.
The one thing I wanna know is, what brand of underwear was the guy using because I rip mine all the time. Even doing simple things like bending over or putting them on. I've even caught myself saying this statement out loud as I've ripped them, "two legs don't go in on one side, come on, you idiot".
Brad Davis did indeed kill a man by using the most well known killing stealth mode one could ever use and that's an atomic wedgie.
Brad Davis killed his step dad because his step dad called his mother some mean names like "her real name", "you sure are amazing" & "thanks for dinner".
Brad Davis (step son) was 33 years old, which begs the question, was this pre-meditated?
I can see hitting the step dad with a baseball bat or another object near by but the atomic wedgie? That guy knew what he was grabbing for.
The step dad probably did this to his step son and embarrassed him when he was young, all while, the step son waited for the right time to get revenge and tarnish the legacy of his step dad.
Think about it, even if his step dad was the guy that cured cancer, after dying from an atomic wedgie, he will now only be known as the guy that died from an atomic wedgie......that's a full proof way to taint a mans legacy.
Some of you may be wondering how did the step son do this with a sober human being? The step dad was so inebriated that he didn't see it coming until he could smell his underwear suffocating his mouth and shit was the last thing he saw.
This story does have a moral lesson.
Parents, at a certain age, you just need to kick your children out of the house or else this could happen to you.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.