I am a huge fan of "The Office" and I decided to help jump start some kind of wave to get people excited and petitioning for a "reunion" episode.
Metallica’s new album (Hardwired…To Self Destruct) which has been in the making for 8 years now, is scheduled to come out on Friday November 18, 2016. In support of the album, Metallica is going on a mini-tour to promote it for the 13th anniversary of the self-critically acclaimed “St. Anger” album. Here are the tour dates listed below.
Children’s Hospital of Michigan November 19, 2016
Larry Gold, President of the Children’s Hospital of Michigan gave a release statement about Metallica’s involvement performing the entire “St. Anger” album at his hospital.
“Haven’t the children suffered enough”, Larry Gold.
Some children are expected to make a miraculous recovery before Metallica arrives to perform the album in its entirety.
Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Pittsburgh native comedian “Jerry Wrighthour” finally got the moment every comedian can’t wait to get out of their mouths and that’s a great dick joke. Jerry Wrighthour has spent years of trying to figure out a unique way to tell a hilarious original dick joke but he kept coming up short when compared to his fellow comedian friends.
“My dick joke is about 8 minutes long” said comedian Jordan Deters.
“My dick joke is an average 6 minutes long” said comedian Dave Bribsy.
But the reigning champ of dick jokes belongs to Joey Chase.
“His is so long, no one can touch it…it’s the most unique thing I’ve ever seen” said comedian Ryan Stouter.
Joey Chase has a 12 minute dick joke which is the equivalent to one ruler or a dinner plate chock full of dick jokes ready to be consumed by a mouth or in this case, inside an ear.
But for Jerry Wrighthour, none of this mattered because he set a goal for himself and didn’t care what others had to say. Some people told him that his dick jokes were too soft but Jerry knew his were hard and just needed to stroke some of the wordings to get it going.
Last night, at a local pub for an open mic night, Jerry planned on doing 5 minutes of dick jokes he was sure that would be successful but he was only able to muster up 30 seconds worth.
“I blew it early, I’ll have to swallow this one and get back at it again” said Jerry Wrighthour.
Jerry did leave some people satisfied as some patrons came over to him after the open mic show and congratulated him on that great dick joke he told. That’s when Jerry realized he did it, he nailed a great dick joke. Sure, not all of them were winners but that first one worked and it was the one to measure up against as he continues to make more dick jokes.
“I know I can stretch it out longer now if I shave off the fluff and extend the main shaft of the dick joke that worked into a fully blossomed bit” said Jerry Wrighthour. Hopefully, Jerry can do this with a hot crowd and not a cold one that won’t be as receptive to his future dick jokes because Jerry knows, it can be longer.
And if you’re still reading this, I believe mine is about this long from top to bottom. If you don’t believe me, just know I own a truck and maybe that will explain it.
Well, I was not expecting the success of my Halloween One Liners that I posted up last week. I honestly did that to buy time to write a new fake journal article but since it was such a huge hit, I came up with 27 more Halloween jokes.
Yep, THAT’S 40 HALLOWEEN JOKES TOTAL.
I could basically take my time and say these all on stage for my own Halloween Comedy Special if I wanted to.
You can view the original 13 Halloween jokes from last week here http://thetowncrier.weebly.com/blog/halloween-party-jokes
Hopefully, some of these make you laugh and honestly, you probably won’t find many Halloween centered jokes online, except for here. Enjoy.
1. I went to see a psychic and she asked why I was here….I guess not all of them can be real.
2. I was so afraid of the dark when I was a kid because of what my parents told me….they even said they were scared of it to…..but it turns out….my neighbor was actually a cool guy.
3. For Trick or Treat night, I’m going to write “Life” on my T-shirt and hand out lemons.
4. I keep telling my roommate that there’s a demon in our house that’s trying to possess my body when I sleep….he said, “Surprise….I’m gay”.
5. I got a creepy call from a stranger saying in a muffled voice, “I know what you did last summer”….I traced the call and it turns out….Verizon is still pissed I dropped their services.
6. If you’re not supposed to eat humans, then why are they made of meat? – Cannibal
7. I heard a noise come from the basement and I was told that it’s my mind playing tricks on me and I said, “No dad…I can hear mom screaming”.
8. You know you take life too seriously when you need a buddy system for bobbing for apples.
9. Bad things happen to people who play the Ouija board….but in general, bad things happen to stupid people.
10. I think it’s funny that one house on a block is haunted out of all the other houses….I guess even in the afterlife, even ghosts have to abide by property lines.
11. I’m a lucky guy, my wife has the body of a teenager….that she keeps in the fridge.
12. Why does Michael Myers breathe so heavy under his mask? Is he constantly having an allergy attack?
13. I think the last person Freddy Krueger would want to go after in a dream is a pyromaniac.
14. If you have sex with a vampire…..wouldn’t that be considered necrophilia?
15. It’s hard being a ghost and having friends because you don’t get to see them all the time.
16. I think the real reason “Candyman” comes to haunt you after you say his name (3) times is to show you his hook hand and warn you about the physical costs of diabetes.
17. In the first “Saw” movie, a guy cuts his own leg off and crawls away saying he’s going to get help….he probably forgot about logic.
18. It might be hard to tell who would win best skeleton costume at a fashion show.
19. All the rooms in my house are haunted except for the living room.
20. 3:15 is the devil’s hour…but is that pacific or eastern time?
21. Favorite Church of Satan song…”Satan, why you always creepin around in the dark?”
22. I don’t think we should condemn the Church of Satan people, their only 2 steps away from being a regular war causing real religion. They just need to turn their cross right side up and believe in God.
23. I don’t know why anyone takes the time to look for ghosts when there are stores that have spirits.
24. I don’t know why they call “Mummies”, “Mummies”, when they look more like masking taped humans.
25. A friend of mine went into a supposedly haunted tunnel, flashed his lights 3 times, then turned them off and waited for a sign….I’ll always remember his courage.
26. The saying, “The company you keep”, should really be only used for serial killers.
27. What “Jaws” did for sharks, “The Walking Dead” did for every 2nd amendment redneck.
Well, there you have it, I hope you enjoyed them and use these jokes at your Halloween parties. But I will need them back after Halloween season is over….well, at least the good ones.
Halloween is approaching and everyone will soon be attending parties. If you want to impress people with your comedic timing or show just how odd you really are, use some of these jokes at your get together's.
1. I got so sick of trick or treaters during Halloween that I turned the lights out….in hindsight, no one should have given me a job as a lighthouse keeper.
2. I like to go trick or treating as a werewolf who hasn’t transformed yet.
3. A midget can go as the sci-fi creature “predator” and tell everyone that he’s a child predator.
4. I got a book on haunted cemeteries but I got confused by all the plots.
5. Jason Voorhes is a true momma’s boy….dude, killed a lot of people for his mama.
6. I hate Chucky, how can a little doll hurt you, kick it, hit it with a pillow, return it to K-mart.
7. Why does the Scream guy look like he’s about to go down on someone?
8. I feel that pinhead from hellraiser would be a good candidate to talk to construction workers about on the job accidents.
9. If zombies were real, there would be such a thing as “zombie shaming”….basically, it would be you putting a note around a zombie that says, “Ate my neighbor”.
10. The scariest Halloween costume would be male pattern baldness.
11. When he goes soft, just toss him out and get another one…..for the record, I was talking about pumpkins.
12. Trick Or Treat night is the best time to give out those bibles that were forced upon you by that stranger.
13. Remember “no” means “no” but if someone is dressed up pretending to be someone else, technically, aren’t they pretending to say “no”?
There you have it, go use these for your fun Halloween parties and after that, I’m going to need these back…well, not all of them, just the good ones.
Here’s a list of things you should never say to a police officer for fun no matter what the situation is.
1. Never say this when walking up to a police officer
“ Can you hold this knife for me, it’s only been used once? God rest his soul.”
2. Never say this when an officer walks up to you.
“Well great, now that you’re here, this deal isn’t happening at all now.”
3. Never say this to an officer during a DUI check when they tell you to walk a line.
“Can I snort it instead?”
4. Never say this to an officer when being pulled over for speeding.
“I’m glad you’re only pulling me over for a speeding violation, I thought it was because of what I have in my trunk.”
5. Never say this when an officer wants to know what you have on your person.
“Slavery’s over, I don’t own a person.”
6. Never say this when an officer say’s “Hello” to you.
“Ohhhhhhh crap, he’s onto me (start running away).”
7. Never say this when an officer tells you the park is closed.
“I’m not harming anyone officer, I’m just finding the perfect spot to pick up a child tomorrow aaaaand I got it, have a great night.”
8. Never say this to an officer when going through the metal detector at the local courthouse.
“I thought about brining my unlicensed AK-47 in as a scare tactic if things don’t go in my favor but then I took my meds and realized, that’s such a silly idea….I’ll just call in a fake bomb threat like any normal citizen would do.”
9. Never say this to an officer when giving a detailed report of what you saw at a crime scene.
“I’m telling you, it’s a guy that looks like me but isn’t me.”
10. Never say this to an officer when they ask you about your whereabouts.
“I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt but thanks for noticing.”
The Altoona KKK Team and the Bedford KKK Team were set to square off in a friendly game of football this past Saturday when an issue came up. “We can’t both wear white sheets, how will we know which team is which?” said Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid of the Bedford KKK branch.
Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid has been with the menial KKK group since he was a kid, he enjoys blind hatred and he doesn’t have any wizardry powers. “If I did have wizardry powers, there’d be no race wars” said Tim Stolid.
When informed about how his comment could be interpreted as peace between the races, Tim Stolid retracted his statement and said, “There’d be no race wars, if I did have wizardry powers”.
However, the issue of what to do about how they will recognize whose who on each side of the football game still persisted.
That’s when John Puerile of the Altoona KKK branch decided they should have away and home team colors. The home team would be white and the away team’s colors would be black.
This is where things fell apart, everyone became in such a ruckus that anyone would ever suggest wearing black.
“It’s completely offensive to what our beliefs are” said Bob Inane of the Altoona KKK branch.
To which we asked, “What beliefs?”.
Bob Inane said he’d have to go and ask his Grand Master Wizard what they were.
Steve Doltish of the Bedford KKK branch said, “I don’t even drink chocolate milk because it comes from a biracial cow”.
As the minutes ticked by, one person suggested they use the old method of white sheets vs skins but then someone reminded them that they’d look like sweaty Mexicans and that approach was canned.
Ideas went rapid for a good while with how to address this issue and that’s when someone pointed out that the football is brown colored. You could hear a burnt cross drop to the ground with how quiet everyone got.
“It was like that time someone asked me if I dreamed and I said “Yeah” and they told me that I now have something in common with Martin Luther King, Jr, then they told me that my poop was brown…..that last one rattled my brain for weeks but now this issue of the football being brown colored….how do we solve this issue?” said Devin Dim of the Altoona KKK branch.
At that moment, Andrew Obtuse of the Bedford KKK branch picked up the football and said, “It’s only a football”. That’s when the entire Altoona KKK branch shouted, “Race Traitor!!!!” and charged at the entire Bedford KKK branch.
Fists were flying, bones were breaking and egos were bruised as mother nature started to pour rain atop everyone, causing the ground to get muddy and wet. As the fight continued in the pouring rain, every member of the KKK branches were covered in mud. That’s when one of the Bedford KKK members noticed they all looked black. The fight immediately stopped and tears of sadness overcame everyone.
“I could never have fathomed in a million years that blackness was under our feet this whole time, how could Jesus do this to us”, cried Tobey Rash of the Altoona KKK branch.
That’s when Andrew Obtuse realized that Jesus was a Jew and that explained everything. Both sides cried out in pain and felt foolish for not seeing what’s been in front of them this whole time.
Minutes later, both KKK branches went home but not in their cars because the tires were black and not in their shoes because the soles were black but on their feet.
One can only hope that they’d be lost to time on that journey back because that’s where their ideals belong.
Kim Davis was sent to jail for 5 days but why she really went there is the real shocker.
Ever since Gay Marriage was passed in August of 2015, Kim Davis has been curious about another nail polished hand brushing against her bearded clam or even having her pastrami flaps licked clean.
“I wondered what all the hub bub was about with same sex relationships, like do I bring the adapter or does she? Or who goes out on a run for batteries when the adapter dies?”, said Kim Davis.
However, as a hardcore Christian, she didn’t want to penetrate through God’s will of what the institution of marriage is supposed to be about but thought that God does forgive and it would be a funny highlight reel moment when she goes to heaven as God and her discuss that random night of promiscuity.
So with that being said, Kim Davis set up a secret account on AshleyMadison.com under the alias “Scissor Sisters Unite”. However, no one replied back to her requests for a one night “Muff Dive” session.
“Then it hit me in the poody tat as I was watching a documentary about prison sex. I thought, that’s the way to go”, said Kim Davis. There was one problem though, Kim Davis didn’t know exactly what crime she would commit in order to go to jail. Lots of ideas entered her head like, “Collecting rain water during a drought”, “Overdue library books”, or “Changing a mannequin’s clothes at a retail store”.
Instead, Kim Davis went with the old classic, “help destroy another person’s life that has no affect on your life or the way you lead it but you feel it does because you get the creeps about the topic that you don’t understand but act as if you do and thus the only option is to rally other Christian supporters with feeble minds to hate another group of individuals based on the simple basis that pee pee’s and wookies should never touch anyone of the same gender”…in other words, stop accepting gay marriage licenses.
This is exactly what Kim Davis did the next day at work until she was thrown in jail for defying a U.S. Federal Court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
“As I was being hauled off to jail, my twatlantic ocean started buzzing with excitement as I got closer to the female ward section”, said Kim Davis.
Immediately as she got there, Kim Davis started sending out vibes that her beef curtains were looking for a pounding. Unfortunately, as the days went by, Kim Davis watched all the women have sex with each other and no one had sex with her.
“I felt depressed as if I was singled out as a close minded Christian”, said Kim Davis. Kim Davis even went as far as to getting completely naked, putting bars of soap up her republic of labia and shooting them out one by one as they skipped across the shower floors. “This did nothing for the ladies and it caused me to have a urinary tract infection”, said Kim Davis.
Only a few days later, she was notified by her legal council that September 9th was going to be her last day in jail. Kim Davis felt deeply saddened because she never got that lesbian experience she was looking for and when she felt like her finger warmer was backed up against a wall of self-defeat, Kim Davis got the biggest surprise ever.
“I was reading the bible when I was shanked repeatedly by a crucifix in the stink rink by another female inmate”, said Kim Davis. It was during this moment that Kim Davis felt a rush of orgasmic waves like no other, even to the point where she queefed. “I thanked the female inmate as the guards threw her to the ground”, said Kim Davis.
Upon having this moment, Kim Davis was ready to leave jail and secure her spot forever in the public eye as a woman whose mind is as bright as a darkened room with neon arrows leading towards a sign saying “Doesn’t Affect Your Life, Just Do Your Job You Twat”. But then she see’s a neon “X” mark flashing over a sign saying “Bigotry This Way”. And unlike Robert Frost, she didn’t choose “The Road Less Traveled”.
I am in the midst of editing, finalizing and uploading my web show "Obscure Atrocities" and with working 3 jobs, being a husband and father and house cleaner. I am finding it difficult to fit everything in at this moment in time. So I will cut out the blog articles for the next 2 weeks as I work on my web series. Once that is done, I will be back and if the moment strikes me right before the 2 weeks. I may just have something up and posted for you all to read. In the meantime, check out the promos for my web show "Obscure Atrocities" here http://obscureatrocities.weebly.com/ ....the full pilot plus episodes will come out Friday next week (August 28th, 2015).
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.