Caught Serial Killer Donates Wardrobe To Salvation Army, Has A Gut Feeling He Won’t Be Needing Them Anymore
Wisconsin – Jonathan Barlow is a convicted serial killer in the state of Wisconsin from the small town of Aurora. He murdered several men and women over a span of 2 weeks but he will be most remembered for his kind gesture. After receiving a life sentence, Jonathan Barlow contacted his lawyer and told him to donate all of his clothes to the Salvation Army because he had a hunch he’ll never need them again.
“If he didn’t murder lots of people, he seemed like a stand up guy” said Eric Moore (Jonathan Barlow’s attorney).
Several days passed and his lawyer arranged for a few volunteers to go into Jonathan Barlow’s house to retrieve his wardrobe and take it to the Salvation Army as his client requested. However, upon entering Jonathan Barlow’s home, they were not greeted with a dirty house full of blood smears, day old pancakes or satanic imagery.
“It was really quaint, in fact, one could call this home if it weren’t for it belonging to a serial killer” said Mark Ravage (volunteer).
As they searched the house, the volunteers stumbled into the living room where they found Jonathan Barlow’s DVD collection awe-inspiring.
“He was a great collector of some classic movies, I could see us kicking back a cold one and enjoying some of these…..but unfortunately, he was also a collector of human bodies, so that will never happen” said Stacy Collinger (volunteer).
As the volunteers ventured further into Jonathan Barlow’s house, they came across an Atari 2600.
“It’s like we were separated at birth, I have so much in common with this guy….well, besides the killing part” said Drew Darby (volunteer).
Eventually, the volunteers made their way into the bedroom and that’s when one of the volunteers saw the most horrific thing imaginable.
“Who would let a 1959 Cherry Sunburst Gibson Les Paul rot away inside a bedroom closet?....you just don’t do that…today, I lost all respect for Jonathan Barlow” said Ron Akers (volunteer).
Neighbors of Jonathan Barlow were shocked to find out he was a serial killer as well, simply because he was so nice and willing to help out his fellow neighbors at any time.
“He helped my husband build a patio deck but when the project was finished, my husband went missing. Poor Jonathan, he tried so hard to help me find him but the search continues,” said Brittany Newers (neighbor).
“I remember I wanted to install a new washer but Jonathan explained to me why it wouldn’t fit, it was like he knew the layout of my house but this is also the day my wife went missing,” said Tim Chippers (neighbor).
It would seem that Jonathan Barlow was in fact loved by so many and one could question as to why a normal man would commit such a heinous crime. Regardless, take this story as a warning, you truly never know someone until you’re gagged and tied up in their basement.
Atheist Boy Dies From Too Much Christmas Joy From A Starbucks Cup Because They Contain Magical Elf Dust
Andrew Landings, 15, died on Monday afternoon when his mother got him his favorite Starbucks drink for making the honor roll and winning the most participation trophy awards in his study hall.
His mother, Alice Landings, knew something was wrong when the Starbucks cashier handed her a red coffee cup.
“The man who handed it to me had a twinkle in his eye, his dimples were merry, his cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry” said Alice Landings.
Alice felt an uneasy feeling around the man as if she should put out warm milk and cookies for him. Alice even felt as if she should be happy and spread Christmas cheer but as a practicing atheist, she’s not allowed to be happy.
Alice told our reporters that she has a hunch that God isn’t real and instilled that belief in her children. But maybe a little bit of faith might have saved her from what was coming next or just simply not buying a stupid red Starbucks cup.
Anyways, once Alice Landings got back into her car, she gave the red Starbucks cup to her son and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
Andrew Landings took a sip from this red cup and he immediately became engulfed in strange knowledge of elf culture. He knew how to make snowballs, eat cookies without getting a stomachache and avoid toll roads.
Andrew became increasingly over joyous and started humming Christmas songs and looking up deals from competitors for holiday lights on his phone and then Andrew’s head exploded. In its place was a giant Candy Cane.
When the coroner came onto the scene, he knew immediately what was wrong.
“I’ve seen magical elf dust ruin people’s lives many times over…as a coroner, you get used to these kinds of things” said the Allentown, PA coroner.
The coroner did help the grieving mother (Alice Landings) by asking her if it was OK if he ate the Candy Cane.
As the police started investigating each Starbucks employee, they heard a clatter and raised their guns to see what was the matter.
“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen” called the Police Chief, who ordered them to investigate where the clatter came from.
They didn’t find the culprit that created the clatter but instead they found an employee corkboard that has 3 female staff members pictures on it marked as “Ho, Ho, Ho”.
The police were at another dead end and they knew who the culprit was but have been unable to catch him for years.
He only comes out of hiding during this time of the year to prey on atheists and his name rhymes with “Commercialism”, said Deputy Ron Clayton.
“He’s a white guy that climbs up and down people’s chimneys, to me, he’s a pervert and an atheist killer” said Police Chief Don Onstayer.
The police told Alice Landings that the only way they could catch her son’s killer is if she started to believe in Santa Claus.
And on that night, Alice Landings regained her Christmas spirit.
Well, I was not expecting the success of my Halloween One Liners that I posted up last week. I honestly did that to buy time to write a new fake journal article but since it was such a huge hit, I came up with 27 more Halloween jokes.
Yep, THAT’S 40 HALLOWEEN JOKES TOTAL.
I could basically take my time and say these all on stage for my own Halloween Comedy Special if I wanted to.
You can view the original 13 Halloween jokes from last week here http://thetowncrier.weebly.com/blog/halloween-party-jokes
Hopefully, some of these make you laugh and honestly, you probably won’t find many Halloween centered jokes online, except for here. Enjoy.
1. I went to see a psychic and she asked why I was here….I guess not all of them can be real.
2. I was so afraid of the dark when I was a kid because of what my parents told me….they even said they were scared of it to…..but it turns out….my neighbor was actually a cool guy.
3. For Trick or Treat night, I’m going to write “Life” on my T-shirt and hand out lemons.
4. I keep telling my roommate that there’s a demon in our house that’s trying to possess my body when I sleep….he said, “Surprise….I’m gay”.
5. I got a creepy call from a stranger saying in a muffled voice, “I know what you did last summer”….I traced the call and it turns out….Verizon is still pissed I dropped their services.
6. If you’re not supposed to eat humans, then why are they made of meat? – Cannibal
7. I heard a noise come from the basement and I was told that it’s my mind playing tricks on me and I said, “No dad…I can hear mom screaming”.
8. You know you take life too seriously when you need a buddy system for bobbing for apples.
9. Bad things happen to people who play the Ouija board….but in general, bad things happen to stupid people.
10. I think it’s funny that one house on a block is haunted out of all the other houses….I guess even in the afterlife, even ghosts have to abide by property lines.
11. I’m a lucky guy, my wife has the body of a teenager….that she keeps in the fridge.
12. Why does Michael Myers breathe so heavy under his mask? Is he constantly having an allergy attack?
13. I think the last person Freddy Krueger would want to go after in a dream is a pyromaniac.
14. If you have sex with a vampire…..wouldn’t that be considered necrophilia?
15. It’s hard being a ghost and having friends because you don’t get to see them all the time.
16. I think the real reason “Candyman” comes to haunt you after you say his name (3) times is to show you his hook hand and warn you about the physical costs of diabetes.
17. In the first “Saw” movie, a guy cuts his own leg off and crawls away saying he’s going to get help….he probably forgot about logic.
18. It might be hard to tell who would win best skeleton costume at a fashion show.
19. All the rooms in my house are haunted except for the living room.
20. 3:15 is the devil’s hour…but is that pacific or eastern time?
21. Favorite Church of Satan song…”Satan, why you always creepin around in the dark?”
22. I don’t think we should condemn the Church of Satan people, their only 2 steps away from being a regular war causing real religion. They just need to turn their cross right side up and believe in God.
23. I don’t know why anyone takes the time to look for ghosts when there are stores that have spirits.
24. I don’t know why they call “Mummies”, “Mummies”, when they look more like masking taped humans.
25. A friend of mine went into a supposedly haunted tunnel, flashed his lights 3 times, then turned them off and waited for a sign….I’ll always remember his courage.
26. The saying, “The company you keep”, should really be only used for serial killers.
27. What “Jaws” did for sharks, “The Walking Dead” did for every 2nd amendment redneck.
Well, there you have it, I hope you enjoyed them and use these jokes at your Halloween parties. But I will need them back after Halloween season is over….well, at least the good ones.
Halloween is approaching and everyone will soon be attending parties. If you want to impress people with your comedic timing or show just how odd you really are, use some of these jokes at your get together's.
1. I got so sick of trick or treaters during Halloween that I turned the lights out….in hindsight, no one should have given me a job as a lighthouse keeper.
2. I like to go trick or treating as a werewolf who hasn’t transformed yet.
3. A midget can go as the sci-fi creature “predator” and tell everyone that he’s a child predator.
4. I got a book on haunted cemeteries but I got confused by all the plots.
5. Jason Voorhes is a true momma’s boy….dude, killed a lot of people for his mama.
6. I hate Chucky, how can a little doll hurt you, kick it, hit it with a pillow, return it to K-mart.
7. Why does the Scream guy look like he’s about to go down on someone?
8. I feel that pinhead from hellraiser would be a good candidate to talk to construction workers about on the job accidents.
9. If zombies were real, there would be such a thing as “zombie shaming”….basically, it would be you putting a note around a zombie that says, “Ate my neighbor”.
10. The scariest Halloween costume would be male pattern baldness.
11. When he goes soft, just toss him out and get another one…..for the record, I was talking about pumpkins.
12. Trick Or Treat night is the best time to give out those bibles that were forced upon you by that stranger.
13. Remember “no” means “no” but if someone is dressed up pretending to be someone else, technically, aren’t they pretending to say “no”?
There you have it, go use these for your fun Halloween parties and after that, I’m going to need these back…well, not all of them, just the good ones.
I'm 29 years old and today I lost a dear friend of mine. We have been friends since I was a kid and it continued into adult hood. My imaginary friend "Marco" died suddenly last night when my wife told me to grow up.
We will be having a closed casket funeral for him later this week at an imaginary location followed by imaginary refreshments at my place.
Also, apparently insurance policies don't cover imaginary friends. I'm in a real jam and would appreciate anything you can give that can actually be held in my hand, go in my wallet, has a president on it and can be used in any store to cover the costs of the funeral.
And if you tell one friend and they give and they tell another friend they also give and so on and so on. I will be able to afford this funeral bill.
Basically, you can write this off on your taxes in the donation part and get what you give back. So really, what's stopping you from giving more?
Once I have enough funds from your kind donations. I will be creating a foundation for people who have lost "Imaginary Friends" in hopes that we can find them or eradicate adulthood.
Once this foundation has been put in place. Each person that gives will be in charge of their own city district where it's their responsibility to recruit more members to donate. I know this sounds like a "Pyramid Scheme" but it's not. In fact, no "Pyramids" are involved whatsoever.
So please, donate now www.imaginaryfriendsforlife.com or call this number 1-800-782-5378.
Human beings are so afraid of death and on some level were selfish pricks about it. For example, have you ever seen a funeral procession drive by and think....thank god it’s no one I know?
Another way we’re selfish pricks about death is that we like to keep loved ones on life support for weeks. Why? Because they had so much more time.....he’s 96, what great thing could he have missed out on besides 2 girls one cup.
The only people not afraid of death are mass suicide people. They meet their maker in an 8oz glass of kool-aid.
You know, I’ve always wondered what it would take to get a group of people to commit suicide together? Did they get rid of casual Fridays at work or are they just all married men and this was the only way out?
Also, has there ever been a person who has had second thoughts as everyone’s drinking from the cup at the same time? Like the person just tips the cup back to make it appear as if he’s drinking it and everyone around him dies and later he tells the police for why he’s the only survivor, “we agreed to a count system, no one counted down, I said Ezekiel are we counting down and he said yes, they all mentally counted, I don’t do mental count downs, I only do out loud count downs”.
I will say that if you wanna ruin the day for a farmer, a mass load of people dead in his corn fields is one way to do it.
But back to death, another reason people are afraid of death is because they want to accomplish their dreams. Saddam and Bin Laden didn’t get theirs, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
I've even heard people say stupid reasons for why they don’t want to die over the years like “I better not die before my yoga class, my back really needs it”….trust me, you’re back will feel better than ever once you die.
But death is something we don't like to talk about in society and it was hard for me grasp onto when I was younger.
My first dose of death was when my grandfather passed away and even before he died, I always thought he was dead because he couldn’t hear, couldn’t taste, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t walk and just slept....pretty much text book for the word “Dead”.
When he did die, I was so young, I didn’t understand, you don’t get it when everyone’s telling you a loved one has moved onto a better place and then you see this place. It’s not so great. People can only visit you one at a time, there’s no room for them to move around in and the drapes on the closing wall is horrendous. I remember thinking, grandpa even looked pale, so I rubbed instant tanning lotion on him....he ended up looking like a dead carrot instead.
When you see dead people at funeral’s, their always mildly smiling as if to say “Eh, thing’s could be better”. Smiling let’s you know everything’s alright, if that’s the case, then give me a jackolantern smile when I die....it’ll probably freak everyone out but at least you’ll know I’m alright.
Hell, why should we stop at humans, let’s get road kill while we’re at it, "look dad a chipmunk", "oh, he’s alright, look, he’s smiling".
The funny thing is that African tribes don’t put a smile on their dead, they just lay them down on a pile of sticks and burn it. Now that’s more eco friendly, burn the dead and you save forest land, then you don’t have to waste a wooden box that could have been used for the next Stephen King novel.
Besides the actual circumstance of death, the only other creepy factor is the funeral parlor, man are they just creepy. Actually, someone once told me that funeral parlor’s would be less creepy if dead people weren’t there.....yeah, it’d be called a house.
And what’s with funeral music. Funeral music is the worst kind of music ever. If someone didn't know what funeral music was, just tell them to take all the heartaches and lowest points of their life and smash them down into an MP3....you have funeral music.
They do say that music can affect your mood so it’d be weird if someone had funeral music on their IPod while driving.....this is a nice song and now I’ve suddenly have the urge to wonder how much carbon monoxide my car puts out…oh look, a garage.
I think it’d be even weirder if someone used funeral music as a pump up for working out....."what you listening to?"....."that new rap artist “flippyflopz”, you?"....."stevens and sons mortuary".
I’d really lose it if a funeral song became a hot 100 hit…I know you’re dying for it, here’s stevens and sons mortuary hit “Identify me, embalm me, see you in heaven”, with special vocals from god.
I do wish there was some sort of smell that would let you know whether or not a loved one went to heaven or hell...."(sniff) you smell that"..."yeah, grandpa smells crispy, we know where he went".
Honestly, we already pre-concieve everyones going to hell by lowering their body into the ground or else we’d shoot their lifeless corpse into space to be with the heavens.
Of course, this is all if you believe unless you’re an.....”atheist"...."Ughh, just put a twig over my dead body and a flower will grow”....cheer up, my god, I swear they started the emo movement.....stop being depressed, take your Zoloft and pray to your plants.....if you’re so sure there’s nothing beyond this realm, then live our your life....."what’s wrong?"....."I’m atheist"...."so you have proof god doesn’t exist?"...."no.....it’s just a hunch".
Regardless, whether you believe or not, I hope I accomplish great things before I die. I don’t want my life story to read, "he worked at adult world for 11 years....he was the best battery to accessory salesman".
The point of all this is......don't take drugs while sleep deprived and watch a documentary about the death, dying and the after life.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.