Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Each year, thousands of American citizens go to war against each other to get materialistic things they don’t need, right after they are thankful for everything they already have only hours earlier on thanksgiving. That day is called Black Friday.
Black Friday is a day of simple rules; you wait in line, get the amazing sale and return home a warrior to your family.
However, on this day last year, those rules were challenged by a Native American man who felt wronged by the system.
“I put up my teepee, camped out and waited for mother Best Buy to open. I made friends with a white man and I showed him how to reboot his phone so he could show his other white friends how to do the same. Then morning came and the white man invaded my space by leaping in front of my spot in line” said Alawa Paqua.
Alawa Paqua felt shamed because he knows all too well about the white man’s past with his people. “They always seem nice at first but then they cut in line year after year. How am I supposed to go back to my family and tell them I let a white man take the 5th spot for a free 55 Inch Samsung LED TV”.
Tired of being wronged by the white man, Alawa Paqua decided to cut in line to the rightful spot of land that he deserved. That’s when all the other people in line started to get rowdy.
“They have a reserved spot for people like him and it’s now in the back of the line” said one patron waiting outside.
“I’m from out of the country” said one black man as he witnessed the incident taking place.
Alawa Paqua knew he was out numbered and needed to call in reinforcements. An hour later, a clan of Native Americans with war paint on drove up and cut right up to the front of the line.
“History has taught us that our people were here before you and that’s why we need to get a great deal on electronic devices” said Goga Mawalu. However, the white customers in this line felt otherwise and devised an atrocious act for when Best Buy would open.
Much like the white man did to the buffalo, they did to the flat screen TV’s on this day. “They massacred all of them for no other reason than to not allow me to watch a Redskins football game on a 55 inch LED TV” said Alawa Paqua.
One Native American turned his head and a lone tear came out as he held a doorbusters coupon book in his hand.
So for this Black Friday, if you see a Native American in line, give him your spot, it’s the least you could do as reparations for their people.
Atheist Boy Dies From Too Much Christmas Joy From A Starbucks Cup Because They Contain Magical Elf Dust
Andrew Landings, 15, died on Monday afternoon when his mother got him his favorite Starbucks drink for making the honor roll and winning the most participation trophy awards in his study hall.
His mother, Alice Landings, knew something was wrong when the Starbucks cashier handed her a red coffee cup.
“The man who handed it to me had a twinkle in his eye, his dimples were merry, his cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry” said Alice Landings.
Alice felt an uneasy feeling around the man as if she should put out warm milk and cookies for him. Alice even felt as if she should be happy and spread Christmas cheer but as a practicing atheist, she’s not allowed to be happy.
Alice told our reporters that she has a hunch that God isn’t real and instilled that belief in her children. But maybe a little bit of faith might have saved her from what was coming next or just simply not buying a stupid red Starbucks cup.
Anyways, once Alice Landings got back into her car, she gave the red Starbucks cup to her son and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
Andrew Landings took a sip from this red cup and he immediately became engulfed in strange knowledge of elf culture. He knew how to make snowballs, eat cookies without getting a stomachache and avoid toll roads.
Andrew became increasingly over joyous and started humming Christmas songs and looking up deals from competitors for holiday lights on his phone and then Andrew’s head exploded. In its place was a giant Candy Cane.
When the coroner came onto the scene, he knew immediately what was wrong.
“I’ve seen magical elf dust ruin people’s lives many times over…as a coroner, you get used to these kinds of things” said the Allentown, PA coroner.
The coroner did help the grieving mother (Alice Landings) by asking her if it was OK if he ate the Candy Cane.
As the police started investigating each Starbucks employee, they heard a clatter and raised their guns to see what was the matter.
“Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen” called the Police Chief, who ordered them to investigate where the clatter came from.
They didn’t find the culprit that created the clatter but instead they found an employee corkboard that has 3 female staff members pictures on it marked as “Ho, Ho, Ho”.
The police were at another dead end and they knew who the culprit was but have been unable to catch him for years.
He only comes out of hiding during this time of the year to prey on atheists and his name rhymes with “Commercialism”, said Deputy Ron Clayton.
“He’s a white guy that climbs up and down people’s chimneys, to me, he’s a pervert and an atheist killer” said Police Chief Don Onstayer.
The police told Alice Landings that the only way they could catch her son’s killer is if she started to believe in Santa Claus.
And on that night, Alice Landings regained her Christmas spirit.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.