I am a huge fan of "The Office" and I decided to help jump start some kind of wave to get people excited and petitioning for a "reunion" episode.
I wrote this sketch as part of my submission packet for this season. The premise is simple, Donald Trump is a puppet as his possessed evil hair is the one whose controlling him.
Metallica’s new album (Hardwired…To Self Destruct) which has been in the making for 8 years now, is scheduled to come out on Friday November 18, 2016. In support of the album, Metallica is going on a mini-tour to promote it for the 13th anniversary of the self-critically acclaimed “St. Anger” album. Here are the tour dates listed below.
Children’s Hospital of Michigan November 19, 2016
Larry Gold, President of the Children’s Hospital of Michigan gave a release statement about Metallica’s involvement performing the entire “St. Anger” album at his hospital.
“Haven’t the children suffered enough”, Larry Gold.
Some children are expected to make a miraculous recovery before Metallica arrives to perform the album in its entirety.
Vatican – Pope Francis has received word today that Jesus is set to come back to earth but not by a shinning bright light coming out of the open sky. Instead, he will be floating down to earth on a cloud of kittens. Apparently, this is due to the fact that no one will listen or care about you unless you have a kitten in your hand.
“I’m the son of God, you’d think that’d be enough for my children but no….they just want to see cute little kittens….those kittens didn’t sacrifice their life for your forgiveness…I did but you do have free will, so whatever” quoted Pope Francis of his conversation with Jesus.
If this is indeed true, then Jesus will finally break his Guinness World Record streak of “Procrastination” for when someone say’s their coming back.
“If Jesus is really coming back, then the last supper wasn’t the last supper, it was just that one awkward Thanksgiving” said one person in the street.
Atheists are still holding their doubt but a recent poll shows that most of them will convert if confronted by Jesus. “I have a hunch that none of this is real and it’s backed up by no scientific proof and is based merely on faith, just like religion” said Brendan Myers a proud atheist working at the lumber mill.
Even Satanist worshippers have chimed in on social media with their reactions.
“Wal-Mart will remain open and in fact are having “2nd Coming” discounted sales from now until Jesus’ arrival”, said Carl Douglas McMillon (Wal-Mart CEO).
In related news, a study conducted by Harvard shows that most of society has not read the Bible but Cliff Notes sales for the Bible have increased dramatically. If you’re one of many who have not read the Bible, get your Cliff Notes Bible copy today.
Iowa – Congress, NASA, NATO and other high ranking individuals around the world got together yesterday and have deemed that the moon is offensive. Demolition of the moon is scheduled to happen sometime this summer. This comes from a response from sensitive college students with ongoing acme issues that have been called “Crater Face”. They felt that if the moon would go away, no one would be able to use the craters of the moon to describe their embarrassing acme issues.
Many have questioned as to why the biggest leaders of the world would agree to the demolition of the moon.
“We were just trying to save face” said one Attorney General.
“Listen, these kids today go through so much stuff like failed selfies to constantly being bombarded by cute kitten videos to having people just give them what they want all the time….they just need a safe space because words can hurt. God forbid they ever read a dictionary, they would just crumble if they knew what kinds of words were in there” said Vladimir Puttin.
However, the people that will be most affected by the demolition of the moon are werewolves.
“If you take away the moon, you take away my identity, I thought political correctness was against taking away others identities through harm to others?” said Don Lyken (assumed werewolf).
In response to this, one of the sensitive college students made a comment.
“What? Theirs werewolves?” said Lauren Colley (super sensitive student).
No more will werewolves be able to transform from human to wolf nor will they be able to howl at the moon. Instead, they will stay in human form and pretend to howl out at moon pictures online like a rabid dog of their former selves.
The only other dire consequences from demolishing the moon is that the churning of the oceans and circulation of nutrients ceases, water based life struggle to survive and millions of species go extinct. Earth will change rotation and wobble causing our seasons to go into turmoil and the earth will now swing around the sun in a wild, unstable and fluctuating orbit.
“But at least everyone will be safer now” said Jake McCuthery (extremely sensitive student).
Please share this story with any of your sensitive politically correct friends or family.
Caught Serial Killer Donates Wardrobe To Salvation Army, Has A Gut Feeling He Won’t Be Needing Them Anymore
Wisconsin – Jonathan Barlow is a convicted serial killer in the state of Wisconsin from the small town of Aurora. He murdered several men and women over a span of 2 weeks but he will be most remembered for his kind gesture. After receiving a life sentence, Jonathan Barlow contacted his lawyer and told him to donate all of his clothes to the Salvation Army because he had a hunch he’ll never need them again.
“If he didn’t murder lots of people, he seemed like a stand up guy” said Eric Moore (Jonathan Barlow’s attorney).
Several days passed and his lawyer arranged for a few volunteers to go into Jonathan Barlow’s house to retrieve his wardrobe and take it to the Salvation Army as his client requested. However, upon entering Jonathan Barlow’s home, they were not greeted with a dirty house full of blood smears, day old pancakes or satanic imagery.
“It was really quaint, in fact, one could call this home if it weren’t for it belonging to a serial killer” said Mark Ravage (volunteer).
As they searched the house, the volunteers stumbled into the living room where they found Jonathan Barlow’s DVD collection awe-inspiring.
“He was a great collector of some classic movies, I could see us kicking back a cold one and enjoying some of these…..but unfortunately, he was also a collector of human bodies, so that will never happen” said Stacy Collinger (volunteer).
As the volunteers ventured further into Jonathan Barlow’s house, they came across an Atari 2600.
“It’s like we were separated at birth, I have so much in common with this guy….well, besides the killing part” said Drew Darby (volunteer).
Eventually, the volunteers made their way into the bedroom and that’s when one of the volunteers saw the most horrific thing imaginable.
“Who would let a 1959 Cherry Sunburst Gibson Les Paul rot away inside a bedroom closet?....you just don’t do that…today, I lost all respect for Jonathan Barlow” said Ron Akers (volunteer).
Neighbors of Jonathan Barlow were shocked to find out he was a serial killer as well, simply because he was so nice and willing to help out his fellow neighbors at any time.
“He helped my husband build a patio deck but when the project was finished, my husband went missing. Poor Jonathan, he tried so hard to help me find him but the search continues,” said Brittany Newers (neighbor).
“I remember I wanted to install a new washer but Jonathan explained to me why it wouldn’t fit, it was like he knew the layout of my house but this is also the day my wife went missing,” said Tim Chippers (neighbor).
It would seem that Jonathan Barlow was in fact loved by so many and one could question as to why a normal man would commit such a heinous crime. Regardless, take this story as a warning, you truly never know someone until you’re gagged and tied up in their basement.
St. Louis – The Bennington family recently went big game hunting in Africa because hunting deer with ticks was no longer safe said Dan Bennington (father). When they arrived in Africa, they immediately were bored.
“When we landed, our chauffeur took us to the private hunting ground where we saw countless wild animals….it was completely boring” said Steven Bennington (son).
The Bennington family then went into their private rooms which were decorated with artifacts of the tribes around them and with an obscure amount of animal heads mounted on the walls but they were still completely bored.
“Do they even have wi-fi or satellite TV?” said Kim Bennington (mother).
It took only a half hour later when the camp ground leader took the family out big game hunting. The Bennington family had such high hopes but were less than amused by the animal tracker taking them to kill a lion.
“First off, the animal tracker guy didn’t even speak English and secondly, who wants to kill a lion? Talk about boring, I could have just watched a YouTube video.” said Dan Bennington.
"I thought we were going to hunt a Leprechaun or a Megalodon" said Kim Bennington.
The Bennington family didn’t have to wait for long though, a lion emerged from the grass field and they were instructed to go after it. Steven Bennington quickly shot it and then proceeded to get out of the safety vehicle.
“I was bored and I had like a genius idea and that was to prop up against this dead lion like a bean bag and just play some games on my IPad….maybe even get a nice tan” said Steven Bennington.
“I couldn’t believe it, our son shouldn’t just be going to a trade school, he should reach even higher with brilliant ideas like this. Who would have known lions are best utilized as comfy make shift bean bags” said Kim Bennington.
“Our son saved the whole entire trip from boredom by doing this, god could you have imagined just how boring this trip could have been without that brilliant idea” said Dan Bennington.
The animal tracker repeatedly told them to get back into the safety vehicle but the Bennington family refused as day turned into night. Fearing his own safety, the animal tracker returned back to his camp lodge.
The next morning the entire Bennington family was found to be murdered by a pack of hyenas. The good news is, the private hunting ground gained complimentary IPads for the next family that is bored. The bad news is, this story was put together by all the social media posts from the Bennington family. Further proving, modern societies addiction to social media and electronic devices are killing our culture. For instance, this is Steven Bennington's last social media post before his death.
“Yo this Hyena is eating me alive, taking forever, soooooo bored #YOLO” - Steven Bennington.
Michigan – Jonathan Kling lost his gift receipt for his khaki pants he got from his in-laws on Christmas night. Jonathan Kling did not like the khaki pants and wanted them returned. Jonathan Kling said he looked very hard one time with an eye glance in the gift box they came in and gave up.
It wasn’t until Jonathan Kling reluctantly wore the khaki pants at the urging of his wife that he found the gift receipt in the pocket. Feeling elated, he promptly ripped them off but then noticed the gift receipt was dated “2” years ago and these khaki pants were re-gifted by his in-laws.
Philadelphia, PA – Phillip Deckland (17) has transformed his body from overweight teenager into a Hollywood beach body by using the new dieting fad called “Crushing Puss”. This new fad is mostly for teenagers that see attractive women but because of their oversize weight, the attractive women don’t see them. This causes them to discover that it’s because of the athletic men in the school that are taking away all the attractive women with their circular pocket patch rumbles on their stomach and their almost mentally challenged demeanor masked by an athletic performance so no one will know attitude.
Upon realizing this, Phillip Deckland dropped from 325 pounds to 185 pounds, honor student to academically impaired and began using “No one understands me because I have a perfect body and a tiny mind full of riddles” mystique about himself that high school girls find attractive and to a lesser extent, some adult women.
Since then, his family has seen a decline in his participation with their family movie nights. Grace Deckland (mother) sat down with her son to discuss if it’s something they did wrong but her son (Phillip) told her that he’s just too busy anymore crushing pussy.
“I thought my son was out for all hours of the night killing cats and I raised a murderer but only to find out that “Crushing Pussy” means to have sex a lot” – said Grace Deckland.
Bob Deckland (father) is not concerned and is in fact jealous.
“I crushed one puss and I married it, I thought that was how it worked with your sister” – said Bob Deckland.
If you liked this article, we would like to encourage you to read the sequel to this called “College, none of this shit matters”.
Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.