This is my last post for the year. It was great re-starting this blog and making it better than ever. I have been grateful for all the positive feedback from the new take on how to do this blog properly with satire fake articles, funny lists, opinionated articles and true stories I have shared.
I will be busy next week for Christmas and the following week for the New Year but I will be back the 2nd week of January. Until then, here are some Christmas jokes for you.
1. I went to buy a Christmas tree today and the store associate asked me, "Hey man, will you be putting this up yourself" and I said, "nah, just in the living room".
2. I think people think I'm trans-gendered because I keep getting Christmas cards made out to "Mr. & Mrs. SK Comedian".
3. We play "Secret Santa" at our office. When I drew a certain person, I knew exactly what to get them. When the day came to give this secret gift to a certain someone, the building burned down....you're welcome me.
4. My mom never understands the theme of our family Christmas parties....especially the part about why we're all wearing her sweaters.
5. Christmas shopping is great for me during this time of the year because I can quickly close my laptop when my wife enters the room and I don't get a disgusted look from her.
6. Going to grandmas new house for Christmas was horrible...I mean...how fun can it really be standing over a granite slab.
7. During this time of the year, people always like to say "Tis the Season"....for what?....Not, knowing how to finish a sentence?
8. Christmas mass should always include a live baby delivery....So everyone feels the authenticity that childbirth in front of stangers is a bit awkward.
9. They say we need to keep "Christ" in "Christmas" but it could also be said we need to keep "Chris" in "Christmas"...who Chris is...I don't know...but he needs to be remembered.
10. I have a lot of good memories during this time of the year, like I remember one time being so excited to open my presents that I walked into my parents room on Christmas eve and my mom yelled at me to wait for Santa to come....then he got dressed and left.
Each year on Christmas day, children eagerly wake up to receive gifts from Santa Claus. What they don’t know is, they are unknowingly helping to harbor modern day slavery masked as a kind gesture from a fat bearded white man with an uncontrollable urge to eat cookies off a plate you leave out for him.
What the general population doesn’t know is that elves work 52 weeks a year, working anywhere between 40 to 60 hours with no mandated union policies. Meal breaks are given every 8 hours and the only vacation day they get is on Christmas day.
When a loved one passes away, they are only given 3 days to get over it and then immediately have to get back to work. Also, pregnant elves are only given 4 weeks off for maternity leave. If you’re sick for more than 3 days, you need an elfing excuse from your elfing doctor. In addition, children elves must now be acquired to pass a mandated elf test in elf school, which tests their ability to make toys as quick as they can. By this notion, they are preparing them for a life time of working slavery.
What’s more concerning is that elves survive on Christmas spirit but unfortunately, the reality of this is that only 1 percent of the elf population controls the wealth of Christmas spirit, the rest of the 99 percent of the working elf population barely gets any Christmas spirit to survive on. Santa Claus assistance is granted to those who need it most but then this creates a stronghold on how Santa Claus can control your life.
Santa Care is a healthcare plan for all working elves but to get it, you have to work and give a portion of your Christmas spirit to the reindeer so they can fly.
Also, factory conditions at the north pole are a common problem with no regulations for safety simply because only children believe in elves and Santa Claus but they are too small to help fight for radical change.
So why are we turning a blind eye to all of this?
It’s simple, adult human beings are programmed to believe Santa Claus and his elves are all made up as they get older. This then in return allows only a limited amount of high ranking government officials in select countries an opportunity to allow Santa Claus to do what he wants with the elves as long as they get something in return.
This is where the worst part comes in, the elf coop. The elf coop is where female elves are stacked inside a cage side by side while the cage shakes the magical elf dust off them. From there, Santa gets kick backs from select countries governments for allowing them to harness the magical elf dust to be used in modern warfare and in return, Santa Claus gets to keep a monopoly stronghold on the gift giving market. All while, we turn a blind eye to this madness.
In the early 2000’s, the market for needing Santa Claus dropped as people became less than enthused with the holiday seasons. To keep the magical elf dust coming for all nations, former American President George W. Bush led the charge by giving out large sums of money to the American people and ordered them to shop to help keep the commercialism of Christmas alive. This proved to be a success and Christmas has been getting stronger since with online sales and extended Black Friday hours being pushed into Thanksgiving.
In the end, as long as we continue to buy toys for our children and let Santa Claus deliver special gifts to our youth. We are encouraging terrorism and modern slavery to continue under the regime of the “Santa Claus”.
Pittsburgh native comedian “Jerry Wrighthour” finally got the moment every comedian can’t wait to get out of their mouths and that’s a great dick joke. Jerry Wrighthour has spent years of trying to figure out a unique way to tell a hilarious original dick joke but he kept coming up short when compared to his fellow comedian friends.
“My dick joke is about 8 minutes long” said comedian Jordan Deters.
“My dick joke is an average 6 minutes long” said comedian Dave Bribsy.
But the reigning champ of dick jokes belongs to Joey Chase.
“His is so long, no one can touch it…it’s the most unique thing I’ve ever seen” said comedian Ryan Stouter.
Joey Chase has a 12 minute dick joke which is the equivalent to one ruler or a dinner plate chock full of dick jokes ready to be consumed by a mouth or in this case, inside an ear.
But for Jerry Wrighthour, none of this mattered because he set a goal for himself and didn’t care what others had to say. Some people told him that his dick jokes were too soft but Jerry knew his were hard and just needed to stroke some of the wordings to get it going.
Last night, at a local pub for an open mic night, Jerry planned on doing 5 minutes of dick jokes he was sure that would be successful but he was only able to muster up 30 seconds worth.
“I blew it early, I’ll have to swallow this one and get back at it again” said Jerry Wrighthour.
Jerry did leave some people satisfied as some patrons came over to him after the open mic show and congratulated him on that great dick joke he told. That’s when Jerry realized he did it, he nailed a great dick joke. Sure, not all of them were winners but that first one worked and it was the one to measure up against as he continues to make more dick jokes.
“I know I can stretch it out longer now if I shave off the fluff and extend the main shaft of the dick joke that worked into a fully blossomed bit” said Jerry Wrighthour. Hopefully, Jerry can do this with a hot crowd and not a cold one that won’t be as receptive to his future dick jokes because Jerry knows, it can be longer.
And if you’re still reading this, I believe mine is about this long from top to bottom. If you don’t believe me, just know I own a truck and maybe that will explain it.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.