Well, I was not expecting the success of my Halloween One Liners that I posted up last week. I honestly did that to buy time to write a new fake journal article but since it was such a huge hit, I came up with 27 more Halloween jokes.
Yep, THAT’S 40 HALLOWEEN JOKES TOTAL.
I could basically take my time and say these all on stage for my own Halloween Comedy Special if I wanted to.
You can view the original 13 Halloween jokes from last week here http://thetowncrier.weebly.com/blog/halloween-party-jokes
Hopefully, some of these make you laugh and honestly, you probably won’t find many Halloween centered jokes online, except for here. Enjoy.
1. I went to see a psychic and she asked why I was here….I guess not all of them can be real.
2. I was so afraid of the dark when I was a kid because of what my parents told me….they even said they were scared of it to…..but it turns out….my neighbor was actually a cool guy.
3. For Trick or Treat night, I’m going to write “Life” on my T-shirt and hand out lemons.
4. I keep telling my roommate that there’s a demon in our house that’s trying to possess my body when I sleep….he said, “Surprise….I’m gay”.
5. I got a creepy call from a stranger saying in a muffled voice, “I know what you did last summer”….I traced the call and it turns out….Verizon is still pissed I dropped their services.
6. If you’re not supposed to eat humans, then why are they made of meat? – Cannibal
7. I heard a noise come from the basement and I was told that it’s my mind playing tricks on me and I said, “No dad…I can hear mom screaming”.
8. You know you take life too seriously when you need a buddy system for bobbing for apples.
9. Bad things happen to people who play the Ouija board….but in general, bad things happen to stupid people.
10. I think it’s funny that one house on a block is haunted out of all the other houses….I guess even in the afterlife, even ghosts have to abide by property lines.
11. I’m a lucky guy, my wife has the body of a teenager….that she keeps in the fridge.
12. Why does Michael Myers breathe so heavy under his mask? Is he constantly having an allergy attack?
13. I think the last person Freddy Krueger would want to go after in a dream is a pyromaniac.
14. If you have sex with a vampire…..wouldn’t that be considered necrophilia?
15. It’s hard being a ghost and having friends because you don’t get to see them all the time.
16. I think the real reason “Candyman” comes to haunt you after you say his name (3) times is to show you his hook hand and warn you about the physical costs of diabetes.
17. In the first “Saw” movie, a guy cuts his own leg off and crawls away saying he’s going to get help….he probably forgot about logic.
18. It might be hard to tell who would win best skeleton costume at a fashion show.
19. All the rooms in my house are haunted except for the living room.
20. 3:15 is the devil’s hour…but is that pacific or eastern time?
21. Favorite Church of Satan song…”Satan, why you always creepin around in the dark?”
22. I don’t think we should condemn the Church of Satan people, their only 2 steps away from being a regular war causing real religion. They just need to turn their cross right side up and believe in God.
23. I don’t know why anyone takes the time to look for ghosts when there are stores that have spirits.
24. I don’t know why they call “Mummies”, “Mummies”, when they look more like masking taped humans.
25. A friend of mine went into a supposedly haunted tunnel, flashed his lights 3 times, then turned them off and waited for a sign….I’ll always remember his courage.
26. The saying, “The company you keep”, should really be only used for serial killers.
27. What “Jaws” did for sharks, “The Walking Dead” did for every 2nd amendment redneck.
Well, there you have it, I hope you enjoyed them and use these jokes at your Halloween parties. But I will need them back after Halloween season is over….well, at least the good ones.
Halloween is approaching and everyone will soon be attending parties. If you want to impress people with your comedic timing or show just how odd you really are, use some of these jokes at your get together's.
1. I got so sick of trick or treaters during Halloween that I turned the lights out….in hindsight, no one should have given me a job as a lighthouse keeper.
2. I like to go trick or treating as a werewolf who hasn’t transformed yet.
3. A midget can go as the sci-fi creature “predator” and tell everyone that he’s a child predator.
4. I got a book on haunted cemeteries but I got confused by all the plots.
5. Jason Voorhes is a true momma’s boy….dude, killed a lot of people for his mama.
6. I hate Chucky, how can a little doll hurt you, kick it, hit it with a pillow, return it to K-mart.
7. Why does the Scream guy look like he’s about to go down on someone?
8. I feel that pinhead from hellraiser would be a good candidate to talk to construction workers about on the job accidents.
9. If zombies were real, there would be such a thing as “zombie shaming”….basically, it would be you putting a note around a zombie that says, “Ate my neighbor”.
10. The scariest Halloween costume would be male pattern baldness.
11. When he goes soft, just toss him out and get another one…..for the record, I was talking about pumpkins.
12. Trick Or Treat night is the best time to give out those bibles that were forced upon you by that stranger.
13. Remember “no” means “no” but if someone is dressed up pretending to be someone else, technically, aren’t they pretending to say “no”?
There you have it, go use these for your fun Halloween parties and after that, I’m going to need these back…well, not all of them, just the good ones.
A lot of men don’t know it but they just went through their monthly man period. Not a lot of men are aware that this can happen to them but it’s about as common as just being a man. We don’t bleed out like women do and if you happen to bleed out of your male privates, please see a doctor, this is not a monthly man period, something is seriously wrong with you.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Well, how do I know if I have a man period?”
HOLD UP, HOLY CRAP, WE ARE GETTING TO THAT, WOULD YOU JUST GIVE US A SECOND TO GATHER OUR THOUGHTS…..
Ok, sorry about that, but let’s brush up on what man periods are really called. Man periods are called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) and it’s caused by the testosterone levels being dropped in the male. This can cause him to be angry, irritable, depressed or anxious.
So what are the signs that a man is going through his man period? And how can you treat it?
First off, let’s show you what the signs are.
1. A man wearing shades and whimpering during braveheart.
2. A man eating part of a chimichanga and saving it for later.
3. A man passing up the opportunity to use his free redbox rental coupon.
4. A man not laughing at a Chuck Norris joke.
5. A man finding no comfort with a Macho Man Randy Savage impersonation.
6. A man passes by the beef jerky section at the grocery store.
7. A man takes a 5 minute dump.
8. A man looks at a piece of lumber wood and thinks heavily about returning it to it’s mother.
9. A man actually dresses himself in appropriate matching attire.
10. A man looks at a woman and sees her as an equal.
11. A man claims he’s going to start changing his life around.
12. A man acts normal when getting a cold instead of hovering in a corner by himself detached from the world with a cough and sniffles.
Here’s how you can help treat a man suffering from his man period.
1. Laugh at him and tell him he’s on his man period.
There you have it, now you know exactly how to diagnose and treat man periods. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel like Uncle Feminine is coming to town.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.