Here’s a list of things you should never say to a police officer for fun no matter what the situation is.
1. Never say this when walking up to a police officer
“ Can you hold this knife for me, it’s only been used once? God rest his soul.”
2. Never say this when an officer walks up to you.
“Well great, now that you’re here, this deal isn’t happening at all now.”
3. Never say this to an officer during a DUI check when they tell you to walk a line.
“Can I snort it instead?”
4. Never say this to an officer when being pulled over for speeding.
“I’m glad you’re only pulling me over for a speeding violation, I thought it was because of what I have in my trunk.”
5. Never say this when an officer wants to know what you have on your person.
“Slavery’s over, I don’t own a person.”
6. Never say this when an officer say’s “Hello” to you.
“Ohhhhhhh crap, he’s onto me (start running away).”
7. Never say this when an officer tells you the park is closed.
“I’m not harming anyone officer, I’m just finding the perfect spot to pick up a child tomorrow aaaaand I got it, have a great night.”
8. Never say this to an officer when going through the metal detector at the local courthouse.
“I thought about brining my unlicensed AK-47 in as a scare tactic if things don’t go in my favor but then I took my meds and realized, that’s such a silly idea….I’ll just call in a fake bomb threat like any normal citizen would do.”
9. Never say this to an officer when giving a detailed report of what you saw at a crime scene.
“I’m telling you, it’s a guy that looks like me but isn’t me.”
10. Never say this to an officer when they ask you about your whereabouts.
“I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt but thanks for noticing.”
The Altoona KKK Team and the Bedford KKK Team were set to square off in a friendly game of football this past Saturday when an issue came up. “We can’t both wear white sheets, how will we know which team is which?” said Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid of the Bedford KKK branch.
Grand Master Wizard Tim Stolid has been with the menial KKK group since he was a kid, he enjoys blind hatred and he doesn’t have any wizardry powers. “If I did have wizardry powers, there’d be no race wars” said Tim Stolid.
When informed about how his comment could be interpreted as peace between the races, Tim Stolid retracted his statement and said, “There’d be no race wars, if I did have wizardry powers”.
However, the issue of what to do about how they will recognize whose who on each side of the football game still persisted.
That’s when John Puerile of the Altoona KKK branch decided they should have away and home team colors. The home team would be white and the away team’s colors would be black.
This is where things fell apart, everyone became in such a ruckus that anyone would ever suggest wearing black.
“It’s completely offensive to what our beliefs are” said Bob Inane of the Altoona KKK branch.
To which we asked, “What beliefs?”.
Bob Inane said he’d have to go and ask his Grand Master Wizard what they were.
Steve Doltish of the Bedford KKK branch said, “I don’t even drink chocolate milk because it comes from a biracial cow”.
As the minutes ticked by, one person suggested they use the old method of white sheets vs skins but then someone reminded them that they’d look like sweaty Mexicans and that approach was canned.
Ideas went rapid for a good while with how to address this issue and that’s when someone pointed out that the football is brown colored. You could hear a burnt cross drop to the ground with how quiet everyone got.
“It was like that time someone asked me if I dreamed and I said “Yeah” and they told me that I now have something in common with Martin Luther King, Jr, then they told me that my poop was brown…..that last one rattled my brain for weeks but now this issue of the football being brown colored….how do we solve this issue?” said Devin Dim of the Altoona KKK branch.
At that moment, Andrew Obtuse of the Bedford KKK branch picked up the football and said, “It’s only a football”. That’s when the entire Altoona KKK branch shouted, “Race Traitor!!!!” and charged at the entire Bedford KKK branch.
Fists were flying, bones were breaking and egos were bruised as mother nature started to pour rain atop everyone, causing the ground to get muddy and wet. As the fight continued in the pouring rain, every member of the KKK branches were covered in mud. That’s when one of the Bedford KKK members noticed they all looked black. The fight immediately stopped and tears of sadness overcame everyone.
“I could never have fathomed in a million years that blackness was under our feet this whole time, how could Jesus do this to us”, cried Tobey Rash of the Altoona KKK branch.
That’s when Andrew Obtuse realized that Jesus was a Jew and that explained everything. Both sides cried out in pain and felt foolish for not seeing what’s been in front of them this whole time.
Minutes later, both KKK branches went home but not in their cars because the tires were black and not in their shoes because the soles were black but on their feet.
One can only hope that they’d be lost to time on that journey back because that’s where their ideals belong.
Kim Davis was sent to jail for 5 days but why she really went there is the real shocker.
Ever since Gay Marriage was passed in August of 2015, Kim Davis has been curious about another nail polished hand brushing against her bearded clam or even having her pastrami flaps licked clean.
“I wondered what all the hub bub was about with same sex relationships, like do I bring the adapter or does she? Or who goes out on a run for batteries when the adapter dies?”, said Kim Davis.
However, as a hardcore Christian, she didn’t want to penetrate through God’s will of what the institution of marriage is supposed to be about but thought that God does forgive and it would be a funny highlight reel moment when she goes to heaven as God and her discuss that random night of promiscuity.
So with that being said, Kim Davis set up a secret account on AshleyMadison.com under the alias “Scissor Sisters Unite”. However, no one replied back to her requests for a one night “Muff Dive” session.
“Then it hit me in the poody tat as I was watching a documentary about prison sex. I thought, that’s the way to go”, said Kim Davis. There was one problem though, Kim Davis didn’t know exactly what crime she would commit in order to go to jail. Lots of ideas entered her head like, “Collecting rain water during a drought”, “Overdue library books”, or “Changing a mannequin’s clothes at a retail store”.
Instead, Kim Davis went with the old classic, “help destroy another person’s life that has no affect on your life or the way you lead it but you feel it does because you get the creeps about the topic that you don’t understand but act as if you do and thus the only option is to rally other Christian supporters with feeble minds to hate another group of individuals based on the simple basis that pee pee’s and wookies should never touch anyone of the same gender”…in other words, stop accepting gay marriage licenses.
This is exactly what Kim Davis did the next day at work until she was thrown in jail for defying a U.S. Federal Court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
“As I was being hauled off to jail, my twatlantic ocean started buzzing with excitement as I got closer to the female ward section”, said Kim Davis.
Immediately as she got there, Kim Davis started sending out vibes that her beef curtains were looking for a pounding. Unfortunately, as the days went by, Kim Davis watched all the women have sex with each other and no one had sex with her.
“I felt depressed as if I was singled out as a close minded Christian”, said Kim Davis. Kim Davis even went as far as to getting completely naked, putting bars of soap up her republic of labia and shooting them out one by one as they skipped across the shower floors. “This did nothing for the ladies and it caused me to have a urinary tract infection”, said Kim Davis.
Only a few days later, she was notified by her legal council that September 9th was going to be her last day in jail. Kim Davis felt deeply saddened because she never got that lesbian experience she was looking for and when she felt like her finger warmer was backed up against a wall of self-defeat, Kim Davis got the biggest surprise ever.
“I was reading the bible when I was shanked repeatedly by a crucifix in the stink rink by another female inmate”, said Kim Davis. It was during this moment that Kim Davis felt a rush of orgasmic waves like no other, even to the point where she queefed. “I thanked the female inmate as the guards threw her to the ground”, said Kim Davis.
Upon having this moment, Kim Davis was ready to leave jail and secure her spot forever in the public eye as a woman whose mind is as bright as a darkened room with neon arrows leading towards a sign saying “Doesn’t Affect Your Life, Just Do Your Job You Twat”. But then she see’s a neon “X” mark flashing over a sign saying “Bigotry This Way”. And unlike Robert Frost, she didn’t choose “The Road Less Traveled”.
In this section, we will teach you how to talk like a rich elitist when eating out at fancy restaurants like “Eat’N Park” or “Denny’s” with your friends.
In fact, they’ll be so impressed with your rich elitist sentences, they’ll think, wow, he talks like an out of touch American.
We won’t go too overboard though, we don’t want to give your friends the impression that you can only exclusively eat at fancy big name restaurants like “Olive Garden”.
So for this lesson, let’s start off with some basic rich elitist sentences and I’ll break them down for you one by one.
Rich Elitist Sentence 1
“Nancy, did you know I’m going to impregnate my gondola tomorrow?”
Translation: “Nancy, did you know I’m going to submerge my boat tomorrow?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 2
I don’t know about you but I’m poised to rip into this delectable repast
Translation: “I don’t know about you but I’m going to rip into this delicious meal”
Rich Elitist Sentence 3
“Fred, did I tell you that my manservant lassoed his yoke in the vim put-put that I keep outside by the lagoon?”
Translation: “Fred, did I tell you that my butler caught his zipper in the steam engine that I keep outside by the pool?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 4
“Fledgling buck, can I get the poltroon lambaste aboriginal American with a dash of alloy on the skirting?”
Translation: “Young boy, can I get the chicken roasted Indian with a dash of soup on the side?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 5
“Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman gesticulated that he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a titmouse startled him and he pricked a digit?”
Translation: “Margaret, did you know our deaf handyman made gestures while he was busy cleaning a ramrod, ballcock and nipple when a bird startled him and he pricked his finger?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 6
“Andrew got scared by a croaker frisking across my navel”
Translation: “Andrew got scared by a frog leaping across my navel”
Rich Elitist Sentence 7
“A peacock dribbled pungent onto my udder”
Translation: “A peacock spit acid onto my nipple”
Rich Elitist Sentence 8
“Did you fathom that windjammer paraded his pussy in a nursery down on main street?
Translation: “Did you know that a sailor showed his cat in a garden down on main street?”
Rich Elitist Sentence 9
“I construe that a mouthpiece furnished a serpent by a hatchback with a note that construed, “My impecunious stool pigeon bugbear your bowels”
Translation: “I read that a lawyer hung a snake by a car with a note that read, “My poor rat hates your guts”.
Rich Elitist Sentence 10
“That is very humdinger, would you imbibe on my coccyx later tonight?”
Translation: “That is very funny, would you suck on my tailbone later tonight?”
There you have it. Now start memorizing these rich elitist sentences and start impressing your friends to the point that you can easily herd the crowd of true friends who still want to be around you.
This is the same question that Donald Trump’s cleaning maid Eleanor Houschiwtz continually asks herself. Eleanor said that on multiple occasions she has overheard Donald Trump talking to someone in the bathroom. Donald Trump even made aloud comments like “No, I can’t say that”, “What are you doing to my image” and “Frosted Flakes taste grrrrrrrreat” but when Eleanor Houschiwtz entered the bathroom, only Donald Trump was in there.
As she apologized for barging in on him, she turned to close the door and said she heard a snicker but this was no ordinary snicker. Eleanor said it sounded like a snicker only a hairpiece could make. Eleanor quickly turned around and swears she saw Donald Trump’s hair scurry back and forth. Upon hearing her testimony, we decided not to comb over this unique information and get to the roots of the truth.
Our investigation has led us to believe that Donald Trump’s hair is indeed a hairpiece but not just any ordinary hairpiece. This hairpiece came from a mystical voodoo priest in the far outreaches of the Amazon. The voodoo priest got it from a Shaman that passed away. It is believed that this particular hairpiece was cursed centuries ago by a vagrant farmer in northern Europe, and it attaches itself to the scalp forever embedding itself in to the roots of your remaining hair follicles until the day you die.
The hairpiece is known to cause the new owner to say homosexual, sexist, racist, misogynistic and douche bag things. Even creating grand illusions of what they can accomplish or who they think they are. At times, it can even belittle people, demean them, make you like too much money, have a reality show known for a stupid catchphrase or question the birth certificate of a black president. The cursed hairpiece even forces each owner to create a board game that no one will ever play for reasons unknown.
This information is astonishing and completely eye opening but it does answer so many questions as to why one man would act a certain way. Most of us believed that it was in Donald Trump’s human nature to treat people the way that he has but the real truth is that underneath that hairpiece is a sad man crying out who only got himself into this mess because of a receding hairline and a onetime bad decision. I think we’ve all been there but not all of us are in the scrutiny of the public eye.
Just imagine being forced to say and do the things you do by a cursed hairpiece and then go home and watch yourself on TV. It would be heartbreaking and disheartening knowing you have go out and see family, co-workers and friends with what you just said or did.
If there’s one thing we can learn from the misfortunes of Donald Trump is that we should be happy with who we are and to never buy a hairpiece that comes with a warning label.
I'm 29 years old and today I lost a dear friend of mine. We have been friends since I was a kid and it continued into adult hood. My imaginary friend "Marco" died suddenly last night when my wife told me to grow up.
We will be having a closed casket funeral for him later this week at an imaginary location followed by imaginary refreshments at my place.
Also, apparently insurance policies don't cover imaginary friends. I'm in a real jam and would appreciate anything you can give that can actually be held in my hand, go in my wallet, has a president on it and can be used in any store to cover the costs of the funeral.
And if you tell one friend and they give and they tell another friend they also give and so on and so on. I will be able to afford this funeral bill.
Basically, you can write this off on your taxes in the donation part and get what you give back. So really, what's stopping you from giving more?
Once I have enough funds from your kind donations. I will be creating a foundation for people who have lost "Imaginary Friends" in hopes that we can find them or eradicate adulthood.
Once this foundation has been put in place. Each person that gives will be in charge of their own city district where it's their responsibility to recruit more members to donate. I know this sounds like a "Pyramid Scheme" but it's not. In fact, no "Pyramids" are involved whatsoever.
So please, donate now www.imaginaryfriendsforlife.com or call this number 1-800-782-5378.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.