I know what you're thinking.....this is really edgy material (drum snare sound).
Anyways.....Ah, the tooth fairy. I remember her well in my youth. She always left me a note under my pillow beside my tooth saying "to cash these in when dad wins the powerball".
It's hard when you learn the truth about this kind of stuff, you know? It sucks to learn that your parents conspired against you with the tooth fairy.
That's why I never want to lie to my children, so in our household. The tooth fairy is dead.
I will say that the tooth fairy is the most suspicious of the imaginary bunch.
We know Santa goes back to the north pole where he makes elves work 364 days a year......they need to get a union up there. And we're oddly OK with him harboring these mystical brainwashed elves as slaves to make toys for the homosapien.
We also know the Easter Bunny teaches children about Jesus Christ's craving for chocolate eggs....which we all know is the real reason he rose from the dead.
But the tooth fairy, we know nothing beyond her taking our teeth.
What is she doing with our teeth? Making bracelets out of them?......."Here wear this if you support tooth decay".
I just find it strange that there could be some mythical creature out there in a dark cabin surrounded by other people's teeth.....like we never ask what the tooth fairy's doing after she gets the tooth.
For all we know, our teeth could be crushed down to a powder like substance that makes magical carpets fly and now we all support terrorism.
That's right, since Osama Bin Laden has been dead, they've been using magical carpets to fly into buildings but with little success.
It's just annoying now because someone has to sit beside that window with the silver lining cracked glass.
I don't know, I could be wrong about this but I do know that during the middle ages in England, children were instructed to burn their baby teeth so they wouldn't spend eternity looking for them in the afterlife.....oh yes because God can do everything but give you your baby teeth, his only weakness and why do you need baby teeth in heaven when you have adult teeth?
So you can see (sorry blind people), this is why we don't do the tooth fairy in our household, instead we make it more realistic.
You lose a tooth, we congratulate you and then you go back to work. It's akin to the same meaningfulness when your boss does it to you when you turn in those reports.
This way, our child has no expectations but if your family wants to still continue the tradition, you can make it realistic by doing this.
Child loses tooth, imaginary tooth fairy comes and gives the child imaginary money.
Human beings are so afraid of death and on some level were selfish pricks about it. For example, have you ever seen a funeral procession drive by and think....thank god it’s no one I know?
Another way we’re selfish pricks about death is that we like to keep loved ones on life support for weeks. Why? Because they had so much more time.....he’s 96, what great thing could he have missed out on besides 2 girls one cup.
The only people not afraid of death are mass suicide people. They meet their maker in an 8oz glass of kool-aid.
You know, I’ve always wondered what it would take to get a group of people to commit suicide together? Did they get rid of casual Fridays at work or are they just all married men and this was the only way out?
Also, has there ever been a person who has had second thoughts as everyone’s drinking from the cup at the same time? Like the person just tips the cup back to make it appear as if he’s drinking it and everyone around him dies and later he tells the police for why he’s the only survivor, “we agreed to a count system, no one counted down, I said Ezekiel are we counting down and he said yes, they all mentally counted, I don’t do mental count downs, I only do out loud count downs”.
I will say that if you wanna ruin the day for a farmer, a mass load of people dead in his corn fields is one way to do it.
But back to death, another reason people are afraid of death is because they want to accomplish their dreams. Saddam and Bin Laden didn’t get theirs, sometimes you just have to admit defeat.
I've even heard people say stupid reasons for why they don’t want to die over the years like “I better not die before my yoga class, my back really needs it”….trust me, you’re back will feel better than ever once you die.
But death is something we don't like to talk about in society and it was hard for me grasp onto when I was younger.
My first dose of death was when my grandfather passed away and even before he died, I always thought he was dead because he couldn’t hear, couldn’t taste, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t walk and just slept....pretty much text book for the word “Dead”.
When he did die, I was so young, I didn’t understand, you don’t get it when everyone’s telling you a loved one has moved onto a better place and then you see this place. It’s not so great. People can only visit you one at a time, there’s no room for them to move around in and the drapes on the closing wall is horrendous. I remember thinking, grandpa even looked pale, so I rubbed instant tanning lotion on him....he ended up looking like a dead carrot instead.
When you see dead people at funeral’s, their always mildly smiling as if to say “Eh, thing’s could be better”. Smiling let’s you know everything’s alright, if that’s the case, then give me a jackolantern smile when I die....it’ll probably freak everyone out but at least you’ll know I’m alright.
Hell, why should we stop at humans, let’s get road kill while we’re at it, "look dad a chipmunk", "oh, he’s alright, look, he’s smiling".
The funny thing is that African tribes don’t put a smile on their dead, they just lay them down on a pile of sticks and burn it. Now that’s more eco friendly, burn the dead and you save forest land, then you don’t have to waste a wooden box that could have been used for the next Stephen King novel.
Besides the actual circumstance of death, the only other creepy factor is the funeral parlor, man are they just creepy. Actually, someone once told me that funeral parlor’s would be less creepy if dead people weren’t there.....yeah, it’d be called a house.
And what’s with funeral music. Funeral music is the worst kind of music ever. If someone didn't know what funeral music was, just tell them to take all the heartaches and lowest points of their life and smash them down into an MP3....you have funeral music.
They do say that music can affect your mood so it’d be weird if someone had funeral music on their IPod while driving.....this is a nice song and now I’ve suddenly have the urge to wonder how much carbon monoxide my car puts out…oh look, a garage.
I think it’d be even weirder if someone used funeral music as a pump up for working out....."what you listening to?"....."that new rap artist “flippyflopz”, you?"....."stevens and sons mortuary".
I’d really lose it if a funeral song became a hot 100 hit…I know you’re dying for it, here’s stevens and sons mortuary hit “Identify me, embalm me, see you in heaven”, with special vocals from god.
I do wish there was some sort of smell that would let you know whether or not a loved one went to heaven or hell...."(sniff) you smell that"..."yeah, grandpa smells crispy, we know where he went".
Honestly, we already pre-concieve everyones going to hell by lowering their body into the ground or else we’d shoot their lifeless corpse into space to be with the heavens.
Of course, this is all if you believe unless you’re an.....”atheist"...."Ughh, just put a twig over my dead body and a flower will grow”....cheer up, my god, I swear they started the emo movement.....stop being depressed, take your Zoloft and pray to your plants.....if you’re so sure there’s nothing beyond this realm, then live our your life....."what’s wrong?"....."I’m atheist"...."so you have proof god doesn’t exist?"...."no.....it’s just a hunch".
Regardless, whether you believe or not, I hope I accomplish great things before I die. I don’t want my life story to read, "he worked at adult world for 11 years....he was the best battery to accessory salesman".
The point of all this is......don't take drugs while sleep deprived and watch a documentary about the death, dying and the after life.
Some people out there think being in a gang is a tough macho thing and there's no other option to live your life.....you couldn't be more wrong (Where's Waldo Quote).
Instead of causing real violence and hatred and forever perpetuating this nonsense, pick up a modern role-playing game and start turf wars on there.
It's safer and you don't have to go to jail and sit beside a guy named "bubba" who eyes you up each time you drop your pants to make a rocky mountain mud slide.
Don't think there's a common denominator between role-playing and real life gangs?
To prove you wrong, let me break some stuff down for you.
Did you know there are a lot of similarities between Bloods & Crips and World of Warcraft?
Crips colors are blue, Bloods are red
In World of Warcraft….Alliance is blue, Hordes are red.
In World of Warcraft, the Alliance and Horde are killing each other to be the king of online role-playing.
Crips & Bloods are killing each other to see whose king of a block.
Crips & Bloods are always claiming their from the CPT.
World of Warcraft players are always claiming their from an ISP.
In World of Warcraft, don’t get caught in the wrong territory or else there’s consequences to pay.
In Bloods & Crips, don’t get caught in the wrong territory or else....do I even need to finish that sentence?
World of Warcraft has dealers that can get you what you want.
Bloods & Crips also have dealers that can get you what you want, the only difference here is, there's no "X" button to hit to make a purchase.
In World of Warcraft, people will talk about your epic exploits around campfire tales and will fear you.
In Bloods & Crips, people will talk about you chopping a body up and will not want to go near you.
The creation of Bloods & Crips was partly due to the killings of MLK and Malcom X by the hands of white people.
World of Warcraft is created by.....mostly white people.
In the end, gangs are nothing more than realistic role playing games.
So if you wanna be a gangster, pick up "Grand Theft Auto" and trash talk an 8 year old boy who knows how to run a gang more effectively than you do.
In December of 2013, an Oklahoma man named Brad Davis killed his step dad using the age old classic.....an atomic wedgie.
I'll pause to let that sink in.....atomic wedgie.
The one thing I wanna know is, what brand of underwear was the guy using because I rip mine all the time. Even doing simple things like bending over or putting them on. I've even caught myself saying this statement out loud as I've ripped them, "two legs don't go in on one side, come on, you idiot".
Brad Davis did indeed kill a man by using the most well known killing stealth mode one could ever use and that's an atomic wedgie.
Brad Davis killed his step dad because his step dad called his mother some mean names like "her real name", "you sure are amazing" & "thanks for dinner".
Brad Davis (step son) was 33 years old, which begs the question, was this pre-meditated?
I can see hitting the step dad with a baseball bat or another object near by but the atomic wedgie? That guy knew what he was grabbing for.
The step dad probably did this to his step son and embarrassed him when he was young, all while, the step son waited for the right time to get revenge and tarnish the legacy of his step dad.
Think about it, even if his step dad was the guy that cured cancer, after dying from an atomic wedgie, he will now only be known as the guy that died from an atomic wedgie......that's a full proof way to taint a mans legacy.
Some of you may be wondering how did the step son do this with a sober human being? The step dad was so inebriated that he didn't see it coming until he could smell his underwear suffocating his mouth and shit was the last thing he saw.
This story does have a moral lesson.
Parents, at a certain age, you just need to kick your children out of the house or else this could happen to you.
Someday I'm going to realistically have a gazillion dollars with the allowance money my wife gives me as her personal slave and here are the simple things I'd like to do with that money that only a person with a gazillion dollars could do.
1. Buy a gym and get a membership there
2. Purchase a bag of sour patch kids
3. Go for a hike in my suburban backyard
4. Train domesticated dogs
5. Get a job
6. Listen to the birds during a rain storm
7. Feel the breeze of a hot summer day while under water
8. Pretend to care about others
9. Quilt a blanket and try to return the finished product to a random retail outlet
10. Get a clown as a personal bodyguard because you will either be afraid or highly entertained, either way, it saves me time to get away from you
11. Rob my own house and file an insurance claim to get newer updated stuff
12. Buy a planet and send sea monkeys there to cultivate the land
13. Start a forest fire in the desert
14. Buy a horse track and use it to race midgets on top of jockeys
15. Plant a crab apple tree and wait for those delicious apples to blossom
As I take a further look at this list. I guess most of these I can do now with the $5,000 I have in savings like number #1, #10, #12 & #14.
Oh well, it's like they always say, "Money buys happiness".
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.