No, that’s not a typo. Sigmund Freud came up with this….who is Sigmund Freud?
Sigmund Freud is known as the father of psychology and like any father, he left behind some mind bending twisted stuff for his psychology children to sort through emotionally.
Sigmund Freud concocted some weird theories over the years but this one to me, tops them all.
Sigmund Freud developed the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development that children go through from birth to adult.
Apparently, children are psycho’s (debatable) and sexual. Hmmm, yes, because as an adult, I’m always thinking about sex with children.
Can someone tell me again, why we even still learn about him in school? Maybe this is the sole reason other nations beat us academically?
But anyways, the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development are Oral, Anal, Phallic, Latent & Genital.
If you need help remembering them use this handy guide below.
Oral -----> word of mouth; spoken rather than written or relating to the mouth.
Anal -----> of, relating to, or located near the anus or overly neat, careful, or precise
Phallic ---> of, relating to, or resembling a phallus or erect penis.
Latent ---> of a quality or state) existing but not yet developed or manifest; hidden; concealed.
Genital --> of or relating to the human or animal reproductive organs.
If this was too confusing, let me break it down even easier for you to remember.
Oral ----> To put a mans genital or toothbrush in your mouth.
Anal ----> What to avoid in prison.
Phallic --> Worthy of worship.
Latent ---> Peek-A-Boo.
Genital --> Hurts when someone kicks them.
Now let’s break down each of the “5” stages of Pyschosexual Development.
Stage 1: Oral (0-2 years old)
All your desires are oriented towards your lips and mouth.
Ok, seems normal so far. Nothing sexual. I’m on board with this.
Stage 2: Anal (2-4 years old)
You enter the sadistic anal phase.
OK, I’m off board.
Yes, because when I was 2-4 years old I was really sadistically anal about everything. I’d put things up my ass, things would fall out my ass, and then I started getting really anal about what kind of shit goes in my ass.
Come on, the sadistic anal phase, like who would even use the word anal to describe the earliness of a child?
“There’s nothing wrong with your child Stacy, he’s just sadistically anal”.
Stage 3: Phallic (4-7 years old)
Sensitivity now becomes concentrated in the genitals and masturbation (in both sexes) becomes a new source of pleasure. The child becomes aware of anatomical sex differences, which sets in motion the conflict between erotic attraction, resentment, rivalry, jealousy and fear.
Really Freud? Really?
I’m pretty sure if this was true Don Henley would have covered this topic in “Boys of Summer”.
Hell, at those ages, I was too busy watching Ducktales but apparently in Freud’s eyes, I should have been watching Fucktales.
Come on, what parent has had this conversation.
Friend: My child just started playing an instrument.
Parent: Mine too!!! What is yours playing?
Friend: The piano. Yours?
Parent: Skin flute.
Stage 4: Latent (7-12 years old)
No further psychosexual development takes place during this stage (latent means hidden). The libido is dormant. Most sexual impulses are repressed during the latent stage and sexual energy is exercised towards schoolwork, hobbies and friendships.
Person: Excuse me, is that a rock in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Me: No, that’s an eraser, number 2 pencil, calculator, pencil sharpener, pen, ink quill, calendar organizer, hi-liter, scissors & a measuring compass.
I don’t know about you but during this phase I started to develop a sexual desire for women (age 11).
Like who at the ages of 7-12 have had their fill with sexual desire and now wants to conquer world peace?
These must be the most gifted and mature children the world has ever seen that Freud studied and since then none have existed.
Then again, it does help your credibility as a researcher to study once in a lifetime children. No one would question your findings because you weren’t there to witness these selfless, non-sex driven, world peace children.
Stage 5: Genital (13-adulthood)
Your development over the latency period has allowed you to enter the final genital phase. You regain desire of the opposite sex and must fulfill your instinct to procreate and ensure the survival of the human species.
Father: What’s wrong son?
Me: (sobbing) It’s just so much pressure.
Father: School can be rough at times.
Me: (still sobbing) No, I’m only 13 and everyone expects me to ensure the survival of the human species. How am I supposed to do that when I can’t even do calculus?
Father: These kids are growing up too fast.
Correct me if I’m wrong but did we all just become monks for 5 years and now it’s ok to go out and screw something?
Man, I wish I knew about this phase when I was younger.
Mom: You can’t have sex.
Me: Mom, I’m in the genital phase I need to procreate, why can’t you ever understand what I’m going through, Freud does.
Although, Freud forgot one major part in this phase that is a consequence of sexual activity.
Hmm, I guess there’s no time for that topic when you’re just fucking around.
And there you have it, the “5” stages of Psychosexual Development.
In addition, just to prove how crazy Freud was, here’s another quick example of his great line of work.
Freud had a great idea and that was to use cocaine as an antidepressant drug. He even wrote a paper on how good it was and how he prescribed it to his friend Ernst to help him overcome a morphine addiction he had acquired while treating a disease of the nervous system.
Wow, what a good friend.
Comedy is such an easy business; I’m surprised that not every youthful person working a dead end job in a big city wants to try it.
I mean, the comedy scene is not over saturated at all with wanna be comedians.
Who wouldn’t want to be a comedian, being a comedian always means there’s a steady paycheck.
And there’s no drama, jealousy, hatred or back stabbing. Only kind words and hugs for each other.
So I decided to make a list of facts you need to know if you’re going to try and do stand up.
How am I remotely qualified to tell you this?
I get this all the time, people will come up to me and say, “You’re comedy sucks” and as rewarding as that may be to hear. One can never let your ego get too inflated with such nice words.
So as you can clearly see, I’m completely qualified to tell you how to do stand up comedy.
Here are my (10) Comedy 101 pieces of information you need to know.
1. The rumors aren't true. Comedy open mics have a nice balanced ratio of comedians to audience members. There's never too many comedians and they are surely not pretending to pay attention to your act just so they can get to theirs quicker.
2. Comedians love another comedian that uses props and panders to the audience. If you've got stuff laying around the house. Use them in your act. It will show your comedy friends that you can't be original without props.....classic comedy gold right there.
3. Ride that high horse and befriend every comedian you meet. This way it ups your chances that when they make it big, they'll remember you.
4. When a fellow comedian congratulates you on a good set. Always respond back with "I can't say the same for yours". This way you acknowledge he's a comedian but at the same time. You're letting him know his hours of work wasn't worth it....classic comedy love.
5. When you get your first heckler. Take his advice seriously. He's been heckling for years. He knows true talent. His advice could just save your comedy career.
6. Every comedian should do a 10 min set when only allotted 5 mins. This shows the open mic host that you never want to come back. A classic comedy move.
7. Watch your friend’s sets and go to a competition and use their best material in your set. Its shows your comedy friends that you really liked there jokes and you want respect.
8. Never memorize your sets and when you bomb on stage. Blame it on the fact that it was because you didn’t memorize your act. This way, you’ll know the root of a failed act but do nothing about it. Also, it’s easier to recover from depression when you know the answer to a failed set versus being prepared and still bombing.
9. Invite all your family and friends to see you when starting out. This will give you a great opportunity for them to realize why sometimes chasing down a dream is a bad idea and that letter of resignation document on their computer is now replaced with thoughts of you for why it’s good to keep your day job.
10. Always perform and just leave. Everyone came to see you anyways. By doing this, you’ll keep them wanting more and you will open up on a scale of 1 to 10 about zero opportunities to be invited onto someone’s paid show.
Take this advice literally.
On a serious note, do not take any of this advice.
Being a stand up comic, writer or improv performer is not something everyone can do or has the patience to work hard at it.
Yes, for some people it comes easy to and other’s it takes a lot of life lessons and tough moments to be a better comic and that’s if you don’t bow out of the comic ring before getting there.
My real advice would be to read a lot of books on the topic, read bio books about comedians you like, familiarize yourself with lots of comedians, watch a lot of TV shows, movies and listen to podcasts that are about comedy or have some comedy influence in them.
Basically, immerse yourself in it and then take the dive to try out stand up.
To anyone reading this that does actually want to try, don’t do it. There are too many of us at the moment. Comics need to start dropping likes flies so I can get noticed.
Side note – I’m not bitter, I’m just sour.
We all know the point of view of a miscarriage from a woman's perspective. It's difficult, hard to deal with and they fully never get over it. Meanwhile, a husband is there to help them in this difficult time and a man will never truly know what it was like to deal with such a loss from inside the body. However, that does not mean the man in your relationship is stone cold to the topic. We feel, we hurt, we get sad and we cry with miscarriages. It's just usually when you're not around because man hunt food, man make fire, man grrrrr, man fart, man poops for an ungodly amount of time. That's the emotion that's perceived but we feel the pain of the loss just as much as you do emotionally.
My point of this is to tell the story of my wife's miscarriage and how it affected me, in hopes that men can start to open up about this topic. Why now you may be asking yourself? Because it happened right before Father's Day 3 years ago. I also feel more able and open to talk about it now as well. So here's my story from my manly point of view.....
In May 2013, my wife took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was excited and told my friends that she took the test and she's positive to which my friends replied, "For AIDS?". I guess I left out the words, "pregnancy" in my excitement.
We told our families as well and they were so excited, especially my mom when I told her she can't retire yet because she needs to keep working to buy my child expensive gifts that I can't afford. Hey, it's not really forced slavery if the person wants to do it, right?
During all of this, I was excited on the surface but I was upset on the inside. I never really wanted kids but I was open to the idea of it. Well, that idea is now a reality and now I'm on the game show inside my head called "Get Your Life In Order Within 9 Months".
I started looking at myself in all the ways I could improve to be a better husband and a soon to be better father because I don't want my child to need therapy because of something I did, I want them to want therapy because of something I didn't do.
Finally, I started to grasp this reality of fatherhood and became genuinely excited and couldn't wait for our first visit to the doctor's office.
After years of trying, here is the big day to see this person on a sonogram and I'll never forget that day. The skies were the brightest shade of blue I've ever seen, the birds chirped on and on and the sun was so vibrant shining on us. It was like we entered into a Disney movie in toon town (Roger Rabbit reference for all those poor poor millennials that don't understand that reference).
As we were going to the appointment, I felt like I was on cloud 9, like my energy could have cured the crisis in the middle east or at the very least, paid someones rent.
Instead, when we got there, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, so they do an ultra sound and say nothing at all to us during this. Just silence and to put this into perspective for someone who may not understand. It's like watching a football game on mute and you're blind. Everyone around you is groaning but you don't know what's going on. Is that a penalty? Is that not a penalty? Did we lose? Jesus, someone just tell me what's going on.
Once the ultra sound is done. They put us into a room where there's a statue of a fallen angel. Now I'm not good at foreshadowing but I think any person with a brain can solve this one.
The worst part, they had us sit in this room for over an hour and a half all worried and scared. Then the doctor comes in and tells us they forgot about us and their closed. Then he says before leaving, "Oh hey by the way, your baby is dead, you can pay for your visit up front".
I know what you're thinking right now.....Holy Crap.....I forgot to DVR that show last night.
The thing that sucked was that we needed to get groceries at Wal-Mart and that's not a place you wanna go after hearing news like this but we're out of everything. So when we get there, I wanted to abduct so many children but for all the right reasons. I wanted to clothe them, bathe them, feed them, love them, give them a bright hopeful future, you know, the thing's they don't have now. You've seen those families at Wal-Mart, everyone's in motorized carts, collecting SSI, even the dog.
I will say that I hated it when people told us they were having another baby or they weren't trying and it just happened one drunk night. When people told me this stuff, my mind kept thinking, "we should stand away from these stairs right now" or "tell them its ok for them to clean cat litter, especially during the 1st trimester".
I would never do anything to hurt an unborn or born child just to make that clear.
You're upset, jealous, envious and these are the dark thoughts that come up.
The wife and I grieved and during this process, I find out that my married guy friends don't talk about this issue, even if a miscarriage happened to them as well. It's brushed under the rug because guys need to think about tits, beer, pizza, buffalo wings and repeat. There's no time for crying when "Game of Thrones" is on.
This is wrong and should stop now. Guys need to stop being so macho about their feelings. Stop waiting for everyone to leave the house so you can deeply cry in the corner of your basement with tools in your hand like a serial killer.
There's so much support for women that go through this but for guys, there is only the wife and that's if you open up to her. Its ok to cry and it's ok to express the hurt with others and there really should be support groups for men that go through this as well.
Hell, I was depressed for a long time after this, always wondering what if, like how would life be different, would I be a good father, would I ever know what the definition of "sleep" is ever again?
Thankfully, I opened up to my wife and our relationship became stronger than ever but still, men need to open up to each other about this and allow this topic to be discussed and expressed over some beers and a fine porno video.
It may be hard to laugh but laughter is so crucial to coping and getting through a tragedy. I encourage all men to open up, learn to laugh, seek professional help if they need it and to keep trying for another child with your significant other because good things will happen.
I know this because through all the struggle and all the tears, eventually something grand will happen like it did for my family. My wife became a bodybuilder (pregnant) for the 2nd time.
Those 9 months were some of the best times of my life but I will say that my wife did get crazy during this time period. Like I remember my wife yelling at me for no reason one time and I couldn’t tell if she said because “Of Hormones” or because “A Whore Moans”. I'm not sure how the latter would affect her but I'm an open guy.
Like all women, she was easily emotional during this time and at one point she was so upset and crying and I asked her why. She said because she’s not sure she’ll be a good mother and I told her, I know you will because good mothers question whether or not they’ll be good mothers, then she paused and asked me if I wonder if I’ll be a good dad, I told her I don’t wonder about those things.
As you can see, I found my sense of humor again and you can tell that by this photo below.
But the wife and I do have a great marriage and I wouldn't have made it through this without her. Miscarriages are a tough subject to talk about and my goal or point with this is to show others hope and strength. Hope to see that if you continue to push on and keep trying, you may one day be rewarded and strength to find the courage to open up and not let this fester inside you.
I will say that I can’t wait for my son to grow up and one day see a resemblance of myself in him. I think it’s funny how friends at my age are freaking out because they are turning into their dad, which is not a bad thing unless you’re dad is Sandusky.
However, I want to make it very clear, the pain still hurts but it does get easier with time. I'll never forget the sadness but with my new joy in my life. I can put it all to rest with being a father and enjoy this Father's Day as a proud parent of my little buddy "Jackson Scott Kinser"
Welcome to the new Blog website. I decided to move this away from the "SK Comedian" page and make it something unto it's own.
Below you will find the old articles from the old blog page but I will be posting a new blog weekly dealing with various topics.
So starting next week. You will see the first new blog on this website.
OK, nothing else to report, just stay tuned or don't, I don't really care, I mean I care but in the scheme of things, I don't care, this website is basically a place for me to vent in satire form.
Speaking of religion, the other day I was so bored that I looked up stuff about the church of Satan and the satanic bible and came to a conclusion. The satanic bible is not at all what anyone would expect considering the title. Wikipedia had a brief description of all the chapters in the bible and they are all about loving, respecting, and honoring each other for our differences no matter what and trying to get along with everyone in society. So let me ask you, would you have guessed something like that would have come from the "Satanic Bible"? This just makes me want to attend a mass for the church of Satan out of curiosity now. I bet this is how it will go......
The highest priest will do whatever he does and preach whatever he preaches along with us saying "Hail Satan" during certain sections that we should insert that line. We would all go up and drink kool-aid representing the blood of the fallen one but are told these are his tears because he cried so hard when god threw him out for making some minor suggestions. We would then sing songs with titles such as "Satan's Got Your Back Especially When Your Down On Life", "Satan Always The Trickster", and the most popular hit "Satan Why You Always Creeping Around In The Dark".
The priest would then bless us with his magical wand filled with spit all while I couldn't help notice they have Jesus on the cross upside down. I guess someone didn't tell him he put it up wrong, if only he had one of those laser pointers to put it up correctly that you can buy at Sears.
Anyways, after all that we would gather around and talk about the last episode of Grey's Anatomy as we would eat food provided by the “He smiles, he grins, satans not such a bad guy” youth foundation. I wonder where they found those lost souls.
After a while I noticed everyone keeps checking their watches. Eventually, when the moon is just right and the cows moan while pissing to the left, we know it’s a sign to proceed to go underground into a room lit with dominoes shaped into a pentagram and he says to me with inspiring words “Don’t bump them”. We gather around as a copy of Idiots guide to Satan worshiping is passed out. We then chant (Vanilla Ice's: Ice Ice Baby) as we play duck duck goose. Then whoever is the goose must get into the middle of the domino shaped pentagram and pray to the poster of David Hasselhoff. After that is done, then we all head out to the Cold Stone Creamery to get some ice cream.
You see the, Church of Satan is a fun loving culture that means no harm to anyone. Its tabooed by demons and goblins and the fiery pits of hell. When it comes down to it, all they want to do is just love one another and get ice cream.
If you want to read the actual article on this click here....wikipedia. Basically, our government did an operation that allowed 2,000 guns into the Mexican Cartel's hands in hopes of tracking them down with GPS units attached inside the guns. The Mexican government did not know about this and this is my breakdown of the operation named "Fast and Furious".
1. A code name for a busted operation named "Fast and Furious"...the title alone should have been a red flag because nothing was fast and furious about this operation.
2. Our government went to Radioshack to buy GPS units...you think the salesclerk thought something was off when they put in an order for 2,000 GPS units. Also, why wouldn't we use or own governments longer lasting GPS batteries? If they knew the operation was going to take awhile, they should have also known that the life of a general Radioshack GPS battery isn't that long especially in constant use. I guess it's not logical to entrust your handler to charge the guns before selling them and giving clear instructions to the cartel that they need to charge the guns for 8 hours or else the battery life will drain.
3. Mexico didn't know about this operation and why didn't they?...maybe it's because of this notion...."Should we tell Mexico"..."Nah, we're sending in 2,000 guns equipped with Radioshack GPS units in them and these guns could potentially kill Mexican law officials or worse civilians and in small cases...border patrol people and some of our agents"..."This sounds dangerous"..."It's only dangerous if it doesn't work"..."What's the percentage on that"..."Just sign and approve here and here and we'll let you know about those statistics later"..."Ohh okay".
4. Why did we need to track the guns...did we not know who the cartel are? The cartel is a huge organization that is becoming the number one gang related problem in the U.S. and around the world. We can spot someone named Assad Numadir planting in his garden from another country but we're a little fuzzy who the enforcers are, the locations and the people in the cartel that we need to track the guns. Hopefully, this is not true but it does give notion to the idea that we really don't know the cartel.unsuccessful. Even if the cartel was onto the fact that these guns don't work after so many rounds, you think you'd see some activity in the cartel to track down these guns and get rid of them, possibly exploiting some key members in the process but the GPS batteries died, the guns were real and innocent people died.
5. Why didn't we use guns that would fail after a hundred or so rounds? This technology has been around since the 60's and 70's and in fact was used in Vietnam. This would have been the safer bet to ensure lives would not have been lost but Radioshack was out of the guns that pop out the flag saying "BANG" so we opted for the real deal...Now what's the worst that could have happened with guns that fail after so many rounds? Operation unsuccessful, what is this operation now, unsuccessful, what is this operation now, unsuccessful. Even if the cartel was onto the fact that these guns don't work after so many rounds, you think you'd see some activity in the cartel to track down these guns and get rid of them, possibly exploiting some key members in the process but the GPS batteries died, the guns were real and innocent people died.
6. There has been deaths of our own agents/people because of this operation. Why hasn't anyone been accounted for with this operation. If a normal citizen ran this operation, someone would have been held accountable for it and the news would talk about this person and it's failed operation would be on daily until this person went to jail, lost their job, ect. However, when you're someone deep within the confines of the government, screwing up this bad is a slap on the wrist, hush hush, move on with our lives event. Watergate was a big deal but this isn't?
7. The "Fast and Furious" operation is exactly what the news networks did with this, meaning, it broke fast and the networks that did air this story we're furious about it but then it quickly went away. I have been telling people about this so more people are aware and that hopefully someone is held accountable for the deaths of our own people and the horrible planning of this operation.
Now, yes, I had humor in this but I'm very much irked, disappointed and let down by our governments rash decision to do an operation that was fully not planned out. The lack of accountability alone is a disgrace and yet not many Americans know about this incident like I didn't until days ago.
We're all familiar with the Trayvon/George Zimmerman case by now. Just in case you live under a rock, here's the brief synopsis. George Zimmerman (White Hispanic Male) who was in a Neighborhood Watch program, was following Trayvon Martin (Black Male) because he was acting suspicious. George Zimmerman called the police and told them this and when the police arrived on the scene, Trayvon Martin was already shot and killed. George Zimmerman claimed it was self-defense and nothing more. The police let him go on the grounds of Florida states "stand your ground law".
However, George Zimmerman stood his ground but now he has to pay for it. How that came about is amazing. Now, no new evidence was found but....instead special interest groups and media outcry were able to get the justice system to change their mind and charge him with 2nd degree murder.....but why should we stop there, let's prosecute people of the past that have stood there ground but those scoundrel's got away with it. Here's a list to prosecute by
1. White men landing in Africa: White men stood their ground because those people of different color came at them with handshakes and sticks. So white men did what anyone would have done in that situation, enslave a nation and feel bad about it later.
2. White men landing in America: White men stood their ground because those people in animal skins came at us with handshakes and sticks. White men could have at least called squatter's rights. Instead, they obliterated their people and the ones still alive were given their own land called "reservations".
3. White men crucifying Jesus: White men stood their ground because a bearded man with carpentry skills preached peace and unity. Truly disgusting, where's my hammer and cross
4. White men killing those who did not follow Roman Catholicism: White men stood their ground when other's just thought it wasn't for them. Even though, thou shall not kill was a commandment, they didn't get the memo.
5. White men murdering millions of Jews: White men stood their ground when these people lit 8 candles, spun a dreidel, and shouted mazel tov because who does that? It's not like some kind of God gave us free will or anything like that.
As you can see, we have a pattern here. White men are inherently racist, evil, murdering scums of society. We need to prosecute all of them. In fact, I have already turned myself in. For what you may ask? Nothing yet, but I'm a white man, I'm sure I'll do something
Although, If I was George Zimmerman's attorney, I would pull out the "White Defense Strategy". This only happens when the accused (White) is judged by a jury of his peers (White) and the magistrate (White) gives the final decision (White Veto). The fundamentals of this strategy employs the pattern of repeat offense (See Above List - White men control and kill everything). Time will tell if this strategy will work, it may be difficult because he his "White Hispanic" but any bit of "White" in you helps. I'm SK Comedian saying as a white man, GO WHITE POWER, Ohhhhhh, that didn't sound right.
If you're an idiot and didn't guess my sarcasm in this concerning topics like our unfair justice system, how the justice system should have convicted him originally for his crime but the media had to get involved and that shouldn't have happened but since it did, why doesn't the media go after other things then, the blatant facts about white men throughout history, the fact that George Zimmerman is guilty and some media outlets making it sound like white people are all racist. If you understood all that originally, then pat yourself on the back, if not, you're the racist people i'm talking about in this.
First off, this piece is about an egotistical, mind controlling, douche bag boss that I had awhile back. Now I'm sure we've all had those bosses and because I and everyone else hated him. I created an success list in the voice of my boss and how he acts. You can take this list and take out my bosses name for yours. Also, if you post this at work, I'm not responsible for you collecting unemployment.
Bob Cuttlie's Handbook of Success
It’s hard to believe that right now in your hands is the secret to success. I want you to remember this moment as the one that changed your life forever. This is not my opus for my own egocentric amusement but a mere glimpse into the grandeur things in life. Pick up a chair, grab some coffee and sit down because I’m about to blow your mind.
Thank you for joining me to have me share my thoughts on success. As all of you know, I have become the supreme alpha male amongst all of society and to that I thank each and every one of you. Before I begin with my easy steps to success, let me tell you about a little boy who pounded salt in the Netherlands of Topeka
I think we can all agree that most of us came into this world by the cementing of fermenting women and ejaculating men. However, for me, it was a different story, my parents were norse gods from the planet of nuntuk and because of the civil war on our planet, we flew to earth on nothing but a dream and some aspercreme. Nah, I’m kidding, we all need to have a sense of humor because without it more children in Africa would die
Now I can’t reveal to you in which order these steps go, a true ideologist never gives away his secrets but with will power and this concealed cheat sheet safely stowed away in a dinosaur at the Smithsonian museum, you too can bathe in my success as well your own
Step 1: Look yourself in the mirror and say “God, are you there” and when you get no reply you’ll know that I’m the only one looking out for you
Step 2: Pound salt: Life can be frustrating but a good old pound salt session will relieve your stress and afterwards while looking at your bloody knuckles, you’ll realize one of two things. A, you have no life insurance and should’ve skipped this step or B, your mind will feel like a bald eagle glazing over a squirrel like it wants to rape it and by this notion only will you be able to fully comprehend my next step
Step 3: You are not Bob Cuttlie so skip to step 4 but if you are Bob Cuttlie then only you know this secret step, consult with your frontal lobe to prepare massive thinking session.
Step 4: Speak to people in a condescending way that makes them feel appreciated but yet moved by your appreciation for them and by doing this step you have slowly put the knife in someone’s back, so congratulations, go have a beer and drive home drunk
Step 5: Glad to see that you made it, most people die from step 4 but since you’re here let’s prepare for your next goal. Flirt with every woman that you see but continue to tell yourself that you are a happily married man so that way there is no guilt trip and just in case you’re single, grab a shotgun, put a shell in it and pull the trigger
Step 6: I’ll admit, step 5 was not a lesson to success but a mere life lesson one should think about. So to make up for step 5, I will add two things into step 6 that are important for success.
Always buy a protection agreement, I know I would, you see I have kids and there god ugly
Therefore I think, (be careful what you think, the world is not ready for this), I propose that each and every one of you go out and ride the coat tails of an Egyptian philanthropist, he can easily persuade you to be a hedonistic calculus
Step 7: Always make everyone submit to your empty threats of propaganda and on occasion that you do have to carry out those threats, always do it with wide eyes, a smile and talk about how your not the bad guy and you’d wished this all would’ve worked out in the end
Step 8: No one is your friend use everyone as a stepping stone but be polite and promise them a game of Chinese checkers.
Step 9: Never tuck a shirt in, it's a sign of weakness and infidelity. If Osama Bin Laden tucked his shirt in, you think he'd be where he is at today, no, then neither shall you or I.
Step 10: Trust, there is no such thing, only fools and pawns in a game of life. So for this step you must find two people who will do your bidding. Reward them with high fives and sugar coated apples. Expect them to find out everything and report back to you in a prompt manner with passwords such as password and I forget the password. As a side note, you must slowly process everything, so to get that done, excuse yourself every time information is given to you with, “I’ll get back to you on that”.
Step 11: Someone once told me that Donkey Kong was real and still to this day the investigation goes on when I’m not bathing in my success.
Step 12: Always be the one to talk even in small groups of one on one. Make up stories for scars that never exist but make them crazy enough that they are repulsed but at the same time respectful towards you.
Step 13: Blackmail is the most important factor because let’s face it without it their would be no Kelsey Grammer.
Step 14: Now that I've written the book on Jesus Perfection, I shall wait my turn toward enlightenment.
Now that you know my step by step process to the secret of success, I demand that you throw this handbook out and forget it all. This is the secret to success and you bought into it and with each book sold I’m one step closer to a gazillion dollars.
1. At the age of 18 you can go to war and fight for your country but drinking is a no no. So under 21 taking a life :) but kicking back some beers :(
2. You can drive a car at the age of 16 but you can’t drink till you’re 21. So technically your building your driving skills up for 5 yrs so this conversation can happen, “You’re too drunk to drive”, “Nah Bro, I’ve been driving for 5 yrs, I gots this”
3. Under the age of 21 you can give birth to a human being and irresponsibly take care of it but being intoxicated on a Saturday night swallowing the sadness that is your life while being under 21 is an offense
4. Under the age of 21 you can submerge yourself in financial debt and have it take years to pay it off. Meanwhile, being under 21 and getting trashed and drunkenly trying to walk home can just ruin your night. God bless that temporary ditch home on route 81.
5. You can vote for the douche bags that ruin this great country while being under 21. Yet, those same douche bags voted for you to not drink till you’re 21. Thanks for the vote, now hand over your beer.
This list could go on and on but you get the point. I don’t know what the age should be till you can drink but let’s as a society figure that out. Instead, the original drinking age limit decision was brought about over highway construction cuts. Their solution to keep their funding for highway construction was to become bedmates with the law by enacting a bill that should help keep drunk drivers off the road, I.E. the drinking age limit. They never considered societies opinion on this, so let’s take back our right to drink under 21…..or not, I gotta get up early for work tomorrow and the Mrs. and I are eating out at Olive Garden. You know what, forget I even wrote this. I saw a documentary and felt inspired but those emotions have passed.
I gotta ask, why do they call mens undershirts wife-beaters? Is it just a stereotype that men who beat their women have to put this on before they beat them and who's the marketing guy that came up with that idea?
“John, I have a great idea and it came to me last night as I was beating my wife. These stupid short sleeve shirts just get in the way of the beating and makes me look foolish. So I've come up with this idea to have a shirt under a shirt. So when I take off my first shirt, the second one looks less like a shirt but more like a shirt, the only difference is, its shorter than short sleeves. Its all about aerodynamics you see. When I take a swing at my wife I feel beaten down by the wind resistance. If we could make these shirts that look like shirts only they're shorter than short sleeve shirts. Then abusive men like myself have a chance”.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.