Vatican – Pope Francis has received word today that Jesus is set to come back to earth but not by a shinning bright light coming out of the open sky. Instead, he will be floating down to earth on a cloud of kittens. Apparently, this is due to the fact that no one will listen or care about you unless you have a kitten in your hand.
“I’m the son of God, you’d think that’d be enough for my children but no….they just want to see cute little kittens….those kittens didn’t sacrifice their life for your forgiveness…I did but you do have free will, so whatever” quoted Pope Francis of his conversation with Jesus.
If this is indeed true, then Jesus will finally break his Guinness World Record streak of “Procrastination” for when someone say’s their coming back.
“If Jesus is really coming back, then the last supper wasn’t the last supper, it was just that one awkward Thanksgiving” said one person in the street.
Atheists are still holding their doubt but a recent poll shows that most of them will convert if confronted by Jesus. “I have a hunch that none of this is real and it’s backed up by no scientific proof and is based merely on faith, just like religion” said Brendan Myers a proud atheist working at the lumber mill.
Even Satanist worshippers have chimed in on social media with their reactions.
“Wal-Mart will remain open and in fact are having “2nd Coming” discounted sales from now until Jesus’ arrival”, said Carl Douglas McMillon (Wal-Mart CEO).
In related news, a study conducted by Harvard shows that most of society has not read the Bible but Cliff Notes sales for the Bible have increased dramatically. If you’re one of many who have not read the Bible, get your Cliff Notes Bible copy today.
Iowa – Congress, NASA, NATO and other high ranking individuals around the world got together yesterday and have deemed that the moon is offensive. Demolition of the moon is scheduled to happen sometime this summer. This comes from a response from sensitive college students with ongoing acme issues that have been called “Crater Face”. They felt that if the moon would go away, no one would be able to use the craters of the moon to describe their embarrassing acme issues.
Many have questioned as to why the biggest leaders of the world would agree to the demolition of the moon.
“We were just trying to save face” said one Attorney General.
“Listen, these kids today go through so much stuff like failed selfies to constantly being bombarded by cute kitten videos to having people just give them what they want all the time….they just need a safe space because words can hurt. God forbid they ever read a dictionary, they would just crumble if they knew what kinds of words were in there” said Vladimir Puttin.
However, the people that will be most affected by the demolition of the moon are werewolves.
“If you take away the moon, you take away my identity, I thought political correctness was against taking away others identities through harm to others?” said Don Lyken (assumed werewolf).
In response to this, one of the sensitive college students made a comment.
“What? Theirs werewolves?” said Lauren Colley (super sensitive student).
No more will werewolves be able to transform from human to wolf nor will they be able to howl at the moon. Instead, they will stay in human form and pretend to howl out at moon pictures online like a rabid dog of their former selves.
The only other dire consequences from demolishing the moon is that the churning of the oceans and circulation of nutrients ceases, water based life struggle to survive and millions of species go extinct. Earth will change rotation and wobble causing our seasons to go into turmoil and the earth will now swing around the sun in a wild, unstable and fluctuating orbit.
“But at least everyone will be safer now” said Jake McCuthery (extremely sensitive student).
Please share this story with any of your sensitive politically correct friends or family.
Caught Serial Killer Donates Wardrobe To Salvation Army, Has A Gut Feeling He Won’t Be Needing Them Anymore
Wisconsin – Jonathan Barlow is a convicted serial killer in the state of Wisconsin from the small town of Aurora. He murdered several men and women over a span of 2 weeks but he will be most remembered for his kind gesture. After receiving a life sentence, Jonathan Barlow contacted his lawyer and told him to donate all of his clothes to the Salvation Army because he had a hunch he’ll never need them again.
“If he didn’t murder lots of people, he seemed like a stand up guy” said Eric Moore (Jonathan Barlow’s attorney).
Several days passed and his lawyer arranged for a few volunteers to go into Jonathan Barlow’s house to retrieve his wardrobe and take it to the Salvation Army as his client requested. However, upon entering Jonathan Barlow’s home, they were not greeted with a dirty house full of blood smears, day old pancakes or satanic imagery.
“It was really quaint, in fact, one could call this home if it weren’t for it belonging to a serial killer” said Mark Ravage (volunteer).
As they searched the house, the volunteers stumbled into the living room where they found Jonathan Barlow’s DVD collection awe-inspiring.
“He was a great collector of some classic movies, I could see us kicking back a cold one and enjoying some of these…..but unfortunately, he was also a collector of human bodies, so that will never happen” said Stacy Collinger (volunteer).
As the volunteers ventured further into Jonathan Barlow’s house, they came across an Atari 2600.
“It’s like we were separated at birth, I have so much in common with this guy….well, besides the killing part” said Drew Darby (volunteer).
Eventually, the volunteers made their way into the bedroom and that’s when one of the volunteers saw the most horrific thing imaginable.
“Who would let a 1959 Cherry Sunburst Gibson Les Paul rot away inside a bedroom closet?....you just don’t do that…today, I lost all respect for Jonathan Barlow” said Ron Akers (volunteer).
Neighbors of Jonathan Barlow were shocked to find out he was a serial killer as well, simply because he was so nice and willing to help out his fellow neighbors at any time.
“He helped my husband build a patio deck but when the project was finished, my husband went missing. Poor Jonathan, he tried so hard to help me find him but the search continues,” said Brittany Newers (neighbor).
“I remember I wanted to install a new washer but Jonathan explained to me why it wouldn’t fit, it was like he knew the layout of my house but this is also the day my wife went missing,” said Tim Chippers (neighbor).
It would seem that Jonathan Barlow was in fact loved by so many and one could question as to why a normal man would commit such a heinous crime. Regardless, take this story as a warning, you truly never know someone until you’re gagged and tied up in their basement.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.