St. Louis – The Bennington family recently went big game hunting in Africa because hunting deer with ticks was no longer safe said Dan Bennington (father). When they arrived in Africa, they immediately were bored.
“When we landed, our chauffeur took us to the private hunting ground where we saw countless wild animals….it was completely boring” said Steven Bennington (son).
The Bennington family then went into their private rooms which were decorated with artifacts of the tribes around them and with an obscure amount of animal heads mounted on the walls but they were still completely bored.
“Do they even have wi-fi or satellite TV?” said Kim Bennington (mother).
It took only a half hour later when the camp ground leader took the family out big game hunting. The Bennington family had such high hopes but were less than amused by the animal tracker taking them to kill a lion.
“First off, the animal tracker guy didn’t even speak English and secondly, who wants to kill a lion? Talk about boring, I could have just watched a YouTube video.” said Dan Bennington.
"I thought we were going to hunt a Leprechaun or a Megalodon" said Kim Bennington.
The Bennington family didn’t have to wait for long though, a lion emerged from the grass field and they were instructed to go after it. Steven Bennington quickly shot it and then proceeded to get out of the safety vehicle.
“I was bored and I had like a genius idea and that was to prop up against this dead lion like a bean bag and just play some games on my IPad….maybe even get a nice tan” said Steven Bennington.
“I couldn’t believe it, our son shouldn’t just be going to a trade school, he should reach even higher with brilliant ideas like this. Who would have known lions are best utilized as comfy make shift bean bags” said Kim Bennington.
“Our son saved the whole entire trip from boredom by doing this, god could you have imagined just how boring this trip could have been without that brilliant idea” said Dan Bennington.
The animal tracker repeatedly told them to get back into the safety vehicle but the Bennington family refused as day turned into night. Fearing his own safety, the animal tracker returned back to his camp lodge.
The next morning the entire Bennington family was found to be murdered by a pack of hyenas. The good news is, the private hunting ground gained complimentary IPads for the next family that is bored. The bad news is, this story was put together by all the social media posts from the Bennington family. Further proving, modern societies addiction to social media and electronic devices are killing our culture. For instance, this is Steven Bennington's last social media post before his death.
“Yo this Hyena is eating me alive, taking forever, soooooo bored #YOLO” - Steven Bennington.
Michigan – Jonathan Kling lost his gift receipt for his khaki pants he got from his in-laws on Christmas night. Jonathan Kling did not like the khaki pants and wanted them returned. Jonathan Kling said he looked very hard one time with an eye glance in the gift box they came in and gave up.
It wasn’t until Jonathan Kling reluctantly wore the khaki pants at the urging of his wife that he found the gift receipt in the pocket. Feeling elated, he promptly ripped them off but then noticed the gift receipt was dated “2” years ago and these khaki pants were re-gifted by his in-laws.
Philadelphia, PA – Phillip Deckland (17) has transformed his body from overweight teenager into a Hollywood beach body by using the new dieting fad called “Crushing Puss”. This new fad is mostly for teenagers that see attractive women but because of their oversize weight, the attractive women don’t see them. This causes them to discover that it’s because of the athletic men in the school that are taking away all the attractive women with their circular pocket patch rumbles on their stomach and their almost mentally challenged demeanor masked by an athletic performance so no one will know attitude.
Upon realizing this, Phillip Deckland dropped from 325 pounds to 185 pounds, honor student to academically impaired and began using “No one understands me because I have a perfect body and a tiny mind full of riddles” mystique about himself that high school girls find attractive and to a lesser extent, some adult women.
Since then, his family has seen a decline in his participation with their family movie nights. Grace Deckland (mother) sat down with her son to discuss if it’s something they did wrong but her son (Phillip) told her that he’s just too busy anymore crushing pussy.
“I thought my son was out for all hours of the night killing cats and I raised a murderer but only to find out that “Crushing Pussy” means to have sex a lot” – said Grace Deckland.
Bob Deckland (father) is not concerned and is in fact jealous.
“I crushed one puss and I married it, I thought that was how it worked with your sister” – said Bob Deckland.
If you liked this article, we would like to encourage you to read the sequel to this called “College, none of this shit matters”.
Author - Scott Kelley
Need to laugh at life's audacities? You've come to the right place here at "The Town Crier". No topic is safe and everything will be mocked.